momtokam Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My husband was killed in a work accident, public and on the news, 2 1/2 years ago. Today there was a different industry work accident where 2 men died. All over the news, showing the scene, grieving coworkers, aerial shots etc. It triggered all my horrible feeling of that day with similar images. Why do the news have to show so much? In our case they even showed the tarp he was under. Tonight at my younger daughter's soccer another mom started up a conversation with me. Thought she knew me from playing soccer with her, no. Asked if my husband played, I just said no. She kept asking questions and I talked about all the juggling with all 3 kids playing. She asked if my husband watches them play. I gave in and told her. She kept asking questions, was he ill etc. I told her he was killed at work and she kept asking if the kids were OK. She told me her mom died when she was 11 and was tearing up. I've never even met her before. She was nice and well meaning I guess but I just didn't want to get into it. Then my older daughter's old coach was there, he always gives me the I'm so sorry face, even when I greet him happily .....I hate that look people give you..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Oh Momtokam, how did you restrain yourself. You must have just wanted to give her a blast of your mind. People can be so self absorbed and stupid. I met an Anglican minister in the hardware store yesterday and she blabbed on how she got angry with God 50 yrs ago at 11 yrs old for taking her cousin. WTF really, are you going there. As my brain started to close down she could see she lost me. Sometimes people just need to STFU! Hugs to you and keep your patience with dumb people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Thanks BrokenHeart2. I had a magazine and was trying to look like I wanted to read it but she kept talking......sigh She was nice but I just was not in the mood to talk about it and she wasn't getting the hint. I can believe the minister talked about 50 years ago. ...sheesh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 It's so frustrating when people like soccer mom can't read the signals that it's not the time or place for such a discussion, well meaning or not it was more about her than you. I'm so sorry that you had to see the news coverage of a work accident that brought back such tough memories, I can't imagine how tough it was to see those images on TV. I think of that when ever there is a tragic story that is excessively covered on the news, somewhere there is a family who is suffering and the news exploits it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Big hugs to you momtokam. The wonderful media. My friend lost her husband in a work accident 10 months ago and I do understand what families go through with this. As far as the soccer mom I think we all have run across these kinds of people and I still don't know how to handle them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mangomom Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 As far as the soccer mom I think we all have run across these kinds of people and I still don't know how to handle them. Why is it so hard for us to just tell people "I really don't want to discuss it."? I find myself giving more details than I really should because once the gate is open, its hard to close it. On the few occasions that I encountered someone emotionally intrusive, shutting them down is kind of satisfying, because you can see the frustration on their face when they are not given access to your private thoughts. Soccer Mom is more than likely an "emotional bully" without even realizing it. She certainly doesn't mean to cause you pain, but just wants all the juicy details. And it sounds like she uses those details to quantify your grief compared to hers. I could be completely over reading your soccer mom, but that is generally the case with the ones I run into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanGenie Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm with all of you... some people just can't take the hint or read body language that says "don't really want to talk about it". And those who try to relate by telling us how they lost their cousin or their grandparent or friend... I'm sorry they lost someone they cared about but until you lose your spouse/partner, you just don't get it (I didn't) and it doesn't compare. But there are those people who always try to "one up" the conversation. At the same time, I am surprised when I blurt out to total strangers in response to some innocuous question (like the poor guy at the service station or the pest control guy who came to the house) that my husband died!! That's why I'm thankful for all my "wid" friends--you all 'get it'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Thanks all. I don't usually like to blurt it out, but last week when we came back from our trip, the customs agent asked if I was related to my kids. I said yes. Then he asked where their father was. I almost said "He's Dead!" but because the kids were there, I looked him straight in the eye and said was deceased. ...He said "Oh." I knew this was a possibility but we have travelled a lot since and this was the first time anyone asked. You'd think they would ask when you are leaving the country in fear of kidnapping, not when you are coming home. Who steals their kids to come home? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Who steals their kids to come home? No one. The the customs/immigration guys ask when you come in country to look for evidence of sex trafficking. It's a bigger problem than one might imagine. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Who steals their kids to come home? No one. The the customs/immigration guys ask when you come in country to look for evidence of sex trafficking. It's a bigger problem than one might imagine. Mike Never thought of that Mike.......Scary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 last week when we came back from our trip, the customs agent asked if I was related to my kids. I said yes. Then he asked where their father was. I almost said "He's Dead!" but because the kids were there, I looked him straight in the eye and said was deceased. ...He said "Oh." I knew this was a possibility but we have travelled a lot since and this was the first time anyone asked. You'd think they would ask when you are leaving the country in fear of kidnapping, not when you are coming home. Who steals their kids to come home? I hear you MTK, I was questioned by Canadian customs on returning from a trip to the U.S. but not by U.S. customs on my way out. I am going to have to carry DH's death certificate with me on every trip until our child is no longer a minor. They also asked for my marriage certificate. Just one. more. thing. although if I recall correctly even when he was alive when travelling separately out of the country with our child I had to have a signed letter from DH, as we all do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Its times like that where I too find myself over-sharing once it's ever out. I think it's because of the way Chad died. It was sudden and seeped in drama and if you don't give ALL the details, he doesn't come out looking too good in the story. Why other people feel the need to know the cause of death I'll never understand. One day I'm going to say he died in his sleep and leave it at that. It would be the smart thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursula Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Some people are just insensitive gits. I have thought about the customs and should one ever ask me this question, I think , if I manage to breathe in and out first I will then proceed to suggest he has a look at my episiotomy scar as a proof. That should shut them up. (My mum tried it and it worked eons ago...) just a thought... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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