I Dont Want This Life

[Coconut Head]

Hi everyone

 

This Friday will be four weeks since my husband was killed. We were together for 18 years. I feel like I am in a dream and that I am going to wake up and he will be laying next to me. We had an argument. He wanted to drive. I said no because he had been drinking. He refused to get back in the car, said he was done, and started walking down the highway. I decided to give him time to cool off and drove to the next exit, made a U-turn and by the time I came back to where he got out, two vehicles had hit him killing him instantly. I feel so guilty. He would have never left me on the side of the road even if I said I wasn't getting in the car. He would have driven behind me till I wised up and got back in the car. The guilt is eating me alive and all I can see is his face as the cars hit him and him being thrown into the concrete barrier.

 

Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. In the meantime, they are all moving on with their lives and although I know they are sad over his loss, it feels like he is just forgotten. Like "oh well, he is gone..lets go grab dinner at this new restaurant".

 

I am disabled in a wheelchair and so I depended on him for just about everything. I never realized how much he actually did for me till I realized I hadn't had a shower in four days and I had no one to help me get one. I am now having to move into an apartment for disabled people and have to give up my animals like I haven't had enough trauma- lets make her give away her children. I miss everything about him and our life together. We were perfect. The fight we had that night was the first one in ten years. And I know if he hadn't been killed, we would have made up. We always did. I dont know how to do this life. This life is hard. This life is too much change. I just want our old life back.

 

 

 

[Jess]

Big hugs to you, CH. I am so sorry you had to look for us, but so glad you found us. I am sorry he had this accident. Please try your best to believe it was an accident, not something you set in motion. No one intended for it to happen. It was just a build up of circumstances with a horrific outcome I wish I had the power to undo for you. There are a lot of scary changes ahead for you and I know you don't want them but I do want to assure you that you can absolutely do this and we will be right here for you along the way as a safe place to vent or just have someone hear how much this just plain sucks and hurts. There are so many parts of your story that made my heart hurt, so I know the pain you are enduring is so deep. I am thinking of you and rooting for you.

[SemperFidelis]

I am sorry for your loss and the traumatic nature of it as well. I'm also very sorry about the loss of your critters too ::-( as an animal lover myself. Is there any way for you to get them to a home where you can still have contact with them?

 

I can say that my LH got out of the car several times when he was angry and drunk. I did the same thing as you, drove up a ways and turned around to come back and see if he was agreeable to get in the vehicle again.  Same decision different result. So no, it's not your fault. If you had slowly trailed along side him the same drivers could have hit you AND him at the same time....or rather hitting you, causing you to then hit him.

 

 

 

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hello CH.

I am soo sorry that you had to join our community, but I know that you will find much support here. I know I have. I am a year and 1 day out from the worst day of my life. Like for you it was a nightmare I still cant make much sense of. One min he was here and the next gone. I relive that night over and over. Like you I feel that I am responsible for his end. I was the only one with him that night. He took something. I knew something was not right, but I did nothing until it was too late. By the time I called the ambulance it was too late, he was gone. I must be the dumbest person in the world. I still cant talk about it. And it all feels like a plot from a really bad movie, surely things like this don't happen in real life. I am sharing this with you because I understand what its like to blame yourself for the death of your person. In truth I have found that most in this community blames themselves to one extent or another. Even people who's partners died from unpreventable illness. Its part of this grief experience. What I have come to see in this last year is that we are not meant to know the future. We act the best we can in the moment. Our choices, even the wrong ones, come from a place of love. Things could have gone either way, we just got the worst case scenario. You love your person and would never wish him harm and that is what matters. I am still dealing with my guilt and I probably will for the rest of my life, but its easier now. At a year and one day its easier. Pls be gentle with yourself. Grief is hard enough without the extra complications. Sending you hugs.

[jlhallgamer]

I am so sorry for your lose. I'm still new to this myself, however I have noticed that keeping your faith as much as you can helps a lot. Faith that you will be ok. Faith in whatever you believe in (religion, people, your love). It isn't easy. Most of my days I seem to lose that faith, but I try to keep my chin up. I hope that you will be able to do the same as time goes on. I wish the best for you.

[TornApart]

Coconut Head (there must be a story to that name), your story is heart-breaking. To go through that, to have seen it, and now being torn from your pets and having to rely on new people to help care for you... it is a rough road you are traveling. Please do come to this forum whenever you need to, and share waht you are going through. There are a lot of wise heads here that have coped with so many traumas and changes after the loss of their loved one. I know you can't believe it now, but just take one breath at a time and you will find all those moments that you survive build up underneath you so that you eventually get your head above the metaphorical water.

((CH))

[Julester3]

Oh my goodness, your situation is traumatizing - the circumstances are hard and I am sorry you have to lose your pets. My pets have really helped me. They are my quiet companions who give me comfort when I don't want the kids to see me crumble. But I am sorry that you are going to have moments of what if's haunting you but you need to remind yourself you couldn't really control the situation. A drunk person can not be reasoned with and does not have the ability to comprehend reason. Hugs and strength in the days to come.

[Coconut Head]

Thanks for the helpful responses everyone. As you are all aware of, this is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I have been reading the posts on here since the day after it happened and I do feel like you understand my pain. Glad there is a place like this to share.

 

And the story behind Coconut Head: We were on our honeymoon in Mexico and my hubby bought me a purse made out of a coconut. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen, and on every anniversary I would get a coconut...a cup, a figurine, whatever he could find. I cherish every single one of them. He called me his coconut head from day 2 of our marriage!

[mbanyard]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I quarrelled with my husband the day that he passed  suddenly as well, so I can understand the guilt that you are feeling. The psychologist I'm working with pointed something out to me this week, which might be of use to you at this terrible time:

 

" Your husband loved you 365 days of the year for the years that you were together. One quarrel, though poorly timed, does not undo all the love that you shared, nor does it make you responsible for what happened to him"

 

In your case, please remember that the fault lies with those who were driving those vehicles, and not with you because you put distance between you and he due to a fight.

 

Everybody in this forum totally understands the horrible reality that is losing your spouse.  Hang in there!

 

MB