Fwb getting confusing

[widowat33]

My dh was the only man I had ever had sex with. Several months ago I joined a dating site thinking I was ready to start dating and possibly move towards a relationship. However, any time a guy seemed interested in meeting or dating I would panic. I did go out with a very nice guy a few times and there was a lot of chemistry, but again I panicked at the thoughts of being in a relationship again. I did realize though that I missed sex, a lot. I always associated sex with love and never thought I would be able to do a fwb situation.i guess I was wrong. Over the course of the last few months I have had three fwbs on and off. They are all long distance so it was kind of easy to keep it at just sex because I didn't see them often.

I will admit I had feelings for one of them, and I know he had feelings as well, but we both knew it wouldn't work out for us to be any more than what we were. So we ended it, still talk, but only as friends.

I spent two days with one, had a great time. Went out for supper, did a little road trip. I think he's developing feelings and has even admitted if we lived closer he would want a relationship with me. He's a nice guy, and a really good person, but I really do just think of him as a friend.

The third guy is where I'm confused. Our situation has always been the more casual one. We rarely talked or texted. It was exactly what a fwb situation is supposed to be, just sex. A few weeks ago he had asked me out for supper, I cancelled last minute to go on a date and he was really cool about it. When the guy I dated briefly didn't work out I texted my fwb and told him it didn't work out. He asked if we could hang out again and I said yes and because I felt bad about cancelling told him I would pay for supper. So we went out and I had so much fun. We have been texting more. He is looking for a relationship, and has said he would date me if we lived closer. Last week I mentioned my oldest wanted a computer for Christmas because his laptop doesn't work anymore. He is into computers and offered to help me find one. I also mentioned that I would be in his city to do some Christmas shopping. He offered to go shopping with me to find a computer. We spent the day together shopping, and went out for supper again. It felt so much like being in a relationship, and it felt natural. He's playful and teases me, he's thoughtful and considerate, and he is so much fun to be around. One thing I really noticed was before we rarely kissed. That day he kissed me a lot, and not just during sex. He also asked at one point if I was afraid of relationships, and by my response which was "um, I don't know" he said yeah you are. I am trying to be guarded about this as I don't want to get hurt.

So the confusing thing for me is he texted me the other day and said the next time we spend time together he doesn't want to have sex. I asked why and he just replied he wanted to see how it would go. I tend to be an over thinker and over analyze everything,lol..but I just can't figure this one out. I like being around him and I'm kind of concerned that I might be falling for him. But honestly the thought of that doesn't panic me like it has in the past with anyone else. Just a side note I have known him over four months so it's not like it's something new. I would love to hang out with him again like we have been, but I'm scared that I'm setting myself up to get hurt. He seems interested in me, compliments me all the time telling me I'm awesome, interesting, etc.. But maybe I'm reading more into it.

Sorry for this post being all over the place,lol..I guess I just needed to tell someone as no one in my life knows about him. What would you do in this situation? Should I stop hanging out with him? Maybe I'm just ready for a relationship and because I'm really comfortable with him it feels right, but maybe he's not the right person? Ugh..the thing I liked most about the whole fwb situation was it wasn't supposed to be confusing just fun..but now it's getting complicated...

[Adley]

Hm. We're all grownups here. I say go for it. Could be setting yourself up, but the thing is, a little heartbreak is nothing compared to what we've already been through. And it could work out well. Try to stick to the no sex thing and see. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Just make sure he really wants to be exclusive with only you before you put your heart out there too far. Good luck!

[MrsDan]

GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!

[Portside]

From my observations, it generally is a recipe for disaster. Some, and I stress some, can pull it off without one of you getting hurt.

 

They are rare.

 

Good luck - Mike

[marian53]

My last FWB was very similar and we ended up together and then married for 33 years. He was my Peter. I echo Mrs. Dan and Adley. And really, we have been throught the worst emotional fuck up ever with the death of our spouses, I feel.

[widowat33]

Thanks everyone.

I do agree that someone usually gets hurt in this situation, but not always. And it is true, after losing my husband nothing could hurt worse. I have been so insistent that I do not want to date, that it's going to be hard to show him that maybe I might want to start seeing him..I don't know..just gonna go with it and see what happens

Thanks everyone, nice to have some feedback

[Mrskro]

IMO, every relationship runs the exact same risk of someone getting hurt.  Whether you are dating and break up, married and divorce or as we all know to well, by passing away.  I don't think a FWB situation is at any greater risk of someone being hurt. 

 

In this case, it sounds to me like the friends part of the FWB is taking root and building, and in my experience friendships have always led to the best relationships for me.  It sounds like you guys are communicating well and I say go for it and see where it leads!

[Mizpah]

It sounds like it's getting confusing because he seems about to trade benefits for a test of whether this is more, and you are getting confused because it seems you may like him back more than you initially did?  I wouldn't stop hanging out with him.  It sounds nice, and healthy.   

[StillWidowed]

Oh boy, widowat33 please be careful.  Unlike some other feelings voiced here or maybe because I'm further out, I don't think losing our spouse is necessarily the worst that's happened to us.  Some days I feel like it is and others I feel like giving your already broken heart to someone and opening yourself up to being vulnerable again and that person not cherishing it or nurturing it and hurting you in the end can be very devastating.  Some here can attest to that.  So I say tread very cautiously.

[arneal]

It sounds like this guy is ready to have more than FWB and despite recognizing that you are still not fully ready for a deeper connection. However, the fact that he wants to get together without sex says to me that he might see you as worth it. How do we know when we're ready for a relationship? We give it a go. Might we get hurt? Yep. Even if we hadn't been widowed, we might get hurt in relationships. That's life. There's also the point that he talks to you about the possibility of a relationship -- why don't you talk to him?

[ladybug]

This is just my opinion.....take from it what is helpful to you and disregard the rest..

 

I think when we get into a FWB situations we end up getting hurt very badly.  As women we usually develop strong feelings for men we have sex with.  It is just how our body, mind and spirit is make.

 

It is not easy to be a widow.

[SemperFidelis]

Yeah, I'd say the fact that he wants time with you without sex is a good indicator..... I'd say go for it, give it a shot.  What you are describing with your interaction with him sounds lovely.  Yes there is risk of being hurt but that is in every relationship.

[widowat33]

Update..never did go out with him again.

Did a lot of self reflecting and realized some things about myself.

I was so afraid of a relationship that I would subconsciously only talk online with guys who I knew would never develop into anything more or anything serious. Guys way too young for me, guys who lived really far away, etc... They weren't a threat. I also really liked all the attention. I was texting/chatting with way too many people. When I was with my dh I didn't need attention from several people, I had his attention, that's all I needed. It feels good to have a lot of guys texting, wanting to meet, and telling you what you want to hear. Really boosted my self esteem, but what's even better is when it's one person doing all that for you, it just took me awhile to realize that.

I started chatting with a guy, who at first seemed too good to be true. Then the red flags came, he didn't want me talking to other guys, or going anywhere because he worried I was meeting other people...and I hadn't even met him yet. He moved way too fast and seemed way too controlling. So I told him I needed time for myself, he made a few rude comments about how I just needed more time to sleep around and that's when I knew he wasn't as nice as I thought he was. I deleted my profile from the online dating site. Then something strange happened,lol, but I'm going to post about it on the relationship thread

[arneal]

Widowed -- I'm off to find your other thread now to read about the strange happening