Rayspumpkin Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Today Daniel would be 30. We would have celebrated with cake and ice cream with his parents. My parents would have called and sang to him. Instead, his parents hardly speak to me, my Mom is with him in Heaven, & I wasn't even able to make it to the cemetery because the stupid road is flooded, & I ran out of time to travel the long way because I was trying to compromise my plans for the night to make a friend happy. Most days I feel like I'm living a double life, & I haaaaate it! If missing his birthday because I was trying to make someone else happy counts as the elusive "moving on" then everyone can kiss my ass. I'm not doing it! I feel like I betrayed Daniel by missing the sunset with him. I promised to never forget him, but not having TIME for him is the same thing right? Today just sucks. Widowhood sucks. Being here without him sucks. Needing him sucks. Needing my Mom sucks. Being stuck here sucks. Being alone sucks. Being with other people sucks. Ugh!!! I'm glad that people don't "get it" but damn...I wish someone would just understand that I'm not nuts...I'm widowed. Hell...maybe I am nuts. It's only fair. Crummy day, and been a pretty long stretch of them for the last 4 years. How much longer until I can die happily from old age? Argh. Widow humor...sucks. Just when I start to think I've got this widowed but content thing down; a damn road floods and everything goes up in smoke. I'm a blubbering mess and no one understands because "it's been 4 years" "you have to move on" "you're so strong, why are you letting this define you" yeah...say hi to your spouse as you tell them how sad and pathetic I am. Grrrr. I swear I'm not this bitter...today just sucks. Tomorrow's a new day. Edited because I accidentally hit post instead of preview. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soloact Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Sorry you day was so bad. You're right. We don't have to leave them behind to move on. I'm tired of that moving on nonsense too. I devoutly disregard that talk. My grief. My rules. If the road is clear tomorrow maybe you can get to the cemetery. I'm really sorry it went downhill for you today. He was on your mind all day so you didn't forget him. The rest of the world got in the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 I'm so sorry you had such. Bad day. "That" day always sucks no matter what. I agree, try again another day. You definitely remembered. Not getting there is not the same as forgetting. I think I understand. 4 years is still fresh. Be gentle with yourself. Sending hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Some days just plain suck in this widow life. I'm glad you came here to vent because we do understand. His 30th birthday. Of course you miss him and you also mourn the life you had planned together. Hoping today is a little brighter for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Sometimes, it still hits us like a tidal wave and like the early days, we have to remember its force and just let it crash down. And yes, today is a new day and when the road is cleared, you can go watch the sunset together. Sending lots of empathy from a fellow 4 year-er. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Hi Rayspumpkin, Sorry you have to go thru this. I don't think you did anything wrong as he was in your thoughts whole time. cemetery is not him. He is heaven and must be feeling happy that you were thinking about him. I think it is the thoughts which matter. Tomorrow will be a better day. If not day after tomorrow will be. We all need to think positive as we already got so much negativity in life. Hugs Manoj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sojourner Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 No, circumstances caused you not to be there, but that doesn't mean you forgot him at all. The best laid plans sometimes splinter apart, as I guess everybody here knows from experience... or we wouldn'the be here in the first place. Hoping today is a better day; be gentle on yourself. Peace to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catnip Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 He knows and he understands. He is with you, I'm sure!! Peace, ~Catnip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayspumpkin Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Today was better, thank you all for your sweet words. Meltdown extraordinaire here...but this morning I woke up knowing that he didn't mind me "standing him up" he was way more understanding and forgiving than I am. Lol. For, if the tables were turned...I'd have haunted his butt! Hehe. I know he isn't at the cemetery...it's just odd, because for some reason...it is the only place where I get peace...and recently that has been elusive...even there. I was just really hoping for a "date" night with him...ya know? Oh well, I'll run out on Saturday and visit...maybe that will make me feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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