Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time

[arneal]

Good for you, tybec!

[tybec]

This divorce stuff.  I don't know what to do but stand back and watch and listen.

 

NG had kids for his weekly 2 hour dinner night since he does not get them this weekend. Yeah, it is sad the limited time he gets.  His ex didn't arrive at the allotted time to pick them up.  So, he took them home and text her he would keep them and drop them off at school tomorrow.  (200 yrds. walk, remember) 

 

He text me about it.  I just hoped she would not call the cops.  He said she acknowledged him with an email (documentation) but I just don't know about this choice.  He is making a point, but will it help him with his goal?  And the drama that it is going to create!  But I am not in his shoes with someone telling me you are qualified to parent half time in the summer but not during the school time.  Crazy. 

 

I am 3 weeks in my new home.  Job interview went well.  Just trying to relax and see how this pans out, but it is dramatic.  Talk every day but haven't seen him since Sunday.  Ugghhhh......

[arneal]

So sorry, tybec. Wow -- three weeks already! Time sure flies. It seems you are doing exactly what you should be doing: your life.

 

Divorce is such a difficult matter. After LH divorced his ex, I noticed how his daughter viewed us. Our relationship was so different than that of her mom and dad; her mom would come to my house (he never wanted the extra drama so the two houses purchased during our time together were bought by me) and try to show off. I would ignore her antics and do me. Eventually she stopped. But even after he died, his daughter seemed to see more of a connection between him and me than him and her mom; I once made a comment early on about having a 'friend' (NG) who could fix my garage door opener but I didn't want him to because it was hot and he'd get all dusty and dirty out there. Her response? He could do it and just clean up because I have two bathrooms but he wasn't allowed to use the one in my bedroom  :

 

NG is divorced and it has obviously left scars. His ex didn't seem to care much for his feelings, which has hardened him. I am patient and do my best to let him have his space, but like you say, it is hard. His doctor took him off work this week because of his nerve pain; I took dinner over on Tuesday. Mind you, we had talked about going to see my son this weekend. I texted some info I promised to send him on Wednesday, no answer. I texted him yesterday to ask if I should reschedule the meet up this weekend, no answer. I'm giving it until this afternoon and then I am texting to say that I guess that means yes, postpone. Like you, I have too much to do to sit around, waiting while he works out some of this stuff.

[Trying]

Tybec you have a lot on your plate right now!  2 years ago I moved and made a career change while figuring out my new relationship and all of its complexities.  It can make your head spin! 

 

NG insisted on more time with his kids this past winter after he moved in here and was in the kids school district finally, before he only had them for a few hours 2 nights a week and every other weekend.  Now his ex says she will not allow week day overnights any more.  No reason other than she doesn't think it's best.  Despite the fact that on our nights they eat balanced meal at the family table, get homework done, play time, reading and bed at a decent hour.  They get an extra 90 minutes of sleep in the morning because they don't have to go to before school program and can take the bus.

 

Yesterday he met with an attorney and will be petitioning for an updated custody arrangement that reflects the shared custody they are supposed to have.  The attorney seems to think it's an easy case.  It's an expense he really doesn't need now but she refuses to discuss anything or be reasonable so there is no other option.  Kids who are fortunate enough to have 2 living parents who love them and want to actively parent should not be denied time with either parent. 

 

Figuring out my role in all of this has been difficult, now that we are just a month away from being married I feel like I have a little bit more of a say but mostly all I can do is be supportive.  There is so much about the mind set of the divorced that I just can't get since I've never been there, sort of like DGI's with the widow experience. 

[tybec]

Update:

 

NG had meeting with his attorney.  He had Father's rights meeting a couple weeks ago and had a national speaker on parents' right come and speak and a local representative that helped with passing the new legislature about presumptive custody at separation.  So, the state is slowly moving into the year 2017. 

 

He is working vigorously on his course.  He will likely be held in contempt, but not go to jail for 6 months for keeping his kids overnight.  Pay court costs, fine, maybe. 

 

I understand his needs/desires. 

 

I am dealing with my mother in hospice.  She is declining, so I am there as frequently as I can be.  My great interview for the job came to an end. Conflict of interest.  I knew it was highly likely but thought working out of town may make it an option, but as the owner works with NG's son, and therefore, his ex, she doesn't want to even acknowledge we ever spoke.  I understand.  I wish I didn't like her, though.  But she was great.  I had looked her up last summer when NG's ex chose her as a therapist, and so I knew her background.  Anyhow.

 

I am supportive.  l listen.  But I do feel like I am left out to fend for myself.  He asks about me, how I am coping with my mom, but doesn't have any follow through. Provides an ear but not much else.  He took off early this week for his kids, his meeting with the attorney.  He has never done anything like that for me. 

 

So, just let it go?  Accept it?  We are going on 1 and 1/2 yrs.  I hate feeling so much like I can't depend on him.  My LH and I were so intertwined, we were a team, a given.  When my father was dying, I called my LH and told him I was packing up to leave to go and he begged me to wait so he could go with me, so I would not be alone, and he loved my dad.  Can me and NG get there?  Or is this the reality of his situation and blending ?

 

[Trying]

Tybec it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates right now.  Before we got engaged NG and I each complained at different times that we were "together but separate", each dealing with our own stuff alone even if we were supportive.

 

I can't speak for the future of your relationship but we are now operating as more of a team.  We are definitely not yet at the place I was with DH because I still deal most of the things to do with my kids and he deals with most to do with his.  We are slowly integrating with the younger kids but I don't think it will ever be 50-50.  House stuff and our personal stuff is now more of a partnership.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's decline, between moving and this you have a great deal of stress and I'm sure it has you missing your DH and the strong partnership you had.

[daysofelijah]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It's good you can spend so much time with her now. I can't speak to the situation with your NG, but I hope things work out for him with his custody issues so you can both have more time to grow your relationship if that's what is best.

[arneal]

Oh, tybec ... this is so hard. I wrote a blog post a week or so ago about being willing to beat Death to a pulp if I had to for my son; would I go to such extremes for NG? If we were at a commitment level of being in the same house/engaged/married? Absolutely. I have not been in a challenging situation like you have as caregiver for your parents and can't imagine how I would feel if I was and NG was unwilling to support me. I would understand if he was unable; I remember my LH's family basically ostracizing him for not attending his auntie's funeral. He was on contract to work that day and they could not understand. There are times when we can't do something but to say nothing and just go on as if it was okay is problematic ...

[trying2breathe]

tybec  So sorry to hear of your Mom's decline.  Although I'm nowhere near the level commitment in my relationship that you have w/your NG, I too wonder about the blending of families and what level of support to expect.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that realistically I won't again have the level of support that I had with my late husband.  I do hope with time to learn to grow with, love and have the support of a new extended family.  Follow through for me would be important, it's not enough to just listen.  You're both dealing with some stressful things right now, hope that you can find some peaceful days ahead and time to sort out the relationship.

[tybec]

My new "stuff". 

 

A statement I thought benign lead to a discussion of our relationship pace.  NG indicated in it that he believes I base our "pace" on my 20 plus marriage. Yup, I likely do.  I told him I would "back off" then, as my 28 yr. old time with DH is the only relationship I had, so I know no different. He quickly responded he did not wish for me to "back off" in any manner.  But that he thought I would likely understand him better and his responsibilities  if I was divorced vs. widowed, worked full time versus part time, etc.  I responded I was who I was, and he was his "story".  And I did take into consideration his circumstances. We would work out, or we would not.  But that I did have reasonable expectations of a relationship.  He agreed my expectations were reasonable but we are not "there" yet.

 

For some reason it was freeing to have this dialogue.  Though uncomfortable, I just feel differently.  I am going to keep swimming, enjoy some adult time, but attempt to let go of my preconceived notions, which is freeing.

[arneal]

Glad you had a talk, tybec, and that you are in a good place!

[tybec]

Just reality with dating with kids.

 

NG hung out the evenings at my house all weekend, not his kids' weekend.  My DS is getting more used to his presence but not warmed up a whole lot.  NG is reaching out, asking him to things, trying to connect in activities he thinks my son may like or participate in with his children.  My son is slow to warm, I think and dealing with his mom is really serious about this guy, the only guy besides his dad.

 

Well, NG came for dinner Sunday and was checking his schedule. He has something every night this week with his children's activities.  And then it is his weekend with them.  They are doing a hike/bike thing Sunday.  My son is not  up to it. I burned my son out some in boy scouts with camping, hiking, and he does not love it, now. NG is just starting all that up with his kids being younger.

 

So, not sure when we will connect again. I know NG has 2 kids, so twice the amount of activities I did with my son.  He deserves to have that time, and I will work on accepting this.  It is highly likely my son will be involved soon with school events, too, so we will be going in different directions.

 

I read an article that many relationships now are together an average of 4 years prior to marriage.  The average time dating is 1.4 yrs., move in together and get engaged about 1.8 yrs. later, and then plan the wedding.  Interesting, huh? 

 

We are past the 1.4 yrs. of dating, but on hold for moving forward.  I am okay with that, now.  MY how things change!

 

 

[arneal]

That is an interesting statistic, tybec -- do they mean the couple is involved for about 4 years, then get to the point of considering moving in and marriage about 3-4 months prior to doing so? I find the whole 4 years thing interesting for sure, since when I tell people that my NG and I are at about 1 year, 4 months since our first date, they raise their eyebrows and start asking about the future. I tell them that I am hopeful that we will continue to grow closer but with the way relationships develop these days, I try not to think too far ahead 

[tybec]

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/07/164210/how-long-couples-spend-together-before-getting-married

 

 

 

 

Arneal,

 

My poor communication. I wrote months, and it should have been years.  Here is where I read it.  Nothing in stone, exceptions always, of course. But, I don't seem to know any YOUNG couples not living together prior to marriage.

 

This breaks down as 1.4 years (17 months) of dating before moving in together, living together for 1.83 years (22 months) before getting engaged, and spending 1.67 years (20 months) engaged before getting married. On average, couples will spend 3.5 years living together before marriage, and nearly nine in 10 couples (89%) live together in some capacity beforehand. (We're guessing financial reasons are behind the decision for many couples.)

[

[arneal]

Thanks for sharing, tybec. You are right -- nothing is set in stone in this process. NG and I are just about at the 1.4 year mark since we started dating but I can't imagine having a move-in conversation just because of life circumstances. I own my home and he is renting with his youngest daughter to help her save expenses while she is still in school. I think they have a set lease time frame so such a conversation is not even on the radar. Plus, I would want to be in a slightly better situation myself before considering such a thing for logistical reasons. I have a two vehicles that do not run -- the sedan in the garage and the SUV in the driveway. I can't get rid of them because I don't hold title. If I could get rid of them both, I'd be all for it because he has a motorcycle and a work truck. Heck, even with just the SUV gone for now, it would clear the driveway for his little work truck and the bike. But I am not ready to have a discussion on how much I owe for them both  Life choices to survive are not always the best ... the loan on the sedan is big and I have a title loan on the truck. Oh, well. Who knows what the future will bring?

[tybec]

NG's kids are in Florida with their mom and grandparents for fall break.  So, I have had lots of time with NG. We have had LOTS of discussions, some disagreements.  The honeymoon is over.  Working through it.

 

Well, court for his kids isn't until MARCH.  So, waiting to even go to court is basically this whole school year.  There will be no changes with his custody arrangement until then, at the earliest.  I knew we are on hold for future decisions about us, where we are going, where he lives, etc.  He is referring to us more and more as US and WE and such.  But wow.  I had no idea about things taking forever to change. 

 

Anyone else just waiting due to other circumstances?  On one level, I am like, "Well, this gives us time to decide if we are really IT."  My other level says, " You know tomorrow isn't promised.  How long to wait?" 

 

Widowhood.  Meh.

[Captains wife]

Tybec - I had to chuckle re. Your widowhood meh comment. I'm right there too. My relationship has been somewhat in limbo due to a custody battle and it's not pleasant. And his ex seems really unpleasant and to some extent our schedule seems to have to revolve around her. This mid life dating isn't easy or for the faint hearted. And I'd  have to make all the compromises (moving to new area, taking my son away from the only place he's ever known, an even longer commute for work) if we took things to the next level- not fair as I'm the true single parent. But for some reason I don't worry about the future anymore and just taking one step at a time. If this relationship is meant to work it out, it will be worked out....for me, I'm using this limbo time to really get to know NG, figure out what I/we want. But none of this is easy and there are days when I get annoyed about the limbo stuff.

[arneal]

So sorry, tybec and Captains wife. Limbo. Ugh. I think much of 'mid-life dating' is limbo. For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy. What does that look like? Life has been tough and I often wonder if I would know 'happy' if it landed in my lap. Difficulties harden the heart and it is difficult to soften it again. I wrote a blog post that went up this morning about 'how did I get here' -- I was standing in my backyard with my dogs yesterday and the thought just hit me as I stood, looking out at the sky and feeling the wind blow. I have been widowed twice and I feel like I've become the cat lady neighbor -- I have one neurotic cat, two crazy guard dogs, a fish tank. I sometimes go out to water the lawn in my robe. Yeah, I've turned into 'her'  It was a momentary pity party but I got over it.

 

With the dating thing, I just don't know. I guess I'm in it for the ride. In my 'how did I get here' moment yesterday, I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes. CW -- you mentioned the compromises, which made me remember a conversation he and I had last weekend. I was talking about wanting my passport and he said he can't even think about getting one for another year or so; things had gotten so volatile with the ex when she didn't even want to talk to him, she put out a restraining order, meaning he can't own a firearm or get a passport until it expires. When they first broke up, she kept a bunch of his stuff out of spite (things like blankets and sheets -- yeah, it was like that) and he would try to contact her to ask for it all back. She got mad, filed the order. He abided by it and in the end, she gave the stuff back -- his daughter had to go and meet her to get it. So ugly. That means if I could take a real vacation somewhere out of the country, he couldn't go.

 

I also brought up Thanksgiving. He said, 'We are cooking ...' whatever it was, meaning he and his daughter have plans this year; she spends the holiday with him for a couple years and then with her mom for a couple years. I am a planner, so I am wondering if I'll be invited to join them. I think it hit me as I was thinking about the 'how did I get here' -- this year would be the first I spent completely alone if I don't get invited. I will still cook and enjoy not having to work for a couple days, but still ...

 

In my case, should things advance, he would be the one to make more compromises like you mention, CW -- I own my home and live farther from the home office of his job and right now, certainly farther than where he commutes to every day. He has more storage space in his room in the apartment he and his daughter have than I do because it's newer than my house, so that would be interesting.

 

Yeah, I do a lot of thinking for my limbo time 

[trying2breathe]

For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy.

 

 

^ this, exactly.  As wids we know too well that life offers no guarantees - one day at a time is my mantra these days.

[tybec]

 

Thanks for the feedback.  It is good to know others get it.  I don't know if I am cut out for the drama of a custody battle and on going interactions with the ex and family.  I did move to his town, but not just for him.  I am attending a different church for my son due to the youth program.  I started a small group to meet people.  I am interviewing for jobs to shorten my commute of 90 minutes. 

 

My son loves his new school.  The difference in education is palatable.  Starts his day in Lego robotics for an elective and ends in geometry in the HS, as he is in MS.  There was nothing like this in my very poor county we lived in.  My mother is slowly dying with hospice involved.  I am where I need to be.  Just not all sure about the NG and fam.  I like his kids, his activiites he does with them. He is a great dad.  But all the other.  Yeah.

 

It will work or it won't.  My mantra.  It is the fact no matter how I think about it.  Thanks again.

[arneal]

tybec -- hitting 'like' on your post just didn't say enough. This whole moving forward thing is ... something else. Your point: It will work or it won't. My mantra. It is the fact no matter how I think about it. -- so true.

 

{{{hugs}}}

[tybec]

Thanks Arneal.

 

I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes.

 

I do this, too.  I thought it was a fatalist view.  Maybe just more common because of our situations with death?  I am glad I am not the only one who goes there. 

[Captains wife]

Yes....I understand this. I also want to minimize drama in my life given everything we have gone through. I just find it so frustrating being in a relationship where a third party seems to dictate a lot of what is going on...I just don't have these issues on my side although I guess dating a widow with a young child has its own challenges. I know I should be more understanding of NG's situation sometimes- but honestly it just pisses me off re. All the compromises I feel I've been making. Just my honesty speaking !

[tybec]

NG is without kids this weekend, so hanging with my son and me.  I admit, I like to have him to myself. He is on guard with me and his kids, like he won't touch me at all, as he worries about what they will say to their mother. Well, his son called and talked for an hour.  They are taking the first scouting camping trip next weekend, and he talked excitingly about the trip and went over plans.  NG and his sons are 4 yrs. behind me and my son and all this, so I have been there and done that.  He is Pack leader and stuff, just like my LH was.  I am happy for him and his sons.  I asked if he had ever talked to his son that long, and he didn't think so, and it was not the prescribed phone time. They skype nightly at 7.  He also skipped breakfast  with us to take the call, and then he had to leave for his other son's soccer game.

 

Ummm, did the ex put him up to calling?  Why would he happen to call at this time of day and such?  Again, happy for NG and his son's interest, but timing was impeccable.  NG hopes it will become a norm.  Call him when they want to talk to him, which is normal and natural.  Makes me smile and smirk at the same time. 

[arneal]

Blending households in the best of circumstances is weird. When there is an over the top ex? Oh my. I remember when LH put a ring on my finger; it was a few days after his divorce was final (mind you, he and the ex had been legally separated for oh, 10+ years? And we had lived together for about four). His daughter told her mom and she called LH and said something like, you just couldn't wait, could you? He was like, no LOL! Par for the course I suppose.