4.5 and 45

[Guest TooSoon]

I don't know what's gotten into me lately.  Last night (granted there was some drinking involved), I just completely melted down for no reason - we'd had a great day with friends - there was no reason for it.  Yet flood gates opened and I just could not stop crying.  What gives?  Everything is good in my life.  But last night, for some unknown reason, I went there - dredging up all of this stuff from the past.  Revisiting the awfulness of everything that happened.  I still sometimes feel like I don't know who I am?  Why?  What is up with that?  Does that go away?  Four and a half years.  I thought I had this in the bag.  Maybe its because I'm 45 and not because of what happened.  I want very much for that to be the case.  Argh!

[Forgottenwife]

I understand, sometimes I go there too, and I am a little over 6 years out. Every once in a while, I have an epic meltdown and I lie in my bed and just relive those days. I'm grateful that the waves aren't as high and I can refocus fairly quickly. I think what feeds it too is I ponder what my life is now as opposed to what I always thought, that I would grow old with my husband. Like you stated, everything is good in my life too. I don't question it anymore, those bad moments and what I call dark thoughts. Thank you for posting this and I'm grateful for this space here because when I try to express these things to others in my life, no one really gets it. 

 

I can't answer why yours happens, just wanted to say I understand and can relate.

[Mizpah]

Drinking can do this, open the door to things we don't think can hurt us anymore (I'm at 6+).  I read this and immediately thought: "Huh, that never happens to me."  But then I remembered that time in the car driving home from work when a certain song was on the radio and I randomly remembered something moving that DH's dad had said to me and I pictured his face and promptly bawled my freakin' head off for a few minutes and then was totally fine - and mystified as to what had just occurred!  Trauma is tricky, and it being mostly latent makes us think it's done.  Not much in life is simple, least of all big issues like life satisfaction, love, loss, aging, memory....  Perhaps we set ourselves up for these crises by, in the normal course, insisting on and forcing emotional simplification.  Except for some easygoing, happy-go-lucky lucky ones, to struggle internally is normal.  Wait, isn't it?  Is it? 

[fairlanegirl]

Over 6 years here too, and a few weeks ago I had a day when I wandered round crying like a leaky tap all day. Could have been partly hormonal but really, when you think about it, why WOULDN'T we have times like that? Why expect ourselves to never be taken back there? We're human, it's not that neat and tidy, and really, should it be? Best to just roll with it, don't question it. Total 'closure' is nonsense for most, anyway.

[trying2breathe]

At almost 4 years and I have occasional moments of bawling my eyes out, then drying the tears, pulling it together and then I'm okay.  For me it seems to be an accumulation of stress, tiredness, whatever's nagging at me, or a grief trigger that needs releasing.  A big messy cry does the trick, and then I seem to be good for awhile.

[Wheelerswife]

Almost 8 years...and 3.5 years...and now age 55!  Damn.  I'm getting old!

 

My moods fluctuate lately like the winds in Kansas.  My poor dog doesn't know what to do with me.  I go from paralyzed to banshee (but I lose momentum there pretty quickly).  Fortunately, there isn't much shopping around here or retail therapy would have me in high credit card debt.

 

I'm grateful for my recent road trip.  My swinging moods were more manageable (except when under the roof of my folks). 

 

I've not been one to partake of the wine so much, but my weight loss seems to be on hold again...so my vice there has been utilized a bit.

 

I know I am more fortunate than so many people, but that doesn't negate my own pain.  No matter how fortunate you are, either, my friend, your pain is still very real...and it just tends to revisit, eh?

 

Hugs...and thanks for the chance to rant a little, too...

 

Maureen

[Guest TooSoon]

THank you for all of your thoughtful replies. You know, I think the full weight of everything that happened has only now hit me.  Now this is life.  And while much of it is good, it is still strange.  While it isn't "transitional" anymore, everything feels transitional, if that makes sense.  While I want to feel like my feet are firmly planted on the ground, I don't feel that way at all.  I feel very much like a spectator, rather than a participant, in life.  I think that may be residual from the trauma of being a long term caregiver in such a high maintenance situation during which I had to adapt to living with the fact that death could come any day, during which I had to be, to some degree, invisible, to have no needs or hopes or desires.  Scott's cancer was everything.  It had to be.  GBM is not like other cancers.  Living like that for two years might have had a bigger impact on me than I've been willing to admit until now.  Its been a long six and a half years.  It is exhausting to allow myself what feels like a long overdue acknowledgment that I'm still hurting and I am just wasted, worn thin and getting older.  It probably would have done me well to move away from here and start over.  But that's not what I chose to do.  Shoulda woulda coulda gets me nowhere though.  I just want this feeling, this weight, to go away.  As always, thank you for understanding.