Mourning Attire

[Monique]

I'm just curious... did anyone else choose to wear mourning attire such as black clothes or some other outward symbol of your grief? I've chosen to wear black or grey in public for the time being... not sure it will necessarily work as a symbol of grief to those who don't already know, but bright colors just feel wrong to me right now.

[Captains wife]

I only wore black for the funeral...I didn't feel the need to continue to wear mourning attire after that although I certainly didn't feel like wearing cute, bright clothes for a while.

[Julester3]

I wore black and gray to the visitation/wake and the funeral. I went back to my normal clothes because they are just more comfortable for me and I own quite a bit of gray and dark brown clothing as it is so I wear it with regular frequency anyways.

[Mrs.johnson]

I wore white to my husband's memorial...he loved me in white...after that I went back to my regular clothes...

[Guest oneoftwo]

Hi

as far as actual mourning attire, not just worn to a service, there was a gentleman on the previous version of this web site who said he wore a black arm band, for a year I think. And a widow who said she would always wear black under garments.

Where I live, I'm not sure there is a culture about that. But I think in small ways some of us do something, either by wearing something of theirs, or by not using something else (like jewelry) as much?

I slipped my husbands wedding band on the middle finger of my left hand, where I found it fit perfectly. It remains there, side by side with mine on my ring finger. They are thin bands, most people wouldn't know why I have two identical bands on one hand.

But I do.

[HCE]

One thing I've discovered over the past five months is that our culture has no conventions at all to deal with grief and bereavement. Nobody knows what to say, and because there's no template many people say nothing at all. As there are no outward signs of mourning, and because one carries on outwardly as if everything were OK, people are allowed to pretend that nothing happened. Or, having paid their respects at the funeral, that the problem is now safety in the past and can be ignored.

 

There's a lot to be said for the old-fashioned custom of wearing mourning attire for a set period. It forced the world to acknowledge that death happens and that it makes people suffer. Isn't it strange that death happens to everyone, and is the one certainty in life, and yet we bend over backwards to pretend it isn't there?

 

I live in Australia, but I'm sure it's no better in the US.

[Monique]

HCE, that's exactly how I feel about it. Wearing black as a fashion statement is so common now that I'm sure no one even pays attention to my wardrobe. In the first couple of weeks especially I wished there was a way to make my grief apparent to the outside world, if only so I wouldn't feel obligated to try and act cheerful in public. It's been 6 weeks now, and I'm functional enough to not be so concerned about that, but wearing mourning still just feels right. I also never take off my engagement ring- it's a symbol of the connection I'll always have to him.

[klim]

Each to their own.....if it makes you feel good do it. As black is a common fashion statement I don't think the world will recognize it, but perhaps people that know you will regognize the statement.

 

I personally went with picking my favorite, make me feel good, clothes. In my grief I was looking for pick me ups in what every form I could , bright colours, meaningful jewellery ...I surrounded myself in happy things.

[Nuggets]

I wore white to my husband's memorial...he loved me in white...after that I went back to my regular clothes...

 

I wore a bright pink dress and jacket that used to make John do 'wild pig noises' (it looked good on me, but he said it looked better in a pile on the floor ) ~ when I got home that day I rolled it into a ball and stuffed it into the bin for garbage... I was never going to wear it again, and did not want to chance seeing anyone else in it if I donated it.

[Portside]

...  there was a gentleman on the previous version of this web site who said he wore a black arm band, for a year I think. And a widow who said she would always wear black under garments.

 

First time I was referred to as a "gentleman" here. LOL. I didn't wear it that long though.

 

I did that as a outward sign such that one of two things would happen; 1) Folks would instantly recognize I had lost someone recently or 2) Folks that were not familiar with the custom would ask me about it. That gave me the opportunity to tell them what had happened. Either way, the outcome was what I was after - people backed off and said and did the appropriate things.

 

I also hung a black sash on the front door for a time for the same reasons.

 

Mike

 

[Wheelerswife]

Another "old" member who I have had the opportunity to meet chose to dress up every day with a shirt and tie, even though business and social circumstances did not dictate that type of attire.  He also made a point of visiting his wife's grave daily if possible.  These actions had meaning for him...and that was what mattered.

 

Maureen

[Guest nonesuch]

A woman who would be in her eighties or so now told me that when she was growing up, widows and widowers frequently wore black for the first few months (three? six? I don't remember, now) and then moved on to subdued colors like gray and lavender. They were first generation Americans, if that makes a difference. I've never looked at lavender the same way.

 

It's kind of a shame this has fallen by the wayside.  It would be of benefit to society to see this and be reminded to approach the bereaved more gently.

 

Of course, maybe we should make the effort to approach everyone more gently.