One month...

[Kealoha]

One month ago my incredible husband and father to our 1 year old daughter was killed in a car accident. 

 

I have been so busy in the last weeks with arrangements, preparing to move, etc that I am wondering if I am doing both myself and our DD a huge disservice by overlooking something or not making enough time to just be still.  I do tend to process by doing things, and am trying to be really conscious of not overdoing it.

 

DD "talks" to our pictures of him and clearly misses him.  I am so heartbroken about losing the man who was perfect for me and so much better than I could've imagined...  And also grieving our future and all the plans we had.

 

I read on ywbb a little before it was shut down and am very appreciative for all who shared their stories.  It helps to feel less alone.

 

For those with young kids who were very little at the time, any advice to help her know her dad as she grows up?  Things you found useful or wish you had done in hindsight?

 

We say goodnight to pictures every night, and I will be keeping all his stuff until I have time to go through it, so was thinking about a memory quilt...  Also we are fortunate to have good friends who will tell her stories about her dad when she gets older.  Would be grateful for any insights you have.

[BentNOTbroken]

I am in a similar position by daughter never really got to know her mommy since she passed away only three days after birth. I hold E up to mommies picture every morning and say good morning and then give her two kisses, one from mommy and one from daddy. I am not sure how we are going to deal with this as we grow up. But, you are not alone and if you get any good ideas let me know. God's grace and blessing to you. (We are only seven months out)

[Kealoha]

Thanks BentNOTbroken.

 

I found a thread with kids book suggestions on ywbb and have saved some of the titles for future reference; they are mainly for the 4+ age group though and so I was going to do a little more digging later to see which (if any) could be used at an earlier age.  I'm not really sure how to deal with it either.

 

It is terrible that we are in this club but I appreciate the support.  I wish you well on this journey too.  Can't have too many people to lean on.

 

Seven months is a great age, and there is so much good stuff to come.  Hang in there.  I am sure you are doing a great job raising her.

[calimom]

Dear Kealoha:

 

I am so sorry for your and your daughter's loss, and glad you found your way here. 

 

My husband died in a car crash when our youngest daughter was just over a year old.  She's now 8 and doing well.  There's no doubt the loss of her father is the pivotal story of her life.  Her daddy is still a big force in her life, yet she has no actual memory.  That comes from stories her older siblings tell, that I share, from pictures she sees.  Nowhere near the same as being here, but the best we can do. 

 

Don't worry about being too busy now with all the details you are currently facing.  We moved early on, and I can only say the grieving and accepting the new reality catches up.  Wishing you all the best as you find your way in this surreal world.  Feel free to PM me any time, I wish you and your baby the best.

[Kealoha]

Calimom, thank you.  I am sorry for your loss too...  It gives me much hope to hear that your husband is still a great presence in your family, even for your youngest.  I will definitely take you up on the PM offer, very much appreciate it.  I am pretty inarticulate right now as everything is so jumbled, but somehow in all of this you were able to tell me what I needed to hear.  Thank you.

[batmanswidow]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I was pregnant when my husband was in a fatal car accident  a little over a year ago and one of the most painful parts of this journey has been knowing my son will never truly know his father.  He is only 13 months old now, but one thing I did early on was to ask some of my husbands family and friends to share memories of him in a few journals.  I hope as he grows everyone will share memories but liked the idea that my son could curl up in his room and read stories on his own if he wanted to.  I typically like to grieve and reflect in private and wanted him to have the option to find out who his dad was whenever he wanted without having to ask.

 

I agree with Calimom, don't worry about being too busy now but the grief will catch up so be gentle with yourself when it does.  Feel free to PM me as well if you need anything or just want to talk about raising young babies as a solo working parent.  Big hugs to you and DD.

[Kealoha]

Thank you batmanswidow, I love that idea.  I've asked close friends and family to write letters to DD and also we had people leave notes with memories at the celebration of life, but I never thought of having it be an ongoing journal.  Thank you.

 

I did start a little notebook with all the special daddy-daughter moments and routines they shared, but it also makes me sad that there was so little time.  I think I will use that as my journal for her (as opposed to the one where I write letters to DH for myself).

 

I am sorry for your loss too, the first year is not easy and you deserve a huge award for everything.  Actually I think everyone on here deserves an award just for making t through.  Big hugs to you and DS too.  I will definitely need advice on the solo parenting and working thing.

[Ursula]

Hi,

I am sorry  for your loss. It is so hard with (small) children.

Our boy was short of turning two when A died in an accident. Our son remembers his dad, things he did and liked. He is very present in our lives because I put up pictures and we say goodnight to papa every night too. We talk about him. I do want his papa to be present in our lives even if he is not physically.

I have an idea of making a papa-scrap book where I try and patch together his dad's history , how we met , when he was born, and put pictures with them together so he has something personal to keep. There are some videos I have and online of his papa, because he was a musician, so at least he can watch him later on in life...

I get angry when people tell me that oh, these little children won't remember  parents when they died when they are so young. I am sorry, but I see how he misses his dad and I know he will suffer not having him alive all his life. And it hurts. A lost his father when he was young and he missed him too. Always has.

I hate life for doing that to our son. It is so cruel. But I try to keep him alive for both of us. We need that. There are the very painful moments when he throws himself on the floor and cries for his papa. Has happened twice so far. so nobody tell me they don't miss their parents. Our son is three now, and he is very grounded otherwise. I try to be stable for him, which I don't always manage, but most of the time I do. I know that the most important in our son's life is that I am there for him and have all the love I have in my heart for him, which I do and therefore I know we can do it. Good luck to you.  I am here if you want to talk more.

 

[Kealoha]

oh Ursula.  so sorry we are all in this...  thank you for the offer to talk and also for the great ideas.

 

DH was a great musician too and there is a lot of video/audio that I want to save.  i haven't been able to listen to any of it yet though-- so painful to think about.

 

I am really dreading the time when I will have to explain why she does not have a dad here... I am so sorry that you have to watch your son suffer.  that is the worst, knowing that you can't take the hurt away from them.

 

You sound like a fantastic mother and kudos to you for keeping it all going.  It's something I can aspire to...  your son is lucky to have you.  hugs and thank you again.

[Captains wife]

My son was 9 months old when my husband died suddenly. I have struggled with how to handle this as my son is growing up. He is nearly 4 years old now and he has no memory of his dad and doesn't understand really what happened and how his life is "different" from other kids. He sees Dads on the playground and tries to play with them and certainly gravitates to male friends of the family so I know he misses having a dad. My husband was the primary caregiver so was with our son all day - sigh....sigh...

 

What I have tried to do is keep showing him pictures and video of his Dad and he does know who is he. We have told him his Daddy is in heaven and watching over him and keeping him safe (Im not religious but I honestly don't know how to handle this). I occasionally tell him stories about his Dad. We have put a trunk of stuff together of his Dad's and my friend started a memory book. When he is older we will sit down and discuss this more.

 

I am also very fortunate that my son is very close to my inlaws, particularly my MIL and BIL. He sees them almost every week and spends a lot of time with them on special occasions. They hang out in the house where my DH grew up and I know my MIL talks about his Dad to him. 

[Kealoha]

Captainswife, thank you.  I really don't know what to tell DD right now, or even if I should, and it helps to know what you have done.  She understands quite a bit and is great about communicating (very basic sign language for please, food, etc and some words) but this concept is way too complex.  I am sorry you struggle with this too.

 

The weird thing is I find myself sometimes more worried about how she will take it as a teen, more than as a little girl.  Ie, "you should've told me earlier/later/differently..." And then resenting me for how I did or didn't handle it.  I know that is blowing things out of proportion but it is also hard for me to rein my anxiety in.  DH was always so good at grounding me.  I am a practical person but also get "analysis paralysis" easily.  Sorry for the digression.

 

It is really great that your son is so close to your inlaws.  We are geographically close too and so I want to make it a very regular thing for DD to see her other grandparents too.  They are very nice people and have so much to tell her and us about DH.  It is early days so sometimes seeing them is hard for me but it is not them, just these circumstances.  Sigh.