4 weeks and feeling hopeless

[Abby78]

Hi my name is Abby.  My dh passed away suddenly and unexpectedly  on May 31st.  He was 41.  He had a heart attack ( no prior health issues).

On May 27th we just got the key to our new home.  The day he died we were picking out paint colors for the new house.  I lost my mom when I was 8 and my dad 6 years ago when I was 33.  I thought I was an expert at grief and being strong.  I loved my parents dearly but the pain I feel after my husbands death is unimaginable.  I feel empty, sick, anxious, alone, and so much worse 24/7.  I have an 11 and 12 year old daughters.  They are okay now but I suspect its because we have not stayed home on our own yet and faced our real new life.  They are constantly surrounded by family and given extra attention.

Now I'm trying to move in the new house and I feel sick, guilty, lonely, and so sad.  I can barely stand up but somehow I manage to get things done.  We had a family business that I have to continue running on my own.  So far I'm doing horrible at that.  Can't stand being there for more than an hour.  I'm scared of the future and I'm scared of failing my daughters.  I've always worried about my daughters being unhappy. 

Please be honest and let me know if it does get better.  And not in the future I if I start dating.  I don't ever plan to.  I want to find some new happiness with just me and my girls and the family that surrounds us.  Is it possible?

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Abby,

 

I am so sorry that you have had to join our club.  This is so fresh for you right now and you are in the midst of other transitions as well.  It is perfectly normal to feel empty, sick, anxious, alone and so much worse 24/7.

 

Right now, you have all you can to to keep breathing.  I'm glad you are letting other people surround your girls and give them (and you) support.  I know it isn't easy to grasp this right now, but you will get through this.  My experiences with being widowed were very different, but I am still upright and functioning despite my losses.  It isn't necessarily easy and there are times when I feel the brunt of sadness. 

 

Don't fret too much about the future right now.  Time helps to take care of some of that and you always have the option of changing your mind down the road about what you want for yourself.  Right now, remember to drink water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, love on your girls (if they will let you!) and take all the help that people offer.

 

We are here for support, so use us!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[WifeLess]

Abby78,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your tragic loss.

 

As difficult as it may be to believe when you are newly widowed, it is possible to survive this, and things do get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now.

 

--- WifeLess

[Trying]

Right now you overwhelmed by shock and grief and the idea that it does get easier with time is probably very hard to imagine.  As much as you can, focus on the here and now.  You are in survival mode and need to accept all of the help that is offered and focus on taking care of yourself and your daughters.  You will slowly start to find moments where you feel you can handle things and those moments will vary in frequency and duration for a while.  Gradually joy will creep in, in much the same way.  This new life that feels impossible will start to take shape. 

 

I had a hard time accepting the setbacks in my grief journey once I had started to feel a little more in control but I came to realize that it is a winding road with ups and downs and became more grateful for the stretches of calm when I felt like I was just cruising and catching my breath. 

 

As I approach 4 years I can say that I no longer feel the pain of grief, and when sadness hits me I know it will pass.

[Julester3]

I am so sorry you have to join us here. Hugs to you. I can relate. I also lost my husband to a heart attack and he too had no symptoms or warning signs. It throws you off kilter but as you process and work things out for yourself, things will look up a little at a time. There is no set time frame and it varies for everyone. Definitely don't think too far ahead. Focus on you and your kids, that is what matters. Accept what help is offered and don't be afraid to say what you do and do not need. It's okay to do that. We are here for you.

[kailee]

I am so sorry, Abby, for your pain. I am glad you found this forum. It is all very fresh for me--day 64 without him--but I have found it so helpful to know I'm not alone in what I am going through. It's incomprehensible, but I'm not alone. And neither are you!

[Abby78]

Thank you for all your reassurance.  I just needed to know with time it will get better.  If I ever got down in the past I would shrug it off and know that I would feel better any moment.  Ever since my dh passed away I feel like I can't get away from the grief and sadness for even one second.  Sometimes when I try to be cheery in front of the girls my voice will crack because I can't take it.  I fear that my grief and sadness will even get worse as impossible as that seems.  I'm thankful that I can come on here and have an idea I've what I'm in for.  Thank you

[Julester3]

Showing a cheery disposition is tough. I've been able to show the kids that I can be cheery through little ways like when we go to the movies and it's amusing. It's hard to do without something to help bring it forth so I used movies and tv to show I can exhibit a laugh or genuine smile. Sometimes sharing a funny story of their sad or when I was their ages can bring out a random smile. Draw strength from whatever think might help. Hugs today.

[jgib]

I am so sorry for your pain Abby.  I lost 4 close family member in 4 years just before my husband.  I too thought I knew how to roll with loss and grief.  DH was also sudden, an accident.  I was the opposite of you, I went numb.  I exhibited in a fog and don't think I felt anything for two years.....

I agree, don't think too far ahead and focus on the important stuff.  I am not going to say it gets better but it does get different.  It will not "be" like this forever.

[Angelalpn]

Abby,

Our stories are so similar. I actually lost my Scott on May 27th...on vacation visiting our children in Colorado. I moved back to Colorado.

I too feel lost, confused, and lonely. My kids are older 19, 21, and 24 but they have their own circle of friends. I feel like I have no one. His family is being very difficult. They are trying to get me to make decisions. I decided the only decision I am making is that I am not making any decisions. Please reach out...we can cry together

[Mizpah]

Please be honest and let me know if it does get better.  And not in the future I if I start dating.  I don't ever plan to.  I want to find some new happiness with just me and my girls and the family that surrounds us.  Is it possible?

 

Yes, it gets better.  It's different for everyone, but for me, yes, it definitely got better over time, and there was nothing worse for me than those first few days/weeks/months.  I started to feel alive again a bit before two years (again: it's different for everyone), before I "recoupled" and before I thought that would ever be something I'd be into.  For me, it was really simple things that I found joy in again - or peace, maybe.  Joy or peace.  It was very gradual.  Simple things like good weather, watching a marathon and finding myself smiling, a perfectly ripe piece of fruit, the feeling after a run or a workout - tired but energized.  Those were the signs to me that I may be ok again - that things like that could make me happy.  I went on a trip by myself at two years, and it solidified that feeling - that I might be happy again.  I felt good.  I felt really, really good. 

 

[Feel free to ignore this part.  In the beginning, it would make me rageful when people talked to me about finding someone and having a relationship one day again.  But: I'd thought I'd never have feelings for anyone ever again (my relationship with DH was, as another wid here put it "absurdly ideal"), I did become involved with someone and found that I wasn't dead inside after all and that I could have very real, very deep feelings for someone else one day.] 

 

As for being cheery for the kids, I now have a daughter, and I've told her: sometimes people are sad.  Your girls will learn about emotional honesty/authenticity/acceptance and strength from you if you don't force yourself to pretend cheerfulness in such absolutely horrific circumstances (too much - I realize some forcing yourself to function and exist and be stable is of course necessary and healthy). 

[Abby78]

Thank you so much for this feedback.  It really does help.  I'm so sorry that all of you had to endure such a big loss too.  so glad I found this forum.

[Mac_Encheeze]

Abby, i am right there with you. I discovered my wife on May 31st when I came home from work at 6am. She is 31. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, we don't have any children. All we have together is 2 dogs. 

 

Yup. Right with you in the time frame. I has to get better soon. Because I don't know how I'll continue on without my wife. It's so unfair. 31! We had plans. And with every handful of ash, I saw all those hopes, dreams, and plans vanish as I spread them in a creek at her favorite beach.

[BrokenHeart2]

To Abby78 and all of you so new in the sad journey, my heart goes out to you. 

We are or have been where you are and you are not alone in this although it sure may feel that way.  We get it because we've been there too. I was so thankful when early out I found this forum (well it was it's predecessor YWBB) and it's has helped me so much to not feel crazy and alone. We are all crazy together lol. Seriously, read and/or share here and you will almost always find that someone has had a similar experience in one way or another.

Hugs.

[Mizpah]

I has to get better soon.

 

I don't know about soon, but just keep going.  You won't always feel so horrible.  I say about this: What happened to him will never be ok, but *I* am now.  It takes time, and it takes emotional honesty: both allowing yourself to suffer, and allowing yourself healing/good feelings.  I'm thinking of you all and wish so much you didn't know this devastation.