What to do with family items?

[nerdywidow]

Hello all!  I've never posted here, but I would lurk on the old site and here since DH passed almost 3 years ago.  It's been a godsend.  I am in a bit of a sticky situation at the moment and could use some advice (and a place to vent).

 

I should start by mentioning that my SIL can be a bit of a handful emotionally.  She tends to perceive the tiniest thing as a personal slight, and DH would often lament to me that she has pretty well always been this way.  I am still sorting through a lot of DH's things, downsizing and preparing to move, and have tried to be very mindful and accommodating when going through things that she might want for herself or her 3 children, or if I run across things that may have family significance.

 

Her oldest child requested a science themed 8th birthday party, and she asked if they could use the old microscope of DH's for the party.  It's about 60 years old and was the one thing willed to DH from his grandfather (it was purchased from a friend of his), and I know it meant a lot to DH.  I have a science degree and remember him bringing it over to show off when we first started dating, so it holds meaning for me, too.  I was extremely hesitant to let them use it for a kids' party, since it is not a toy (DH would probably be less than pleased), but decided to take the chance.

 

When SIL's ex came over to pick it up (they are on good terms and I am honestly closer to him than I am to her) he admitted that she had been very "mopey" about the microscope and was wanting to offer a replacement so she could keep it.  He also said that she was complaining about how her mom and I were both hoarding items that belonged to DH (and her late father, for her mom's part). 

 

I was livid.  I try to be conscious of potential family "heirlooms" that I may run across, but I'm putting my foot down on this one.  I think she feels that since we were only married almost 5 years, and we had no children, that the microscope isn't in the family anymore.  I don't think she even remembered it existed before the birthday party came up, and she also refuses to ask for anything directly, so if there is something else I am "hoarding" away from her, I don't know what it is.  Even her current boyfriend has pointed out that she has a bit of a martyr complex.

 

Sorry for the rant, but I'm not quite sure how to handle this.  How have other people dealt with their spouse's family items?  If we had children it wouldn't be an issue, but I really think DH would want me to keep it regardless.

 

Thanks!

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, nerdywidow,

 

My second husband's brother made many assumptions after my husband died, one of which was that he was going to take control of the funeral process and my husband's possessions.  It started with comments about writing the obituary, needing to get on his computer, and going through his will.  I gently but firmly told him that these were my responsibilities as his wife, and that I was the executor of his will and everything was willed to me.

 

Granted, I had been widowed before, I knew what processes needed to happen, and I and I also knew what families could be like.  It is important to remember that SIL did lose her brother, too.  I know clearly that the primary relationship in your husband's life was his marriage, no matter how short it was.  I was with my husband less than 4 of his 57 years, married less than 3 years, but still, I was the most important person to him and I knew him best at that point in his life.  You also knew your husband best.

 

I had a long conversation with my husband's brother about the impact of losing a spouse.  My husband had also been widowed before meeting me, and although his brother had some inkling of the emotional fallout, I knew he could not be expected to fully understand.

 

I told him very early out that I was not prepared to go through his brother's (my!) possessions at that point; however, there would come a time when I would be ready.  I told him he had first dibs on whatever I chose not to keep.  I asked him about specific items, such as the telescope that had belonged to their father.  His brother did tell me about some items, such as old vinyl records.  I told him I did not know how long it would take for me to be ready to let go of anything.  I told him that it was not unusual for widowed people to need to hold onto personal effects for a long time before deciding it was okay to let them go.

 

Perhaps you can talk to SIL's ex and tell him something along these lines.  You are not yet ready to let go of the microscope.  It is surprising how much certain items can hold sentimental value and memories.  Tell him if you get to the point where you are ready to let go of the microscope, you will give it to SIL.  Ask that she not pressure you.  If you want, ask her to make a list of items that she would like when and if you are ready to let go.  Be clear that making the list does not mean you will part with the items; however, she might like some things that you don't hold as dear to you.  Perhaps those items can satisfy her for now and help her realize you value her sentiments as well.

 

2 1/2 years after my husband died, I finally went through most of his possessions.  I did not care to keep the bulk of his belongings; however, I went through every box, culled those items I wanted to keep or I didn't think he would want his brother to have, and I allowed his brother (who lives in Alaska...quite far away) to come and go through everything.  To my surprise, he rented a box truck and hauled off almost everything I left for him to go through.  Why he wanted John's notes from college and other miscellaneous things, I don't know.  But I didn't have to dispose of the contents of a 12 foot box truck packed 4 feet deep.

 

I hope this helps a little.  I don't particularly like John's brother, but I was kind and civil to him for the few days he was here boxing up his brother's possessions.  He wrote me later to tell me how important it had been for him to go through this process.  My husband had lost respect for his brother due to some of his actions such as pursuing a new relationship while still being married and financial irresponsibility; however, his brother considered my husband his best friend.  You don't know the extent to which your SIL is grieving and how she perceived her relationship with her brother.  As hard as it can be, kindness can go a long way.

 

Hugs to you.  I hope you are able to resolve this with your SIL.

 

Maureen 

 

 

[Portside]

. . .  but I'm not quite sure how to handle this.  How have other people dealt with their spouse's family items? 

 

These items have become 'your' things. Distribute, or not, as YOU see fit.

 

I gave some family items back to my SILs/BIL/MIL and kept others for my children. I asked them what they wanted if anything, but still, the decision was mine. Not everyone was 100% thrilled with my choices.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

ps - My advice is a big fat NO to SIL re the microscope as basically, she wanted to steal it. (Possession without permission and/or compensation). You offer her touchiness and prickliness as an item to take into account when dividing up things. You can't see this but I am pointing at my face signaling "This is my don't-give-a-shit-face".

[jeudi]

nerdy,

 

It is a terrible place to be put. I never had anything such as this happen but my late husband was an only child and both of his parents were dead when he died and we had been married for 24 years so that pretty much cleared up any doubts anyone might have had about what was mine. It was ALL MINE.

 

I doubt, had I been in your situation, I would have been so generous as to let 8 year olds play with my husband's cherished microscope and I sure do hope you are getting it back intact and your SIL doesn't continue to be challenging about this. Sounds like your SIL used the science themed party to get the microscope- if she was OK to buy a new one, why not buy one for the party? I'm probably borrowing trouble here.

 

And I don't really like kids all that much...

 

Wheelerswife- you behaved admirably. You are obviously a nicer person than me!

 

Now, having said the above and having admitted to my shortcomings as regards children, I lost a brother in 1965. I was 9 and he was 13. My Mom died in 2012 and when my siblings and I sorted through her things and devised a system to divvy-up her things, number 2 on my list after my Mom's antique blue sandwich glass was a small box of my brother's little childhood trinkets. I was floored that none of my brother's wanted them. A magnet shaped like a horseshoe, a big metal shooter marble, a tiny cap gun that looks like a real gun in miniature and a ring shaped like a saddle (this from a gum ball machine) as well as a tiny model airplane that I always coveted when my brother was alive and he would threaten me with bodily harm if I so much as thought about touching it. Number 3 on my list was the family sterling silver flatware, if this puts things in perspective.

 

I never would have dreamed of asking my Mom for my brother's things when she was alive though.

 

Jeudi

[Wheelerswife]

 

Wheelerswife- you behaved admirably. You are obviously a nicer person than me!

 

 

Oh, but I bitched and moaned and complained to my friends!  I believe I posted on here, too!  I tried not to show my dislike or frustration to him.  I figured it was a few days that I needed to tolerate and I might never need to see him again. 

 

John's brother is a significant anxiety trigger for me and I needed to take medication, use my dog to stay calm and get out of the house for some of the time he was here.  I didn't trust him to keep his nose out of the things that are mine or the things I wanted to keep for myself.  I breathed so much more easily after he pulled the truck away from my house and drive to Texas to dump all of the stuff in his daughter's garage.  He wasn't going to drive it all back to Alaska.

 

It wasn't easy...but I did it.

 

Maureen

[Julester3]

Unless your late spouse left exact, specific instructions on how to divvy up items, it's honestly all yours to decide how to deal with. Your SIL sounds manipulative and a piece of work. If you want the microscope, you have every right to keep it. It doesn't matter how much time transpires, it's all a matter of what you are comfortable with. Hugs!

[nerdywidow]

Thanks for the input everyone!  Sorry I never responded till now.  I decided to go ahead and let them borrow it for the party, and they never even used it.  I took it back shortly after, and have come to find out that she is still mad about it, and I got a long message from her today explaining the emotional significance of the microscope and how she would like to "keep it in her family line."  I feel somewhat guilty, as I am conscious of its history, but she obviously doesn't recognize its significance to me (since she offered to "buy me another one"), and if it's so important, why did she not think of it till 3 years later when her son wanted a science party, and then not even remember to use it once in her possession?

 

Sigh.... As mentioned before, she can be pretty manipulative, and part of me hates to have this drive a wedge between us, but I also don't respond well to manipulation, and it makes me feel even less open to considering a compromise (whether that's right or wrong, I don't know).

 

Sorry, just needed to vent while I cool down before formulating a response to her tomorrow...

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

It's yours. You owe no explanations or need to respond. It probably will go well beyond the microscope. She needs to get over it.

[Julester3]

I totally agree. You don't owe her any explanation.

 

Kill her with kindness, "Thanks for sharing your opinion and story but I am also greatly attached to the microscope so I plan keep it. I know my husband would have preferred that I keep this safe and sound in his memory."

[serpico]

Technically you may not owe an explanation, but if you're going to have a relationship with her going forward you should probably provide one.  Take the high road and be kind but also be firm.  That's really all you can do.

[nerdywidow]

Thanks all.  I think what bugged me the most is the dismissive and insulting way she offered to "buy me another one."  If I just wanted a microscope I would buy one myself, and if it held no value with me I would obviously give it to her no questions asked.  I was as polite as I could be and told her that I recognize it's importance to her, but asked that she please respect its importance to me.  I said that if I was ever ready to part with it, she and the kids would be my first thought, but that I'm not ready to do that yet.  The response I got back was "It's in your possession.  I have no say."  So still not acknowledging my actual ownership or right to it, but hopefully she will stop bugging me about it.  Funny thing is that I was planning to use his old shirts to make a memory quilt for her soon, and now I kind of don't feel like it, and also wonder if she would think I'm trying to slip her a consolation prize.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[twin_mom]

It's not in your possession, it IS your possession. He left it to you, and therefore it is now yours. I keep having to remind myself of this as I continue to go through DH's things (after 4 years)... These things are now mine and I can dispose or keep them as I see for without justification to anyone else (in my case, his adult daughters).

[nerdywidow]

It's not in your possession, it IS your possession.

 

Thanks, I needed to hear that.  It's hard to remember sometimes, particularly when some people feel otherwise.

[beth_krkswidow]

 

 

These items have become 'your' things. Distribute, or not, as YOU see fit.

 

I gave some family items back to my SILs/BIL/MIL and kept others for my children. I asked them what they wanted if anything, but still, the decision was mine. Not everyone was 100% thrilled with my choices.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

ps - My advice is a big fat NO to SIL re the microscope as basically, she wanted to steal it. (Possession without permission and/or compensation). You offer her touchiness and prickliness as an item to take into account when dividing up things. You can't see this but I am pointing at my face signaling "This is my don't-give-a-shit-face".

 

I second what Mike said.  The microscope is YOURS.  I don't care if you were married for a minute.  It's yours. 

 

Oh, and what twin mom said too!  I hadn't even gotten that far! 

[beth_krkswidow]

Thanks for the input everyone!  Sorry I never responded till now.  I decided to go ahead and let them borrow it for the party, and they never even used it.  I took it back shortly after, and have come to find out that she is still mad about it, and I got a long message from her today explaining the emotional significance of the microscope and how she would like to "keep it in her family line."  I feel somewhat guilty, as I am conscious of its history, but she obviously doesn't recognize its significance to me (since she offered to "buy me another one"), and if it's so important, why did she not think of it till 3 years later when her son wanted a science party, and then not even remember to use it once in her possession?

 

Sigh.... As mentioned before, she can be pretty manipulative, and part of me hates to have this drive a wedge between us, but I also don't respond well to manipulation, and it makes me feel even less open to considering a compromise (whether that's right or wrong, I don't know).

 

Sorry, just needed to vent while I cool down before formulating a response to her tomorrow...

 

My response to that is, why don't you tell her you will 'will' it to her children.  I am correct that you said you have no children, right?  So, if her concern REALLY is to keep it in "the family" (implying you are not in the family... ummmmm... hello).  Anyway, if that really is her concern, why don't you will it to her children, then it will remain in "the family".  How can she argue with that?  (but I bet she will).  Of course if you don't want to do that, that, again, is completely up to you.  It is YOURS!

[Guest nonesuch]

My late husband was a hoarder of sorts.  He had lots of stuff, but none of it very valuable. 

 

His brother took away a gun that had been in the family for some time.  Some time later he asked for a table saw that had belonged to their dad.  I have no idea where that is. Late husband may have sold it or traded it for some other tool. 

 

It's been seven years for me.  At first I went through the house thinking this person or that might want pictures, trinkets, etc.  Bottom line though, it all belongs to me.  I finally reasoned that Late Husband did not have the only pictures of Great Aunt Mary or any other relative, so the envelope labeled "to send to Cousin Bonnie" is empty.  There was nothing that would be meaningful to his daughter, either.  There is a vase MIL gave me that her MIL gave her.  I thought about sending it to SIL to give to one of her daughters, but heck, it's mine. I'll make arrangements in my will to return it to their family.

 

If I was to have someone over, like Wheeler's Wife did, everything I wanted to keep for sure would be someplace other than my home.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

Widowing brings out the sometimes worst in people. I've seen people fight over long gone ashes for God's sake. Funny how these people surface after the fact, but could give a shit otherwise.

[nerdywidow]

So Update - I hadn't heard anything more about it after that last text conversation, until out of the blue she texts my MOTHER this morning, claiming that I said DH didn't want anything to do with his family (which I never said and my mom obviously knows I wouldn't say), and going on about everyone keeping items from her and no one caring about her feelings etc...  I had deliberately kept my parents out of this drama because it was none of their business and they already think she's unstable.  I understand she's hurting, but at what point does this cross the line into harassment? 

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

I would confront her directly and say WTF ?

[Julester3]

Talk about a narcissistic, toxic person! She's getting no leverage from directly manipulating you so she's trying to control you from outer sources. My MIL did the same using her nephew, LH's cousin to go after me. As a result, I cut everyone off on FB from her side of the family and de-friended them as a result. She confronted me and I told her I de-activated my account (a white lie to get her off my back). She doesn't know the difference and I honestly told her I don't know what FB looks like since it's "deactivated." As long as your mom knows the truths from the fiction, I'd keep the MIL at arms length, give her boundaries and stick to them. I've been doing this and it's been helpful. My counselor has also encouraged me and assured me that this is reasonable. I needed the affirmation. MIL is an adult, she needs to get through her grief on her own. Your responsibility is to yourself and to take care of you. MIL needs to get over herself.

[marian53]

I was reading through this, thinking jeez, people… When I get a text from my neice by marriage - whom I haven't spoke to in a year "Hey Marian, this is kinda random, but did you end up with a watch that belonged to Velma's father? Aunt Fran was asking about it.

No, I didn't "end up" with it. I inherited it from my dead husband. His Mom, Velma gave it to him when he was 19. I used to wind it and clean it. And ten years later this happens? And uh, Fran you could ask me?