Have you ever felt like you would think about your DH more when dating someone?

[Viva]

Recently I started to date someone else again after my DH passed away 3.5 years ago. Finally the NG and I didn't work out after dating for 2 months. I found myself missing my DH even more than before and the sadness of losing my DH starts to hit me hard again.

 

Have you guys had the same feeling before? I suddenly feeling like going backward again.

 

I just miss the wonderful time with my DH....

[Julester3]

Absolutely. After my 1 year, I dabbled in online dating because I was lonely and looking for some sort of connection to fill the void. It honestly ended up not for me but it really made me miss my husband even more. No man I dated could ever amount to him and I can't help but compare how deficient every guy was. So I sort of reverted back and I stopped dating for now. My husband and I were just so in sync with one another. We could have fun and do things and have crazy conversations. We could sit and keep one another company doing different things in the same room. It was just that we were just a touch away and accessible. I miss that the most as well as the level of trust we had.

[Viva]

Hi Julester3, that is exactly what I am feeling right now. My DH and I were just perfect match. We had so much fun and laughter together. Also he was just a person who knew me so well. I told myself not to compare anyone with my DH but I think we all would do it in our head? I just couldn't stop thinking My DH and I am just wondering if I can ever fall in love with anyone else again.

 

[Julester3]

I tried hard not to compare the guys I dated to my husband but in the end, when you are looking for qualities you feel you need in a new relationship, in a new partner, how can you not use what quality information you have to draw on from your relationship from your late husband? I know I needed someone who can fulfill my intellectual needs as much as my physical needs. Sadly, only 1 had the intellectual capacity but everyone else just wanted physical relationships, not even caring about if we intellectually matched if the sexual chemistry was satisfactory. Sexual chemistry for me unfortunately requires that intellectual connection. I learned if it wasn't there, it did nothing for me. I learned something about myself never having dated as an adult. And the 1 guy that I really liked finally admitted he wasn't really divorced but was in an unhappy, unsatisfying marriage. I let him go because he really needed to figure himself out. I'm no home wrecker. So here I am keeping myself busy with projects and activities with my friends and kids, not dating but if I run into it, I wouldn't be adverse.

[imissdow]

Only all the time. I just broke up with a guy I dated for 6 months.  I have been weepy and upset, however not about him. Currently I'm pissed that my lh left me in this place. I actually really liked this guy, hopefully we will remain friends. Least that's what he says he want. I try really hard not to compare. And for the most part I do ok until thing go bad. Then I start thinking my lh would never do ...  I hate it.

[daysofelijah]

My marriage was far from idyllic, so I haven't done much fond reminiscing as I moved forward. I did have a couple horrible dreams near the beginning of dating NG, that LH came back and I had to choose if I would stay with NG or go back to LH.

[Viva]

Julester3: I totally agree with you. My DH was such a perfect match for me and he was just the perfect guy for me. I thought we could have a lifelong relationship together. I tried not to compare other guys with home but how could I not doing that? My DH's qualities were just everything I was looking for. Some NGs were not even close to what I want. I'd rather not to have any relationship if there are no intellectual and physical connections.

 

imissdow: I do exactly the same thing if the NG was doing something I don't like. I would start thinking "My DH never did that to me". I cannot control myself not to have that kind of thoughts.

 

daysofelijah: I had a wonderful marriage. What I would think is that how come I need to choose someone again? How come my DH left me alone and making me have to pick someone again? I just hate that feeling.

[trying2breathe]

I'm 6 months into a relationship with NG and things are going well.  DH and I were not the perfect match - it's hard to admit it but NG and I have more of a connection than DH and I ever did.  So do I think of DH more now that I'm dating?  Sadly - no.

[JustLola]

I did have a couple horrible dreams near the beginning of dating NG, that LH came back and I had to choose if I would stay with NG or go back to LH.

 

I recently had my first crush on someone since my husband died - an unexpected romantic connection with an old friend. A couple of weeks later I had a dream that he and I were making out. I opened my eyes and he had turned into my LH! I kept staring at him and H finally said "Did it never occur to you that this could happen?", meaning my continued intimate relationship with him.

 

I seriously hope that moment doesn't happen in the real world when the time comes.

[Christopher]

Guideposts on the road.

 

I used my previous relationship, which was excellent until poverty did us in and she died as a direct result, as signposts for my dating attempts. I see red flags a lot faster and more clearly now. I had the advantage of marrying my best friend. We were both virgins over 20 (we told a lot of people no over the years).

 

Occasionally I find myself crying again in the bedroom because my bed is empty and I need someone to lay her head on my shoulder and her leg over my leg so I can sleep. I sleep on the couch quite often now so I can avoid that feeling. This tells you what level of need I have that just doesn't ever fade. I'm 7 years in.

 

I find that while dating I am so present in the moment and giving respect to the person in front of me that I don't even think about my late wife at all until I have a moment of introspection. That is, unless a red flag pops up and I have to address it. In bad relationships that I just try to forge ahead in I found that I thought about my late beloved more and more to a point of not even wanting to continue the facade of the dating mess I had found myself in due to all the red flags, incompatibility, jealousy (over other living women) and control issues... so I just use it as a guidepost.