That "in between" feeling

[mbanyard]

Hello All,

 

I have jumped the rails and come to your thread area, as I feel like I'm in that "in between" phase of things. I am at 5 months, not as raw as I was, but not yet back together. So....here I am...hello.

 

I have so many things all going on at once that it's hard to keep everything straight in my head and to determine whether I am on the right track, if things are as convoluted as they seem, or if they are normal. Let me share some of them with you and, if you would be so kind, would you please "chime in" so I know I'm not losing it.

 

* I am still finishing the administration of my DH estate, where there have been several serious bumps in the road, which are all stressful and just make me ill to have to deal with;

* My DH won't be interred until the Spring now as I'm in Canada and the monument dealer screwed up BIG TIME so we're 3 months behind - so this means I have an interment hanging over my head and complicating an already complicated going forward;

* I am pursuing a wrongful death investigation, but am in limbo as the coroner has still not released the autopsy;

* I have made so many little changes in our/my home that it makes it easier to be in, but  wonder if I'm doing it all too quickly and if it's wrong to erase his presence here all around me;

* I quit my second job so that I can focus more on my music career and moving it forward and I have the savings to take up to a year to do that, but it makes me feel lazy to have any time at all to myself, as I am used to going 24/7 flat out with 2 jobs plus, plus;

*I have been using the resources of friends of mine, who are hair stylists, make-up artists and nail specialists in order to get back to the roots of what it means to be a girl....hair, make-up, clothing, nails, etc. I haven't done ANY of this in 25 years, except when on stage and it feels weird, and good at the same time;

* I have come to realize that I've had a negative self image for a long, long time. I have started going to the gym and changing my diet, have lost 30 lbs (of the 50 I wanted to lose), and have been told I look "sexy" and "curvy" which is VERY foreign to me, as my DH never told me I looked good...ever (though I know he loved me very much);

* I have started to notice that other men are attractive and to consider the "what if" of the compliments and minor flirting that some are doing with me. (and I feel guilty, but know I don't want to be alone forever either; I have NEVER dated as an adult though,  having met my DH at 17, and that scares the hell out of me);

* I am looking at what I want for the first time in my life and feel selfish for not considering that my moving forward more quickly might be difficult for my in-laws and our mutual friends, though I appear to be being encouraged by these same people to do just that, based on some of their comments.

 

All that to say that I am in a complete whirlwind and am not sure if I should grab onto something to stop the ride and re-assess, or if I should just go with it.

 

I also know my grieving, though the most painful and heart wrenching of my life, was made easier as I have previusly lost both my parents and two siblings, but I fear that my relative ease has made people very angry with me too.

 

So...yeah.....pretty confused at the moment, if I'm honest.

 

Thanks for any guidance you, who are further along, can give.

MB

 

 

[Portside]

 

. . . but I fear that my relative ease has made people very angry with me too.

 

So...yeah.....pretty confused at the moment, if I'm honest.

 

 

From the perspective of almost 10 years out:

 

Don't worry about folks being annoyed with you for 'easier' grieving. Heck, there's folks here that will tell you it will catch up to you. (It may or may not). Everyone's path is their own. Some recover very fast, most in-between, and some never do. That's just the way it is - do your own thing and be happy with it.

 

I like the steps you are taking to find the new you. If some turn out to be no good, simply dump them and try something else. The key thing is that you appear to have a great attitude. And that is the most important trait to possess.

 

Good luck and best wishes - Mike

[sdarrah1130]

I also felt like I grieved "easier" as I was able to move through some of the toughest parts of the process without a tear.  However, I would get and still get HIT unexpectedly with emotion, fear, uncertainty, confusion, guilt, etc... at the weirdest moments.

 

This I all part of the process and everyone is different. 

[mbanyard]

Thank you both. Your words make me feel like I am on the right path. Most appreciated.

 

M

[Julester3]

I see nothing wrong with what you have been doing, honestly. It sounds like you have found things that are helping you personally and you are embracing it. What anyone else thinks doesn't count - what you think does. Hugs!

[Mrskro]

MB;

 

I could have written a lot of your post.

 

I'm in Canada too and the autopsy took over 8 months to get back, they wouldn't even give me a cause of death.  My family doctor requested it as well and couldn't get it.  In Ontario, our coroners are part-time, so he advised me to formally request a copy online.  I got it shortly after I did.

 

I've renovated my entire house!  It started with our room, where he passed away.  For me it was a good change, but only you can decide that for you!

 

I chopped all my hair off and lost quite a bit of weight.  I agree it was weird when people started commenting on it.  It kept running through my head how bad did I look before  . 

 

There is no guide book to grief.  You do you and they can do them! 

[MR]

Hi MB,

I am not 5 months out but 12 weeks and going thru similar things like you. I am also in Toronto.

-- Finishing the transfer of accounts etc which were in my LW name as there was no will which makes it more complicated. She had one business just in here name. I was doing everything but on papers she was the owner.

-- I am planning to pursue medical malpractice case but waiting for Autopsy report which is taking a long time at least according to me.

-- My basement was half done when the incident happened so have started the work back in basement but feel so helpless when it comes to chosing colors etc as it was her passion and interest.

-- Can't sleep for longer than 4-5 hours so full body is in stress so started getting some massage to relax those muscles and started streching too.

-- Lost almost 12Kg and want to lose another 7 Kg.

-- Self confidence is low don't feel like walking head up as feel inferior but getting better on this one.

-- No Family here everyone is like 20 hours flight away with 10 hours time difference.

-- Don't feel like working on my projects as motivation is low.

-- Never dated anyone as mine was arranged marriage and don`t even think I can do justice to anyone else.

 

So in total feel like life is screwed and might not be same as earlier but had to move forward for my kids.

 

Hugs

MR

[mbanyard]

I hate to say "thank you" as it's pretty clear that, on some level, we're all screwed . It does make me feel better to know that what I'm experiencing is also being felt others.

 

I guess we'd better all just hang on for the ride and see what happens.

 

MB