Rayspumpkin Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 There's a song called "How do you get that lonely" by Blaine Larson...youtube it... 511 friends...and nobody knows...no one sees...no one calls...no one texts...and even when they do, you CAN'T tell them...never been more alone...I can stand in a room full of people, and no one knows, no one can see, no one has a clue...but my mind knows, my heart knows, my soul knows, my anxiety screams; but with my carefully choreographed fake smile, well placed words, and nods in the appropriate places, they'll never know, they'll never see; because my anxiety is right, no one can handle it, no one wants to know, no one cares enough to see, to dig, to find out. That inner voice shouts, hide it, don't let them see, they think you're strong, they can't see how weak you really are; it's bubbling over, HIDE, get out, they can't see; they'll call you weak, they'll use it against you, they'll hurt you more...take your pain and run; no one can help you, no one can save you...and it's right; because no one sees, I don't want to reach out, I feel like a burden when I do; and they're living life, while I'm struggling to survive; every day is a battle, against myself, and many lose the war...THIS is how anxiety wins; this is how people lose, because anxiety is a brutal fighter; and it's always right...THAT'S how suicide happens...yet no one knows how someone gets that lonely...and nobody knows...but it's because anxiety is right; no one cares, no one can handle it...hide me...hide your pain...then you find that person that says they can handle it, and they do for a while...then they'll call you a debbie downer, they'll say you're bitter, they'll tear away just enough layers to see your wounds and then they'll leave, saying you're clingy, needy, annoying, weak and it will take months to rebuild...months of daily struggles to fix yourself; just so the next person can tear you down again, and you'll let them; because you're weak! Everything they say has double meanings...your anxiety will explain it later...when you're alone, begging God to make it end...instead anxiety will tell you that you're meaningless, that if you didn't exist nothing would change, and you believe it, because there's no proof otherwise...no one standing with you in your war...it's just you & Satan; toe to toe...and in these moments, no amount of praying helps, no cries are heard, you're in it alone...THIS is how you lose...once you start believing that no one cares for you; and you finally tell someone, and they then tell you they care...your anxiety is right there telling you they're only saying that because you made them feel guilty...where were there when you needed them yesterday? Last week? Last month? You'll never beat me...so if you know someone with anxiety...be there for them...you never know how close they are to losing their battle...and sometimes losing one battle; loses the war. I post it out there...for everyone to see...and still, no one sees...I miss the way he loved me...I miss the way I FELT with him. I miss who I was with him. I miss how strong I was with him...I just miss HIM, and nobody knows... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Hugs.... Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted October 15, 2016 Author Share Posted October 15, 2016 Thank you Maureen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 We know. We are/have been there. We get it and we care. That's why we are here for each other. Hugs to you Rayspumpkin. PS: I too miss it ALL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 You seem like many of us, private and quiet grievers. I don't feel the need to share to anyone because I know they don't understand and they cannot put my shoes on and experience what I have. I don't want to have to try to explain how I feel. I don't wish it on them so I pretty much keep it to myself and only confide in a very small few people and not even all that often. I miss my life desperately. We have been fortunate to have to not make all that many changes but there is such a empty void. My husband was a relatively quiet guy but he had presence. He was a homebody and we are homebodies too and that presence is missing in our home too just as I am sure it is missing in all our homes. Hugs to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Yes, hugs from over here too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest oneoftwo Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 . I miss my life desperately. I think this pretty much sums it up I miss being loved so much, it hurts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I don't want to reach out, I feel like a burden when I do; and they're living life, while I'm struggling to survive; every day is a battle, against myself, and many lose the war...THIS is how anxiety wins...but it's because anxiety is right; no one cares, no one can handle it...hide me...hide your pain...then you find that person that says they can handle it, and they do for a while...then they'll call you a debbie downer, they'll say you're bitter, they'll tear away just enough layers to see your wounds and then they'll leave, saying you're clingy, needy, annoying, weak and it will take months to rebuild... Sending you empathy and support. This quote above resonates. Real friends care, they want us to be okay, and that is also why it is tough for them to hear the truth, which is that we are not (always/often) okay. My own experience suggests that in general people are so overwhelmed, including trying to live a perfect life on Facebook, that they cannot take on another thing, which the struggling become. I know this is sometimes how I have felt these years since I lost my husband, which has made me in some ways a lesser friend. But the extent to which once-close friends have not been there for me/my family is quite staggering. Many people only want to hear the heroic story that we are strong and have overcome adversity, not realizing the heroism that still lies in the day to day struggle. So I let it rip for my social worker, with no regrets, as she is paid to hear the truth, and I cherish the friends who can handle reality. I get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Oh, honey, I understand very well how a person gets that lonely. I've been forcing myself to get out and meet new people. Although most of them know I'm widowed. because I don't hide that information, none of them know how I really feel. I have become quite skilled at hiding my real feelings. I like the new people I've met, but I feel so inauthentic when I am around them. When you have to hide your true feelings and pretend to be someone you truly are not, it leaves you feeling very lonely. Sending you tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 well said ..its all so true " I just miss him " hugs to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
First Widow Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 (((hugs))) I miss who I was with him. I miss how strong I was with him...I just miss HIM, and nobody knows... I could have written this myself. I hope it helped you to post this. I had a similar post as few weekends ago and it was really helpful for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sikeuritgadeun Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 This is my life as well. Thank you for writing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 Thank you! ALL of you!! I so desperately search for someone, ANYONE in my real world to just comprehend what I'm saying.. but they all want to "fix it" they all ask "what can *I* do to make you better?" NOTHING!!! It just makes it so much worse...because I KNOW they care, I KNOW they want to fix it...but damn it all...THEY can't. It just causes me more heartache...and then I finally break down...and come crawling back here...and YOU get it. You know that nothing will "fix" it. YOU know that I just need love...just understanding...so thank you. Thank all of you for always being here when the real world casts me out...I have a twisted view...of I'm doing okay if I don't have to bury myself in the virtual world...like I had to in the beginning...this place is such a blessing and a curse...but I'd never make it without it. I hope that makes sense...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladybug Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Just wanted to say that I truly understand what you are saying and feeling. I miss my sweet husband more than I could ever put into words. Sending you healing thoughts for the day ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Hugs!!! You're words are so true for many of us! Hiding behind the smile, yep...since we don't really want others to see because they just don't "get it". They never will, unless they live, and honestly, we don't wish that on anyone. We all have days where we hide alone in our homes, in our minds, and that sadness overwhelms us. We do it alone, because, nope, no one in our circle of family or friends understands that the grief hits us in those unexpected moments and sometimes we just can't hide the tears...so, we sit alone with those tears all for ourselves. I guess it's easier than putting on a fake smile when we just want to sit and think of everything we miss, everything that should have been...everything that our circles around us doesn't understand. More Hugs, we get it here, we understand, we know how much you miss him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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