6 months

[Chrispy89]

I'm not one to count down the 'saddiversaries'.. In fact, most have passed without me even realising it was that time of month.. Or if I did realise I would actively have to go back and count how long it had been... However, this past week I have been struggling. Stuggling to breathe, feeling constant pain in my chest, walking around with what seems like the heaviest weight on my shoulders. I looked at the calendar and realised it will be 6 months this week. And it's painful. So painful. It's like my mind is realising all over again he is not coming back. It seems for the past few months I have been doing this, that and the other, with the kind of pretend hope he will come walking back through that door. But he's not. That beautiful, healthy, fit 27 year old man is not coming back. The man who made people laugh every day. The man who went out of his way to help others. The man who was my perfect fit. The man who made me want to better myself, for myself's sake, and who I wanted to make proud. The man who made me laugh, made me frustrated... But very rarely made me cry. Until 6 months ago when he was taken away from me. I miss him. And I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to rebuild. To take the pain. I just want it all to stop, and to stop being so hard and I want to go back.. To when we were both so happy

[Jen]

(((((((HUGS)))))))

 

In 17 days it will be one year for me, and I've been feeling many of the same things you describe. I don't want to do this anymore. I just don't.

[deedee]

Although I am five months behind you, I could have written much of this post myself.  My husband also died in a  workplace accident.  He was fit (best shape of his life), beautiful, and healthy.  And we were happy.  Really happy.  I actually remember saying to someone just a few months ago that I was the happiest I had ever been in my life and our relationship was great.  And he too made me laugh every single day.  Now he's gone and the pain is truly unbearable.  I miss him so much it's physically painful.  I don't know if it is at all helpful to you to know someone else is going through something similar, but it definitely helps me to know I'm not alone, so thank you for your post.

[lcoxwell]

I don't know why some monthly "sadiversaries" are so much harder than others,  but I remember 6 months being particiularly difficult for me, as well.  I also remember reading posts from others, further out than I was at the time, also describing how hard it was to hit 6 months.  It is so unfair that you are having to go through this.  You should have your dear husband with you, and I am sorry he is not here.  As you try to make it through this week, just remember to be extra gentle with yourself.  (((Hugs)))

[amy0520]

I'm 5 months out and have been feeling the same feelings you are. I constantly think about the past and what could have been. It's hard not to. I'm terrified of the future and what is to come. I try not to think of it too much because it is overwhelming. I think we have to try an take this difficult journey day by day. Sometimes we can only take it minute by minute. I am finding that getting towards the six month mark is a struggle. This is totally unfair! It just sucks. I'm glad we have a place to vent. Sending hugs your way!

[conflicted]

I don't know what it was about the 6 month mark that made me go insane.  The first 5 months were hard enough and I did allow myself to grieve fully and naturally, but I had managed to rearrange my entire life, learned to try and be "normal" again, and got myself into a new routine of working long hours and drowning myself in tv as an escape.  However, when 6 months rolled around, I realized that half a year had gone by since I had lost him.  It was exactly as you mentioned - that my mind was re-releasing all that emotion and memories of what happened.  Realization hit - he is never coming back.  I thought, how the hell did I function all these months??  And now I'm ALONE.  The calls/texts slowed down. People stopped checking on me regularly because I seemed to be "ok" since I was functioning well with work, taking care of myself, and holding down my own life and responsibilities.  I tried so hard to be strong in front of everyone (and still do that today).  But at 6 months I realized that I just could not be alone anymore and that I didn't want to feel that intense pain anymore.  I wanted to find some type of happiness so life would not seem so pointless.  Luckily, I found a little comfort and support in an old friend, who occupied my time from there on.  The pain never goes away, but it does help to keep these good memories and to find a hobby, friends or something that can be a good distraction so you are not just left there with own thoughts.  I hope you find some type of comfort and are able to once again enjoy things that you like.  And remember only the good memories.  <Hugs>

[Mizpah]

That beautiful, healthy, fit 27 year old man is not coming back.

 

It's inconceivable, and it is nearly unbearable to be left in a world without him.  I understand this sentiment so well (my happy, healthy, beautiful man was 28).  It's so hard.  Sending hugs and love from 4+ years out. 

[gracelet]

Big hug to you. I call it the calendar of the heart - our subconscious is clocking these significant dates. I too am not one to count the sadniversaries. Jeez, it's fucking hard, isn't it? I want it to go back too. Her to come back. But I've shouted at her enough times since she died that I know it's not gonna happen. We have our new normal now, but I'm bloody glad you guys are all in it with me!