Six months: what the hell is happening?

[Blue green]

Whoa. What?? It's getting worse? I call bullshit!! Someone...please explain.

[Mrs Reader]

Oh I wish I knew. I was very almost happy, and now it is all back and worse. I am seven months out. I am having hard time believing this is true, he is truly not here and will never be. What!?

He died five months after diagnosis from pancreatic cancer (at 49). Maybe it happened so quickly after all that I am only starting to understand it now. Can it be, how slow is my brain, or maybe it is my heart. Or my resistance failing. Dunno.

[Adley]

I'm sorry BlueGreen. There were/are some major low spots for me. But it will not always be as hard.The six month one was worse than the 30 month one, for instance, but they are all very real. Sending hugs

[Trying]

That myth "it will get better every day" sets us up for failure.  Yes it will get easier over time but there will also be times when it hits much, much harder along the way.  In the first year especially there were times when the reality that this was really forever would drop me to my knees.  The daily fight against grief and trying to survive can be exhausting and sometimes I would need to just give into the grief and take a break from being strong and soldiering on.

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now, be gentle with yourself and know that this is all part of the process.

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi Bluegreen,  it sounds like what you are experiencing mirrors my own experience.  I bought into the "myth" as Trying put it (and it is a myth) that if I could just make it to 6 months I would cross over into some sort of magical world where it would suddenly be better again.  That did not happen and I had a spectacular crash at right around 7 months when the full realization of what I was facing sunk in.  It was not pretty. 

 

But I want to tell you - on Friday, it will be four years since my husband died.  Over time things leveled out.  I changed, things around me changed, life became good again.  Time has been my best friend.  Be good to yourself and forgiving.  I made mistakes along the way but I learned to forgive myself for weak moments and focus on the big picture.  I told myself, "OK, today you weren't at your strongest but tomorrow is another day."  And when I had a good day, I made sure to recognize that and reassure myself there will be more of them.  Over time I realized there were more good days than bad.  Its a process that takes time; it is exhausting but you will get there.  Sending support and love.   

[Wheelerswife]

Shock wears off; reality sets in.  Yup. 

 

Many of the things that kept you busy in the first six months are completed.  You are now sitting there and the stark reality of your loss.  He is gone. (WTF????)  How can this be?  Your dreams have just vanished. 

 

It takes awhile to really absorb the extent of what all of this means and to integrate this new reality into our psyche.  It took me a lot longer to do this after the death of my second husband, even though the marriage was much, much shorter.  I'm getting there now at 3 years out.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[MR]

It is 5 months for me today and I don't know why I am crying since morning just missing her. I hope tomorrow will be better

Hugs to everyone.

Manoj

[Julester3]

I'm 9-10 months out and it can get incredulous how much time actually passes because I think for many of us, time is not moving really at the same pace as we perceive. It seems slower because we relive our sad moments over and over on our head trying to understand and accept what is happening to us as we go through grief.

 

I am finding time is finally softening the blow for me but there is no guideline and everyone travels this path but at their own space and time. Hugs to you today.

[mbanyard]

I also hit six months this month and I also hit a low spot and couldn't even fathom wth was happening. I think we do buy into the bullshit about it getting better as time moves on, but I think there will always be things that bring us to our knees along that path as well.

 

I am already planning with my friends for major distraction on his birthday in March, as I know it'll be a REALLY low point amongst the days - which have been good mixed with mediocre and some terrible lately.

 

All we can do is to give ourselves permission to fall off the horse, provided we get back up again...if that makes sense at all.

 

I certainly find it encouraging to know that others are in the same spot as I am. Thank you all for that.

 

[beth_krkswidow]

8 months and I still can't process that he is NEVER coming back.  My brain knows that but somehow someway I, the real me, cannot accept that.  Maybe I am crazy.  But yes, it has gotten worse.  Possibly because I was so numb for so long.  I send you hugs.  Not that they help, but I don't know what else to do in this nightmare that is now our life.

[KrypticKat]

I just passed 6 months. I had a friend that suggested I needed a break away and took me on a low key vacation for a week. The day we left just happened to coincide with the accident. I ended up making a right fool of myself and drinking too much that night and crying but my friend was kind and patient, she figured I was bound to have a bad night. I've been good about dealing with the pain in healthy ways for the most part but none of us are perfect all the time through this process. After that night I was able to enjoy myself for the most part. I found other vacationers irksome at times because they'd ask questions like of I had kids or if I was married but it's not their fault. They can't fathom there are people that are my age that aren't on the 'typical' life track. I did have a panic attack the night we were to go home because I realized 'oh right, I have to go back to that sad mess at home.'

 

It's not a progressive improvement. It's up down forward back and anywhere in between. I think you just get better at handling the randomness of it over time.