last, dwindling firsts

[Mizpah]

I'm 5 1/2 years out now, am in a relationship, have a  2 1/2 year old daughter, have moved, have a life that would be unrecognizable to DH.  As this election cycle came to a close (PLEASE no political talk!), I found myself often thinking about how this would be the first president DH didn't live under.  My birthday was the day before the election, and my mom suggested we go to a certain restaurant.  It happened to be one of the only places that I haven't been to since the last time I went with DH (he was lovingly making fun of my (strangely large) earlobes, I remember, and then kissed them - my mom took a photo of us that is one of my favorites because he looks SO HIM in it - know what I mean?  when a photo really captures someone more than others do....).  And I honestly can't think of any other firsts.  Remember back when everything was a first, or when firsts were not infrequent?  And now I really believe I only have these two....  Life changes in an instant, and life changes gradually too, when you aren't noticing it.  And what I feared and dreaded has come true: I remember saying that time was like wind on beach sand, erasing his footprints, all traces of his existence.  He's gone.  And what's perhaps saddest is that I'm not sad anymore.  What happened will never be ok, but I'm ok.  It's bittersweet I suppose.  No big deep thoughts, just thoughts....

[daysofelijah]

My dh absolutely loved politics. He'd watch his news channel for hours upon hours. He'd have loved watching this election season. I know what you mean. It is very sad that he is fading away and everyone is okay. Life has gone on for everyone, and he will be a very little part of any of it but occasional fleeting memories. Very bittersweet.

[twin_mom]

I hear you too. If I sit and think about it, I miss him... But there are days when I don't consciously think about him. Even finally going through the rest of his stuff I'm detached, it's just stuff to decide what to do with- I'm not even angry anymore that he left this storage unit of his days life and the dregs of his previous marriage for me to deal with.

[pigsCANfly]

I had a first the other day. It's been a while, but our son is 12, so they still pop up. But most everything, after six years, is not a first anymore.

 

I hated when everything was a first.

 

 

[ladybug]

After so many years there are no first left.  It is all bittersweet.

[Ursula]

I hear you. It feels like in another life, the life before he died. So distant. I like your sand on the beach analogy. But in my heart, I know, the traces he left are ingrained.

[Forgottenwife]

So eloquent. This post describes my feelings so well. I too thought of my late husband during the election cycle. And I have had the thoughts of no more firsts... my life has truly changed in ways no one could imagine. Had our fates been reversed, and he was left to carry on without me, I wonder what his life would be!

 

Another life, it just is.