Have some standards

[imissdow]

This is what my sister keeps telling me in relation to dating. For those who have already jumped ahead no, she's not referring to sex. I haven't had that since before my LH died. She's referring to contacting guys, phone calls and texting stuff. I'm not 100% sure what she thinks I do as far as contacting guys. Rarely do I call a guy unless I'm returning a missed call. Or after we have been dating awhile. I will text a guy to start a conversation but only after we have already connected and have texted prior and I make sure I'm not always the one making contact first. I certainly am not paying for dates and suggesting where we go unless I'm asked what I would prefer. I guess from her point of view I'm "chasing" guys. Not sure I get that. I don't think I chased either of the last 2 guys I went out with. The guy prior to that, he was just odd he called and messaged me all the time and we went out regularly sometimes he planned it sometimes I did. He really just wanted a friend to hang out with, once I figured that out I broke it off.

 

My late DH and I were best friends and I only really remember him "asking me out" 2x after that we were pretty much together all the time and I don't remember keeping track of who called who. Maybe it's because I haven't met a guy who has really been right for me.  I have heard people talk about how to keep their relationship fresh to keep "him pursuing" you. I never felt like that was a issue in my relationships. So I'm kind of confused.

Thoughts?

 

[Portside]

It doesn't sound like your sis knows what she is talking about. Or, she's confused as to your dating behavior.

 

Don't worry - it seems to me you are playing the dating game properly for you. Great!

 

Good luck - Mike

[tybec]

Good topic.  I, too, dated no one but LH since teen yrs.  Dating.....what the heck?  I read rules about all this, too.  NG and I are close to 10 months.  At first, he paid for everything.  But he is a single dad with two kids, child support, a home he chose to buy versus an apartment, so his boys have a HOME to come to, etc.  He told me the "man always pays" at first.  But over time, I started offering here and there.  I also read up on dating a single dad with kids.  He has financial constraints, also.  It didn't seem fair to me to have him drop $100 or more for us to go out to eat and anything, really.  I don't like to call or text him first.  I was told NEVER be first, as he needs to do that.  We discussed this, and he told me I could certainly call him when I wanted to talk to him.  He informed me that guideline was not necessarily true anymore. I told him I didn't want to chase him or appear needy, but he told me neither was the case in his understanding of who I am.  :  I think the "pursuing" issue is more that you have to have a life outside of just being with him all the time. He needs to know you are interesting enough to have things you like to do without your whole world focusing on him, which I understand is attractive, and certainly healthy in any relationship.

 

My point, you have to figure out each person you are talking to and what works best for you all. 

 

PS, is your sister dating?  Hard to get advice from coupled people.  My GFs just don't know what to tell me. 

[klim]

yeah I have a friend in a dating situation where she is always sitting back never initiating , working on the theory he needs to pursue her...that it's an inate man thing........

 

my personal opinion....screw that!

 

I'm not going to chase ... but I will initiate contact, I'm going to make suggestions, I'm going to call when I want....and I'm going to  offer to pay my way .....and  if paying my way to begin with is at first rejected I will acquiesce .....but after  maybe 4 dates,i'm picking up the tab!

 

I like being an equal in the relationship game. Maybe that doesn't work for some guys, I don't know but that's who I am.

[momtokam]

my personal opinion....screw that!

 

I'm not going to chase ... but I will initiate contact, I'm going to make suggestions, I'm going to call when I want....and I'm going to  offer to pay my way .....and  if paying my way to begin with is at first rejected I will acquiesce .....but after  maybe 4 dates,i'm picking up the tab!

 

I like being an equal in the relationship game. Maybe that doesn't work for some guys, I don't know but that's who I am.

 

This is me as well.

 

I'm not going to play the games like waiting "X" amount before replying etc etc. Doesn't work for me.

 

However, I also will not chase either. If they don't have an interest to initiate part of the time,  I'm out as well. I like even give and take. Mutual interest and initiative works best for me.

[RobFTC]

Yes, the man should initiate and make his interest clear - and the woman should at least make clear there's interest, and do more of the initiating over time to make her interest clear.  I am seeing more of that good stuff happening right now than usual, which rocks :-)

 

An addition - I hear of some slovenly, lazy guys these days.  A proper date is not "hanging out" and should not leave a bunch of stuff to chance.  When I was young and foolish two whole years ago :-), my last date with a hot prospect went sideways because I hadn't made clear that I had planned to have dinner with my girls before an early evening date, and she was starving.  This week, I got kudos for presenting an invitation with a clear plan in time for my date to juggle her working hours to get to the event on time (after I made clear that I'd be OK with being fashionably late).

 

Take care,

Rob T

[MrsDan]

I don't understand why this is gendered. I think either party should "pursue" if they are interested. One distinction I should make though. Some men seem to avoid pursuing because they seem ambivalent or are waiting to see if something better will come along. But other guys are honestly shy, or because they are gentlemen. My BF initiated contact on OKCupid, but I asked him out first, I kissed him first. I also told him on the first date, you know, you can call me. The previous guy I'd gone out with a few times never ever called, only texted. It made me feel unworthy of his time. My boyfriend called me the day after our first date, and we soon were talking on the phone every night.

 

I learned later that he was being very, very cautious about physical contact. Basically, he was being a gentleman.

 

To Rob's point though, my boyfriend always referred to our getting together as dates, not just hanging out. I think both of us tried to strike a balance between showing interest and not acting over eager. 

 

I see a lot of people saying, the man should as me out, I could never ask him out. I don't get that at all. It doesn't seem generational. I'm forty, but it seems to come from people of different ages. I don't know if it's supposed to be a marker of chivalry. But to me it seems like there is as least some degree of slut shaming. A woman should not be so bold as to be the romantic, and ultimately sexual, aggressor. Please. Any guy who would have a problem with me asking me out is not someone I would have wanted to date.

[RobFTC]

I don't understand why this is gendered.

 

You and me both!  But it's out there.  I have had a couple of women my age state flatly, "I would never ask a man out!".  And sure enough, that reflected their actions - they might mention something going on in the way of a hint, but the words to turn that into plans always had to be mine.  After being married to a proud-to-be-pesky feminist, that was pretty weird.  And like I say, I am not having that problem at the moment.

 

These days, I ask women out at first to stand out from the doofuses (doofusi?).  But I start a meter running, too.  A woman that really won't initiate is not likely to work for me.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[imissdow]

I asked out a guy last year. First guy I had asked out in forever and by far the guy I have most connected with. He however does not want a girlfriend. It's not me , he hadn't dated for years and isn't dating now. I still talk to him regularly. His DD told me earlier this week she wishes I was her stepmom (she's in her 30's)  she also told me her dad cares more for me then anyone else.

I do hint really well.This last guy I had 2 dates with met thru okcupid. Told him I wanted to meet after he suggested connecting on Facebook. He suggested dinner and a day. We figured out a different day, same place. The next week he had some time off I suggested he could take this girl I know out for lunch. After some discussion we picked a time and a place. A phone call and a few texts and a promise of a another phone call that never happened. Haven't heard from him in 4 days don't expect to at this point.

I really have no problem telling a guy that I'm free on Thursday and suggest getting together. If a guy is Intrested he will usally suggest dinner/ lunch /something. 

A couple of years ago I got caught up in a situation with a guy who really wasn't Intrested in me the same way I was. He was happy to do the minimum to string me along. I'm much more careful now.

I have no idea why this is gender related yet I also know the few times I have been more forward then I am have not ended well.

 

[klim]

Ok then the question I have for the guys or really anybody that  has an opinion..Have you ever heard of a guy who when asked out  by a lady was so put off by it , that it didn't work because of that?

[daysofelijah]

I do not initiate. I'm pretty old fashioned that way. Even now after 18 months together he still does probably 80% of the initiating on our conversations, dates, getting together etc. That's the way I prefer it and he has been good with it too. Right from the beginning I've made it pretty clear that I expect him to do the majority of the leading in the relationship.

 

I do however pay equally, in fact I probably pay a little more when we go out. Because of our vastly different financial situations. So I guess I've allowed myself to be a little more progressive that way. But we don't do things that he can't really afford. No expensive dates, concerts, or big trips, and that's fine too, we're both homebodies, so it works. What with 6 kids between us, there's not a lot of opportunities for fancy dates or trips away anyways.

 

I don't think a more equal amount of initiating would show a lack of standards though. Just what different people are comfortable with.

[arneal]

Yeah, it seems that in either direction, if only one person is doing the asking 1) that person seems needy or 2) the person being asked all the time isn't interested but won't say so. That may not be the intent but it can come across that way. On my first date with NG, I was prepared for us to pay our own way actually, but he whipped out his wallet and paid. I piped up and said that I would get the next one (dropped that hint straight off lol), which I did. Now that it's been around six months, we often split the evening -- one pays for dinner, the other for the movie, or if it's just a dinner out, we alternate if we remember. Bottom line, I offer, he offers, we work it out. However, it helps to just stay in, cook, and watch movies too

[serpico]

I don't understand why this is gendered.

 

I'm not sure this can be answered, but it often seems to be the case. I guess for the same reason why the man typically asks the woman to marry him.  Not sure why it is, but it is.

 

Of course, no one has to accept these gender roles, but I don't think denying that they exist (not that I'm saying you're doing that) would be very helpful.

[Portside]

Have you ever heard of a guy who when asked out  by a lady was so put off by it , that it didn't work because of that?

 

I have not. Most guys I know that were approached by a woman were honored by being asked out. Not everyone said "Yes" but still, no one thought less of the woman or were annoyed.

 

Good luck - Mike