Dating and Kids

[JustLola]

I'm 16 months out and thinking about dating. I recently had a couple of unexpectedly romantic evenings with an old friend. Dating wasn't on my radar before then but he stirred feelings that have been dormant awhile. While developing a relationship with him would be my ideal - there's already a built-in trust and comfort level - he lives a million miles away and travels constantly.

 

My question for those of you who are dating with children: when and how did you tell your kids? Did you wait until you were actually seeing someone, or when you first made the decision? Was it a discussion or more a statement of fact? How did they react?

 

Mine are teenagers which makes the conversation both easier and harder. We've joked about it - apparently my son thinks I'll have a 30 year old boyfriend called Francisco - but not sure how they'll take it when it happens for real.

 

[First Widow]

My kids are 19 and 21 and when I started dating earlier this year, I didn't say anything right away because I was really just testing the waters to see if I was ready.  I didn't want to stir them up if it was something I was going to quickly put back on the shelf, but I found I was ready and I needed to tell them before someone else saw us out and asked them about it.

 

My 19 y/o son took it matter of factly, but he was the one who told me he would support me dating again the night my LH died.  My 21 y/o daughter was studying abroad at the time she took it less gracefully #understatement but has come around is really supportive now.  Last night she started asking questions about NG's daughters referring to them as her stepsisters. LOL

[Guest TooSoon]

My relationship was long distance for nearly three years.  This allowed me to introduce the "idea" of Andy to my then 7 year old incrementally so that by the time she actually met him after our being together for nearly nine months, she felt - I think - like she already knew him.  This worked well for us. 

 

One thing I did not do was lie or sneak around.  Even though she was little, I was open and honest about what was going on, always asking her if she wanted to meet him or talk to him or see pictures of his cats on Facebook (she chose the latter for a long time).  If she asked me a question, I answered her honestly.  I did what I wanted to do, of course, but I tried to make she she did not feel like she was getting shunted off or in some way replaced (a genuine concern I had because the two of us became pretty tight during my husband's illness and especially after his death). 

 

Good luck and enjoy it! 

[Julester3]

My girls are 13 and 17. We are honest and blunt in our home. When I told them I wanted to try dating, the girls were supportive and understood my need for companionship. They only asked that I don't bring anyone to our house since it is our sanctuary and also they did not want to meet any of these guys unless it's one I was serious about. That has not happened yet. They did like hearing after date stories or about my adventure attempting to date. They totally had advantages when I got annoyed like the time a guy ticked me off so we got ice cream for dinner.

[daysofelijah]

I didn't really discuss it with my kids, they are younger too though. It was more or less just a fact. NG has been around them since day 1 pretty much. I never felt the need to hide him from them or hide the fact I was dating.

 

It had been 2+ years since DH passed, so it was time. There was some resentment from my oldest at first, but now he loves having NG around for the most part.

[Portside]

 

My question for those of you who are dating with children: when and how did you tell your kids? Did you wait until you were actually seeing someone, or when you first made the decision? Was it a discussion or more a statement of fact? How did they react?

 

 

My youngest kids were 9 and 10 at the time (I also had two older sons that were out of the house). At first, I simply told them I was going out to met a friend. A lady friend if one of them asked specifically. That was when I first started dating. It was not a discussion at all, I just told them what I was doing. Neither of them really seemed to care much at all. The first time, I told them a few hours before I went out - they asked if they could have pizza for supper. As I said, they weren't very interested.

 

After my now wife and I decided to date exclusively, I introduced her to them and I met her children. Up until that point, none of the women I went out with were introduced to my boys - and I didn't meet the children of the other women I went out with either.  I just didn't seem like a good idea. 

 

Good luck!  Mike

[Bear Tomás]

I waited til my youngest was 18 to date, about six years.

[Mrs Reader]

I am dating someone now, I am 14 months out. It has been going on for two months and I haven't told my kids (9 and 16). I am starting to wonder about it too, when to proceed with this. Part of me wants to see him more often, but that is difficult as I can't invite him over. I don't really feel ready to introduce him to my kids.

Also part of me feels quite strongly about him, and other part just keeps doubting. It is very exhausting somehow, not knowing what I really want.

We are dating exclusively, he is very sweet and talks about his feelings for me, and there I am just staring at him not knowing what to say.

It is like I just can't let myself feel the feelings that I am actually already feeling. This doesn't make any sense to me, maybe it does to you guys?

[Julester3]

It's uncertainty on how to feel,  Mrs Reader. I also tend to think it's an internal defense mechanism. Many of us don't want feel pain of any emotional kind after what we have experienced so it's hard to get passed that barrier. If you can get over that wall, you might later feel inclined to talk to your kids about it.

 

I am glad for you though and that it sounds like a good experience for you.

[Bunny]

Yup, makes perfect sense to me. I'm such a contradiction now- more open to expressing myself, and also much quicker to put up walls to shut people out. I was seriously opposed to falling in love again, even as it was happening. My philosophy was that he was just gonna die on me so what's the point. But man, it sure felt good to feel good again. I was very open about my reluctance to be in a relationship, even as I started 'playing house' with him. It was weird. Not like when I was single before.

[JustLola]

The feelings for my friend hit me out of the blue. Again, at this point we're still just friends but it was nice to know I COULD feel something again. And it was amazing to feel desired and cared for after so long caring for my husband during his illness.

 

I told my son (17) tonight that I'm thinking about dating again. We've been on a college road trip all week and I figured it was the perfect time as we've been bonding and having an experience together. He said it would be weird to see me with another man and that, no matter who it is, he won't like him. I said "I'd like you to at least give whoever-it-is a chance," and he replied "Nope." He wasn't angry or snotty about it, just truthful. I can live with that.

 

Now to talk to my daughter...

[klim]

All of this thread makes so much sense..iincluding the conflicting feelings. the yes and the no at the same time.

 

With regard to the original post my sons were 16 and 18 when I first stared dating. My progress into dating  was that I first got involved in some group activities through meetups. Me going out at all at night was a change in routine for me and my guys ,in marriage I had been a homebody or out on family activities. After going to a number of group activities,one of the guys in the group asked me out on a date. I didn't tell my sons at the point ( it was only 8 months in). I would tell them I was going to one of the meetups.

After a couple of months when I was feeling comfortable with dating, I told my boys that one of the guys had asked me out. Older one basically said "that's cool, it's only natural, enjoy". Younger one said "that's fine just leave me out of it." So JUSTLOLA I would say a similar response to your son's response.

 

That was 4 years ago. I dated that guy on and off for 3 years and my son was fine with it as long as I left him out of it. After a year solo I am now dating again. My boys seem to have the same reactions this time round.

 

Now if i can only figure out what I really want in life.

[Mrs Reader]

You are all so right, I knew you'd get it.

It is almost impossible to pay attention to all the things at the same time... my needs, my kids needs, his feelings, and my own totally bat shit crazy mixed feelings.

And then the fact that I really am a single parent and it is not so easy to make excuses and sneak out the door to meet my guy.

 

Funnily, my kids have all this time talked about my possible future dating in a very positive manner. Somehow they seem to imagine it as an interesting addition to our family  : But I guess it is easy for them as long as it doesn't actually happen.

Oh why is this so difficult! The whole last year was difficult enough, and now when I am feeling better and even happy, I am more confused than ever  :-[