Well they said it would get worse, and they were right

[deedee]

In my last post, I mentioned that people told me things might get worse, and I'm sorry to say they were right.  I didn't think it was possible.  But it's been four weeks and one day since my husband died and for the past two days, I think I have cried nearly every waking moment.  It's a sadness so intense I can barely breath.  I'm actually starting to think that my husband was the lucky one if that makes any sense.  His pain is over. We 're the ones that have to endure what seems like a lifetime of suffering now. It's like my life died with him and this new life seems so dark and depressing and unfair.

 

A friend emailed me today to tell me that she was out with some of our friends last night, and they just love me and think of me so much.  How bad is it that I thought, "oh well that's just so sweet of you all.  Getting back to your lives, going out and having fun, while my life is now worse than I ever could have imagined.  But at least you're all thinking of me (sarcasm)". 

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. 

[Justin]

deedee,

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so bad. I can remember the anguish of the early days, crying all of the time, seeming like there was no relief to be had. I felt the same way that you do - that my wife was the one who had it easier, and all of us left had to suffer. I was at about 3 months out before I could have enough perspective to see that I was making progress. I could look back and see the ebb and flow of grief in my life since my wife died, but I could finally see that things were getting easier, overall.

 

Hang on, and ride out those waves of grief. I took much comfort in reading about those that had done this terrible journey before me. You can do this.

 

[Jess]

I also felt my husband had it easier because he left me to figure out how to make it through life with the crushing weight of emptiness weighing down every step I meagerly attempted to take. I felt indifferent to my own existence, not in a I wish I would die sort of way but more that I wouldn't really care if a meteor fell from the sky onto my house sort of way. These feelings do become less intensely felt as time goes by. Things start to become possible again and bit by bit, things start to matter again. This part of the journey you are in the middle of is so tough, but you can ride it out. When the next batch of crap happens, you will have the experience of remembering that you have weathered a storm before and can do it again.

 

The important thing right now is make whatever attempts you can to take care of yourself. That means drinking water, trying to eat, doing your best to get sleep when you can get it. I am wishing you much peace and comfort.

[swilson]

{hugs} deedee. I think it is helpful to talk about your grief here because those of us who have also lost loved ones truly understand what you are going through. I felt like an alien in my own town after DW died, like there was no way anybody could know what I was feeling or no way they could know the depth of my pain. So it seemed futile to talk about it because words couldn't begin to express the pain. I remember friends and even some family got on with their day to day lives, seemingly oblivious to what happened. It's not that people don't care I think it's because each person's response to death is different. Sending thoughts of comfort and peace your way <><.

 

[lcoxwell]

I am so sorry, deedee.  I know that this is so very hard, and I am also in that camp of people, who thought at one point in time, that my Kenneth was the lucky one.  He had suffered for so long, and he was finally out of pain, but I was in torture.  Those waves of grief will eventually ease up, a bit, I promise.  In the meantime, just remember to keep taking care of yourself, the best you can, and take one minute at a time, if that is all y can manage.  ((((Hugs))))

[Kealoha]

Hi Deedee, i'm also a month out from my husband's accident and on that same emotional rollercoaster.  Big hugs to you.

 

One of dh's friends came by the house about 5 days after and told me that he was completely numb the first couple days but now was finally able to sleep and get back into the real world.  I had no energy to even tell him how he should go back and share that with his wife and not me. So, you never can tell what will come out of people's mouths.  You are allowed to react however you want, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.  Whatever helps me through the next minute or hour or day.

 

If you need an ear I am here.

[Bluemoon15]

I really appreciated the opportunity to read all of your responses.  It helps.  I am three months out on Friday, the 3rd, Good Friday.  Sometimes I feel I am at the precipice of healing, but most of the time I feel scared to death.  I am less scared of him being gone than I am of grieving, however.  The depth of my grieving was making me sick.  I feel him with me, but it's not the same.  Although in some ways, it is more powerful.  Most of all, I miss my best friend of 38 years; we just celebrated 27 years of marriage a week before he died.  He'd been sick a long time, eight years, but I never saw it coming.  I couldn't or wouldn't, I'm not sure which.  Maybe both.

 

Thanks for listening.

[swilson]

Bluemoon15, I also love it here where no one tells me to get over it, gives unhelpful advice, or offers their insight about how I need to be fixed. I think if healing from this was easy, I would have done it by now. I just want the pain to end but am not convinced it will happen soon. As many say and I believe, get some rest and cut yourself some slack while you slowly adapt to your new reality.

 

[Wheelerswife]

It is sometimes so unimaginable that they are gone.  Circumstances are different for each death, too.  My first husband died after a protracted decline and his death was not unexpected, but still sudden.  I once said on YWBB that I was prepared for my husband to die, but not prepared for him to be dead.  I had really deep sadness after he died, but reached a point of wanting to think about the future sooner than a lot of people seem to be able to do that.  I met a wonderful widower, eventually married and planned to live that future I'd always wanted with him.  Then, just a few short years after we met, he died unexpectedly.  This was 14 1/2 months ago.  I was completely crushed.  I already knew what it was like to lose a spouse, but you know, this was entirely different.  I didn't have to ask many questions about such things as funerals.  I already knew that there might be family drama.  I was aware that my friends might disappear.  But the inner experience of loss was very different.  In many ways it was harder.  It still is harder.  I already had a ready-made widow support system.  I didn't need to find YWBB or this board, because I already had it.  But still, it is harder.  But I know I am going to get through this.  As devastated as I feel on some days, I know that there will be better days, sometimes punctuated by days or strings of days that are very low.  But I trust, from my own experience and that of many others that I know, that I will survive this hell.  I don't know what that future looks like.  I didn't know what my life after losing my first husband would look like.  Right now, I'm in the phase of living day-by-day, letting time do some of it's job, trying to focus on school work so that I can have a different future.  After my first husband died, I continued to go to work, doing much the same...bringing home a paycheck, letting time pass until I figured out what might come next.

 

The point of all of this?  I guess it is just that sometimes we just live one day at a time, dealing with what faces us in the moment, and at some point, we come to the realization that we have survived the hell and our lives continue and we make changes as we are able...and we learn to live in spite of the sadness. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Bluemoon15]

Bluemoon15, I also love it here where no one tells me to get over it, gives unhelpful advice, or offers their insight about how I need to be fixed. I think if healing from this was easy, I would have done it by now. I just want the pain to end but am not convinced it will happen soon. As many say and I believe, get some rest and cut yourself some slack while you slowly adapt to your new reality.

 

Thank you, Swilson.  I am in a position where it is very hard to cut myself some slack.  My mother is 87 and I'm all she's got.  She is still living independently, but in the past year she has needed more help.  As her POA, I've been handling all her paperwork in addition to managing her medical care.  I'm also scrambling to establish myself as a freelance writer.  I published my first book back in 2013, but I haven't made much money from it.  My husband's disability was our sole source of support and mine is pending, so I have no income right now.  He didn't have life insurance; he finally agreed to take out a policy and then passed the day after he received his monthly check.  As a result, I haven't had much time to grieve and my health issues are such that after a month of walking about like the living dead, I simply had to stop crying.  Now, it's just all stuffed in there somewhere as I soldier on.  So, it's a challenge to take care of me, but I hear you and I thank you.

 

Hugs!

[Bluemoon15]

Circumstances are different for each death, too.  My first husband died after a protracted decline and his death was not unexpected, but still sudden.  I once said on YWBB that I was prepared for my husband to die, but not prepared for him to be dead.  I had really deep sadness after he died, but reached a point of wanting to think about the future sooner than a lot of people seem to be able to do that. 

 

As devastated as I feel on some days, I know that there will be better days, sometimes punctuated by days or strings of days that are very low.  But I trust, from my own experience and that of many others that I know, that I will survive this hell.  I don't know what that future looks like. 

 

Hi Wheelerswife,

 

Thank you for sharing such an insightful post.  The above really jumped out at me.  While I can't begin to know the depth of your pain by being widowed twice, I do feel as though I sometimes belong in the six to 12 month group, that I'm further out.  As I said to swilson, I haven't had much time to grieve, so after the first month, I began stuffing much of it somewhere inside. The day after he died, I held others as they cried.  Five days out, and I was taking my elderly mother out and helping her handle all of her personal business.  My 23-year-old son was so worried about me, asking me repeatedly day after day if I was alright.  Of course, I'm alright - I'm Mom - I have to be.  Oh, we grieved together and I wept openly for that first month or so, but it was killing him.  I am working on grieving in private, but I'm not doing well crying on command.

 

Yet, despite it all, like you, I know I will get through this.

 

Hugs!

[anniegirl]

Oh, Deedee, you are not bad at all. Your friends are just clueless (luckily so) and that won't get better either.

 

One thing I would caution you against, is giving too much credence to what "they say" about how you are going to feel. Everyone is different. There are things about widowhood that are common but we move along and feel according to our own personalities and situations.

 

It's nice to know that you are normal but your normal isn't mine or anyone else's.

 

Cry when you need to cry and take a break when you need to do that too.

 

And reach out when you can. Your friends don't know how to help you and it's okay to tell them what you need.

 

Four weeks is not a long time. It's more of an up and down interspersed with plateaus then a steady descent into hell.

 

It's going to get better and you will be okay.

[Ursula]

Dear deedee, I am sorry for your loss. It is early days for you. Be gentle with yourself, as Jess said above, look after yourself as good as you can.

I remember at around this time it really hits you that they are gone, like really gone forever and that in itself is an unbearable thought. I thought I could never live with this, knowing that , but we haven't really got a choice unless we kill ourselves and I made it over a year now. It does get different, easier maybe but it hurts always. This forum has saved me on so many nights, when I felt more lonely than ever and desperate and hopeless. There are wonderful and kind people here, funny people , sarcastic people, but they all  know what you are going through, even if we all go through this hell in our own individual ways it does help to know you are not alone.

On behalf of your friends, I have had a wide spectrum from enpathic and helpful to unthinkably brutal ,but I have come to realize that people cannot and don't want to deal with death and they don't understand what is going on inside of us. By sending you a message they probably thought they were supporting you even if you did not receive it like that. At least they wrote...some people just disappear. Some incredible things will be said. Be gentle with yourself and patient. This will ease a bit with time. Hugs to you and look after yourself.

[Carey]

I remember 4 weeks out when Chad died. He died thanksgiving week and four weeks out , of course was Christmas. And I remember doing everything I always had and "doing Christmas". It was because it was TOO big of a shock to process so I pushed it aside and didn't deal with it. Probably the worst thing I could have done. It does go in circles and some days are not so bad and then there are still days that I feel like he's the lucky one. This is a safe, good place to vent and let those emotions flow. Because few people will ever truly grasp this life ... I pray they don't. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. They can't even comprehend, because we can't either and it's our life.  I just wanted to know you're being heard and your feelings are 100% valid. Hugs to you today DeeDee.

[Lmsmdm]

((((((Deedee))))))) it is so hard in the beginning. Just be kind to yourself. Know that your friends mean well, and they hate seeing you hurt.

 

The first year looking back is a bit of a blur (July 1 I hit the 4 year mark). Part of me is miffed I don't remember it more clearly, while most of me is grateful. You are going to have horrible days in the future, however, and this is the big part you are also going to have moments, that turn into days where the sun will shine brightly and you will genuinely smile.

 

 

[Guest tableforone]

I remember wanting so desperately to know when I would feel better. Would I ever feel any better? When I was alone, I would sometimes make sounds that I can only liken to animal howls. They scared me so much.  My friends drove me insane. They were too clingy or ignoring me. I was a miserable mess of raw grieving. I am over seven years out now and I promise you that you will feel better. Really you will. I just wish I could tell you when. This is so so hard. Big hugs.

[Jen]

I remember wanting so desperately to know when I would feel better. Would I ever feel any better? When I was alone, I would sometimes make sounds that I can only liken to animal howls... I promise you that you will feel better. Really you will. I just wish I could tell you when. This is so so hard. Big hugs.

 

Honestly, I think this is all I want: someone to hug me and tell me it will get better someday. I still make those animal keening noises once in awhile-- not often, not like I used to, but occasionally it's the only was to bear the pain and terror that colors every hour of my life now. I could do this if I *knew* it was finite. That it would end, and I would wake up one day and find that I was free and happy again. I wish I could believe that. I wish... But that brings to mind a line from a song that runs through my head nearly every day:

 

Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart...

 

Sorry. Morose this afternoon. Tableforone, you did give me a tiny glimmer of hope there. But seven years-- ! Sometimes I don't think I can last 7 more months.

 

((((((Deedee))))))) Thinking of you, sweetie. I know I'm no help, but I'm here.