Dating 101

[trying2breathe]

I was widowed over 3 years ago, and haven't made the effort yet to start dating.  But I feel like maybe I'm ready to get out there.  I was married for 20 years, haven't been on the dating scene for 25 years. 

 

 

So my question for those of you that have been there and done that - how do you know if somebody is interested?  I ask this because this evening at the gym, a cute guy came over to the mat next to mine, stretched and hung out there doing his thing, we made eye contact but I was so freaked out that I didn't know how to acknowledge him.  We finished up, he stood at the door waiting to leave, I grabbed my keys and dashed.  It truly could be my imagination that this guy had interest in me - however, my question is, for the next time if there is one - how the hell do I do this?? 

 

 

I feel like I would do better if I were planted on Mars and asked to survive.  I truly have no clue on how this works. 

 

 

Any advice? 

 

 

 

 

[Portside]

You could have tried "Hi, how ya' doing?"

 

That seems to get the ball rolling.

 

Good Luck - Mike

[klim]

Trying 2 breathe I totally get you.......especially in that type of situation.

 

I've befriended a couple of divorced ladies and we talk about this but really we mostly laugh at how awkard these types of situations can be.

We've joked about how we should practice the eye contact thing and how long it should last but seriously we just laugh because I don't really think there is a particular way to handle these encounters.  You say hi and have a conversation or you say hi and are totally, as least inwardly, embarrassed because you misinterpreted the situation. We've decided unless you're having a truly bad day and can't take a hit to the ego  the phrase nothing ventured, nothing gained is a good motto.

[Mizpah]

If he's interested, I think you only have to open the door a little, and he'll feel comfortable maybe taking a step, as minor as a smile or a "hi" perhaps.  If he's not interested, that might test/reveal it also. 

[arneal]

Yes, the 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' is so true. But it takes time to deal with the (as one of my dear friends says) junior high nature of the whole experience. Between two marriages and two times being widowed, I too was out of the scene for about 25 years and found it weird to attempt to date. Pop over to the online dating laughs thread and you'll see what some of us have experienced; hopefully, that will help you avoid the sand traps

[trying2breathe]

Thanks for the responses, yes I feel like a middle schooler trying to fit in.   

 

 

Attempting to say hello to an attractive man, with thoughts of anything romantic possibly happening, seems so surreal.    It's like the muscle memory of being married is still there, and attempting the start of another relationship is wrong.  My head knows this isn't true, heart hasn't caught up yet I guess.  I do feel ready to date though - just a really weird phase to be in. 

[arneal]

Don't rush yourself. Heart and head need to be pretty close on this since you might encounter that person who goes gaga over you. Sort of unfair to have that happen and you suddenly realize you aren't as ready as you thought. On the other hand, if there isn't a chasm between heart and head, give it a go ... you might be pleasantly surprised

[Guest nonesuch]

I live in a city so small it shouldn't even be called a city.  What the heck, people come here anyway.  I listen closely, and sometimes ask, "Have you lived here long?" or "How did you happen to come to live here?"

 

I live in Maine, so sometimes it's really obvious when he or she has moved here from somewhere else.

 

Once, a woman said, "I came here for my sister's wedding, fell in love with the best man, went back to Texas and packed my bags and moved to Maine." Once someone said, "This was where I was sent to live in a sober house after rehab."  I don't remember off the top of my head, any responses from men.  Maybe all the men I dated had a broad, nasal-but-not-Boston-nasal timber to their voices.

 

At any rate, this sort of question isn't sexist, doesn't assume anything, and allows someone to tell you as much as he or she wants. He or she can say, "I don't live here, I'm just visiting."  I guess you can assume you've been shut down at that point, but you haven't expressed any romantic interest, so you've saved face. 

 

The other day I was fueling up my car.  At the same time, a motorcyclist pulled up to do the same.  It was a gorgeous day.  I said, "I envy you.  It seems like a beautiful day to be out." He said, "You're welcome to come along."  But I have someone, and I was on my way to work, so I said, "Oh, I have to work."

 

You can practice by talking to strangers.  I ask strangers if I can pat their dogs. I compliment women if they have cute dresses on.  I ask strangers if they're lost. (They never are. They have maps, and are consulting their phones, but sometimes I can steer them toward lunch, an ice cream cone, or the local CVS.)

[trying2breathe]

I appreciate the responses. 

 

 

What I'm beginning to realize is that I'm afraid of moving forward, of thinking of the possibility of starting a relationship.  I'm not one to shy away from conversation, and consider myself to be fairly good at it.  When it comes to talking to somebody that I'm attracted to that might lead to anything, that's when I get scared and clam up.

 

 

I practiced yesterday at the deli counter - there was an attractive older gentleman, I had no interest in him - and I struck up a conversation.  It was pleasant, we had a nice chat and that was that.  I guess I'll keep practicing this until I don't feel strange about it. 

[arneal]

That sounds like a great plan, trying. Keep roaming around in here, ask questions, and keep talking to folks. You are already ahead of the game if conversation comes easy. I struggled with that and still panic that I'll not have anything meaningful to add when NG and I get together. Sad really since we've been talking regularly since the end of May

 

All the best!