New here/You are the only ones that understand

[Mcdc10]

My husband died on September 10th and it has been an emotional roller coaster and a lot of "if onlys" He had Crohn's disease for 23 years and he and I thought it was just another flare up with usual pain, discomfort and vomitting. My husband thought it was gass and I dismissed it as him going through his regular.  I was busy that day preparing for the first day of school.  What we didn't know was his intestines had protruded and he was bleeding internally.  He vomited into a black pail and I missed the signs of blood in the vomit.  I finally told him I'm taking him to the hospital and everything went downhill from there.  He died in front of my while EMS was present.  They were able to bring him back, but he only lasted for 2 days, leaving me and my two children behind.  One 7 and the other 13.  I feel so guilty for not making him go to the hospital sooner.  I feel like a fool. He was so loved.  He had over 800 people at his funeral and he was honored at Yankee stadium.  We were married for 18 years and his birthday was in October.  This is hell on Earth.  My heart is torn to pieces and I feel like this is a dream.  You are the only ones that understand this pain.  I'm glad I have a place to express my feelings. 

[Mrskro]

Mcdc10;

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  The what if's are tough, I'm sorry you have to deal with that too.  Guilt is a unfortunately fairly common and terrible to deal with. 

 

This is definitely a place to express your feelings.  We get it.

 

Hugs

[Catnip]

I'm so sorry. If only, the couldas and shouldas we go through are so painful. Just remember that we did the best we could at the time.

 

My husband died from pulmonary embolisms, blood clots in both lungs. He was first diagnosed with pneumonia and was put on an antibiotic. He got better, returned for his checkup, and was told he still had one "spot" on his lung so he was put on the antibiotic again. Apparently blood clots were mentioned, but my husband said it was not, that another dose of antibiotics would be enough. If only I had insisted he go for further tests, but he was 51 years old and I knew better than to argue with him. A few days later he woke up, couldn't breathe, and  begged for oxygen. I called 911 at 7:40am that Sunday and he died at 10:00 that morning. The diagnosis? Blood clots in both lungs. They did the CAT scan there so my husband knew his diagnosis before he died. Guess he was surprised too. I, too, was in the room while they gave him chest compressions and pronounced him gone. My sons were not in the room then, they were 17, 20 and 22 years old.

 

This was almost 10 years ago. He died on a Sunday, the wake was Wednesday, Thursday was the funeral and Monday was Christmas, 2006. I still have a hard time with Christmas being the birth of Christ not the death of my husband. Somehow, time has softened the pain.

 

How was your husband honored at Yankee Stadium? I am a Yankee fan and I went to 3 games there this past summer. We live in the Albany area, so my brother and I drove to Poughkeepsie and took the Metro Train North right to the Stadium. My brother is the true fan who goes more often than me.

 

Peace to you on your journey ahead.

~Catnip

[Julester3]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you! Those evil "what if's" can eat at you. Don't let them or try not to think on them. It's what gives them power over your conscience. I know I can easily torture myself with "what if's" if I'd let them. What could I have done to make sure my husband didn't have his heart attack? I won't lie - it's very hard to keep them at bay. I think the trick is that you have to make your heart understand and accept that you couldn't control the situation. I'm always having my brain and my heart battle it out. You already had the difficult issue that your husband had flares. I think it'd make it pretty hard to distinguish the level is could be or become. I believe you too did what could have done and now we live with the aftermath as miserable and sucky as it is. I am glad you were able to unload here and I hope it helped.

[SoVerySad]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and your children's father, mcdc10. It is a very painful and miserable experience to go through. I know the "only ifs" can really eat away at you. It is a natural response, I think, to wanting to blame someone for the loss, even if we make that someone ourselves. You know how much you loved your husband, so I feel certain you did your best. It is hard to accept that these things are out of our control. I'm sorry that you've had reason to join us. I hope you will find comfort here among those who understand how hard it is to lose your love far too soon.

 

Hugs to you!!

[Mcdc10]

Thank you everyone for your words. I'm taking it on breath, pray and cry at a time.

[MR]

Mcdc10

Sorry for your loss. I am in similar situation as you. It is going to get tougher before it gets better that's what it seems to me at this point of time.

 

Hugs

MR

[born to run]

omg we do have similar stories... I am so so sorry for your loss.  Too much.

Many hugs to you... xoxo

[Trying]

Mcdc10, I am very sorry for your lossut I am glad you found this group.  My husband also had Crohns (as does my 18 year old son).  We thought DH was having a flare and when I finally took him to the ER he had stage 4 colon cancer, a very aggressive type, and only lasted 4 months.  A few years earlier we thought he was having a flare and his appendix burst before we went to ER.  I can relate to your "if only"s and wondering if things would have been different if we acted sooner.  The reality is that my husband suffered daIly with his Crohns, he never had a day of remission in the almost 30 years he had the disease and he lived and functioned quite well with pain and symptoms that would have a healthy person rushing to the ER.  I believe this is why he didn't react with more alarm when he had symptoms with his appendix and then with cancer.

 

My husband died September 20, 2013 and I remember all too clearly feeling as if my life ended as well.  I still miss him daily and have tough moments from time to time but I have managed to survive and find happiness and purpose again.  Keep posting and reading because we do get it.  There are no short cuts to the grief processs but knowing you are the only one going through it can be a comfort and having a safe place to express things that we feel our family and friends can't handle.

[Mcdc10]

Dear Trying,

 

Tears as I read your post. Wow, that is exactly what I thought was going through my husband's head  and the reason for not going to the hospital sooner. People just didn't get that. They didn't understand how he could take that much pain and not decide to go, however, he was living with Crohn's for 23 years and learned how to mentally block out the pain.  When you live with a person with Crohn's disease you do not react the same way to pain like everyone else. Vomiting on occasion and other discomfort was normal. He never really expressed all his pain to me  during our marriage. Occasionally, he would articulate his discomfort but on that day he chose to ride it out and was going to see the doctor that morning. I know he didn't want to leave us  but I find comfort in knowing that he is no longer in pain.  I worry about my sons because I know they are more at risk for Crohn's disease. I send hugs your way for your loss and I do pray your son's Crohn's will  go in remission.