Is anyone else sabotaging their relationships?

[nextchapter]

This is my first post. I have been kind of just watching from the fringes. I am 2 years and 8 months out. I have had what I would call two relationships currently in an exclusive relationship. Probably too quick in both of them.

 

My current GF is a very good person and if I were to look out her out side a relationship (in other words, I would say that is a great lady). It just seems every little thing she does irks me, things that are really insignificant, like she could just walk across the room and something about it may piss me off, or I may not like how she drives.

 

I think I am subconsciously sabotaging the relationship and finding reasons it will not work. I know this is very unfair to her. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

[nextchapter]

I found myself constantly comparing her to my DW. For instance she is not quite as slender, although very nice build. Any normal person or somebody in their right mind wouldn't have a problem with it. She is also about 4 inches taller, my DW was only 5'3". If she were not with me guys would be knocking down her door to be with her. They probably are if truth be known. She has so many great qualities, but I can not move past anything that I perceive as a negative. I can't believe thoughts like this are normal, but I am hoping they are. Has anyone went through anything like this.

[daysofelijah]

It is probably unfair to her. She can't compete with the memory of your DW. I would say you might not be quite ready to be in a new relationship. I think there's always some comparison to old partners when entering a new relationship, but it sounds like maybe you aren't ready to let someone new into your heart yet.

 

Maybe some counseling would help? I found a couple years out that everything and everyone annoyed me to the extreme. I wasn't even ready for dating yet, it was just my kids, my family, friends, etc. I had to get some counseling, and getting on an antidepressant helped me with the feelings of irritation a lot.

 

In the meantime I'd consider taking a break from a serious relationship. Just my opinion. My NG and I don't have a perfect relationship, but I adore him and am able to easily look past his faults and into his heart because I love him for who he is. Your GF deserves to find someone who will do the same for her. And someday when the time is right, you too will find someone who will fill your heart, just as your DW did.

[fairlanegirl]

I'd agree with daysofelijah, who gives a far better perspective than I could, though I am in a serious post-widowhood relationship, and rarely compare them, certainly not in a negative way. Your girlfriend has quite likely picked up on your irritation, I would think, which can't feel nice for her. Nowhere do you mention what you actually feel for her. Do you love her? Best of luck to both of you, however it happens.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

Yes

[Trying]

I think while it may be normal to compare some things occasionally, it is certainly not fair to be angry with her for the differences between them.  I agree that maybe some counseling would help you to process these feelings.  It's ok if you are not ready to be in a relationship but not ok to treat this woman unfairly.  I hope you are able to work through these feelings now so when the next wonderful woman crosses your path you can appreciate her for her own unique qualities and enjoy all that comes with a healthy loving relationship. 

 

A little background for you about me, I started a serious relationship in what was probably way too early in my grief journey.  I continued to work on my grief while building our relationship.  While this created some challenges for us in different ways I found that from the beginning I appreciated him and felt an overwhelming need to tell him all of the things I love about him.  We are now engaged.

[nextchapter]

I do care for her, that is why I asked the question. I think I phrased the headline wrong. Perhaps should have been "has anyone sabotaged their relationships". Going to try to edit original post to have that headline. I know I am being unfair to her, in the example I used her height, God knows she can't do anything about that. I think I nitpic (in my mind, not to her personally) at things about the differences, and so it begs the question am I sabotaging my own relationship.

 

I appreciate all the insight, and trust me I know I am being unfair to her and she does not deserve that.

 

 

[Trying]

I just wanted to add that I think it says something about you that are able to recognize you are being unfair.  It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you are not capable of having a healthy relationship again, grief is a bitch!  You owe it to yourself to work through this and this woman deserves to be with someone who is all in. Whether or not you can work through this while still dating her is something only the two of you can decide. I wish you all the best.

[hachi]

Whether or not you can work through this while still dating her is something only the two of you can decide.

 

This is huge.

[klim]

Sometimes I think you have to see given time whether you can adjust.......if you are honest with her and try and explain what is going on in your head I think then she can decide for herself whether she is in to you enough to see you through or whether she needs to extricate herself from the relationship that may struggle.....

 

I think since you are fairly self reflective you should be able to articulate your confused feeling to her.  Honesty is needed though...good luck.

[Mizpah]

Reading this makes me sad for her that the person who is supposed to love her the most sees her faults (or what you personally may see as faults, which may not be faults at all) so starkly.  Whether or not you are doing or feeling or going through something, every person deserves to be loved better than that - more fully, more kindly.  One of the most wonderful things for me about being with DH was that he saw the best in me, and never made me feel like he saw or cared about my flaws - and that view of me brought out the best in me - the best person and the best feelings.  Is what you describe really something you can base a relationship on?  To be irked by someone's minor actions?  To look at them and feel critical rather than desirous?  To find them so wanting but to know that OTHER GUYS would be all about her?  Maybe you're not sabotaging.  Maybe you're "just not that into her."

 

Edited to add: As far as being honest with her, please think hard about that before laying your feelings bare for your own relief.  As someone who is with a widower, it is VERY HARD.  If you tell her you are comparing her to DW, that is something that is going to stick with her and could haunt her forever, a feeling of never being able to measure up, of never being good enough.  I'm assuming she didn't know your wife, so she will imagine her as the most amazing person she can never be.  Be careful with words if you choose the honesty path. 

[StillWidowed]

Soooo what Mizpah wrote (I don't have to reply Mizpah, because you usually interpret my thoughts) 

[nextchapter]

Just to let everyone know. We are still together, I have not told her about any of my feelings. I am trying to work on them. She has so many great qualities, she would be an asset to anyone's life. If they were in their right mind. Trust me I know it is (was) unfair to her, after all she can not do anything about her height or any of the other perceived faults. The problem is me not her. I try to look at things as they crop up, if not for the memories of my dear wife would any of these perceived faults be a problem. The answer is the wouldn't. I am lucky to have her in my life. I will continue to work on me. Thanks for all the different perspectives and thoughts.

[Halfhere]

Being a widow (9 wks today - married 21years) has made the  "It's not you, it's me " take on an entirely new meaning! .

[Guest nonesuch]

I don't know if you're not ready, or if she's not the one for you. 

 

I had the experience of seeing someone briefly who was a fine person, and we were a match- on paper.  In real life not so much.  If you've had two relationships since your spouse's passing, maybe, just maybe you could benefit from taking a step back.

 

The easiest way I was ever let down was having a man tell me, "I'm not emotionally available for a relationship right now."  I don't know if it was true, but it sounded good at the time.