Need to vent

[CJF]

I was reading another thread that got me to thinking about my current situation and I need a place to lay it all out, so here goes.  I have been miserable.  I think I hide it well, although I am not even sure why I feel the need to hide it.  Maybe because I have a hard time being vulnerable.  It will be seven years here and I feel like I've already been through all the different feelings, emotions, ups, downs that I could possibly go through.  But yet lately I feel lost.  I work full time, help care for my elderly parents, take care of my house and my dog.  My daughter just got married and is out on her own.  My son is away at college.  That was an adjustment for me - to be living alone.  I miss the noise and the hustle and bustle of kids coming in and out of my house.  The few friends who stuck by me are busy with their own husbands and families so although we text often, we don't get together to do things and I get tired of always being the one to initiate the plans.  My life feels empty and I am not sure where to go from here.  I am consumed with worry - I nag my son too much.  I think sometimes my lack of a life makes me get too involved in his and I am not sure how to stop.  Not really interested in dating - probably because I won't let myself be vulnerable.  I think I am afraid to fail. My marriage wasn't ideal and I put up with alot and I don't want to get myself back into a situation like that again.  I wouldn't even know where to look if I did want to date.  I still read here often - sometimes even though I don't post alot, the familiar names make me feel like I am actually keeping up with friends, as odd as that may sound.  I often worry if I don't start living life soon, I am going to end up a very bitter person when I get older and regret all that I didn't do.  It's just hard to find people to do these things with.  I've thought about going back to therapy, but I don't know that that is the answer.  That won't fix the loneliness.  I wish there was a manual on how to "reinvent" one's life.  Sorry for the rambling, but I needed to get this all out.  Thanks for reading

[Trying]

CJF thanks for being vulnerable here.  Even though each of our stories are different there is often some common thread in there.  I still have some hustle and bustle at home and I have recently remarried but I still suffer from loneliness.  I lost most of my friends and the ones that are around I have kept at arms length.  I have definite moments of happiness but I struggle with depression.  I finally admitted I suffer with depression a few months ago and am now on medication.  It has helped some but I still have days like yesterday and today that I just can't shake it.

 

So I don't have any magic answers but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. I guess if we all had our shit completely together we wouldn't still be here.

[klim]

I don't have answers but I'll make suggestions on how to reinvent, maybe you'll see something you'll connect with and some of the lonliness will fade a little.

 

I myself used meetups to get out and meet a whole new crowd of people. That started my road to reinvention.

I've revisited some solo hobbies( for me it was painting) that made my nights at home alone seem more enriched.

From what others have mentioned here I always thought if this wasn't working for me I'd try some volunteering because it intrisically  that would make me feel good.

 

I also decided to venture into online dating. My thoughts on that is, as long as you enter into it saying I'll see what this is about, and not ok I'm ready to find my guy...where is he ....where is he and expect instant results , it can be an interesting endeavour.

 

Hope something allows you to shift your frame of mind. Good luck

[Needytoo]

I did the therapy, hobbies and found a few new friends.  I didn't have the greatest marriage as well and one of my biggest wishes was to find someone and have a special relationship.  I too also had that stage where it didn't matter what I did I had that lonely feeling.  I tried the online dating thing and really wasn't great at it. That TRUST thing I think was a huge problem for me.  I was about to have another long break from it all and a guy sent me a message.  I will admit he was different than the other guys and finally, we met and this time it has been fantastic.

 

Maybe I have reinvented myself hard to say, or I am just more comfortable with myself.  Maybe we need to grieve, get lonely, find our single selves and then when we are lonely we are ready for our new partners?  I know it is a big step, especially when our previous relationship wasn't ideal.  I also don't have really any good answers as well CJF, but I do know how you feel.  Keep posting, that is what I did when I felt the same way you do.

[CJF]

Trying -

I guess if we all had our shit completely together we wouldn't still be here.

So true!!  Never really thought about it that way but you are so right.  Makes me feel a little more "normal"!!

 

Klim - thanks for the suggestions.  I do look at the meetups in my area but haven't gone to any.  Maybe I need to push myself more as I am sure that is a good way to make some new friends.  My hobby has always been fixing up my house - painting rooms, redoing furniture, gardening.  But doing that for the past 6 1/2 years pretty much leaves me with nothing left to fix!! LOL.  Maybe it's time to move on to a new hobby.

 

Needytoo - I agree - I think the trust issue is what is mostly holding me back from dating. When I am ready maybe I'll just have to jump right in and see what happens.

 

Thank you all for the suggestions, advice and making me feel a little more normal!  LOL

 

 

[Julester3]

I joined meetup and found several interest groups. See if there are any in your area that interest you . You could be surprised and if anything it's something to say at least you tried. The hobbies keep me occupied when it's far to quiet for me. Good luck!

[Captains wife]

I had to start from the ground up when becoming a widow as I was in a new town and didn't know anyone and my family is thousands of miles away. I had to work hard to "re-invent" myself - I hope my suggestions are helpful.

 

1) I also joined a number of meet-ups in my area (try other towns too that you are ok commuting to). Admittedly some of these were a miss but I enjoyed my wine group in particular and met a very good friend through it.

 

2) I also sought out clubs related to my hobbies so joined an all female "learn to sail/race" night at the local yacht club (didn't need to be a member to join) - this is my biggest friendship circle in the area.

 

3) I volunteered for local groups in town (and developed some lovely friendships this way) - it also felt very worthwhile.

 

4) I joined the local gym - didn't form any close friendships but do have a number of acquaintances (and even met a neighbor there!) And I learned how to Zumba and do step plus dropped 30lbs !

 

5) Online dating - did LOTS of this but its a tough road and need a very good sense of patience and humour. But did end up dating some interesting men (and met a great guy I am dating now). And I met some great male friends - one, in particular, got me into ballroom dancing and that was a fun hobby for a while.

 

6) Forming friendships at work - I make the effort to arrange lunch or drinks out with certain people I have formed friendships with.

 

Please remember that it can be hit and miss and it may take a while to find what you are enjoying and people you want to spend more time with. But I am happy I put in the effort - when initially widowed, I felt so isolated but meeting all these different people and having these new experiences has really helped me move forward. Wishing you all the best,

 

 

[MikeR]

CJF,

 

Your post was stated just to be a rant and you didn't ask for advice, but that never stopped me

 

Maybe start with forming a picture of what your ideal life would be going forward (be realistic - you can't have him back). Then think about what is stopping you from moving toward that. Address each reason you come up with, one at a time. 

 

You mentioned being afraid to be vulnerable. Explore why that might be so. You've been through more of a difficult time than most people and came through it fine. You're strong - we know that. So why are you afraid? Only you can find the answer, and then deal with it.

 

Take it one step at a time. A therapist might help to get you started (I don't believe in long-term therapy but it can definitely help when you are not sure what to do).

 

Mike

[duckie]

the familiar names make me feel like I am actually keeping up with friends, as odd as that may sound. 

 

Hi CJF, duckie here!  I stop in here once in a while when I'm having a difficult time and need the situation to feel a bit more 'normal'.  Seeing your post and a familiar name from the early days is so comforting to me (misery definitely loves company!).  I'm still having a tough time too and dealing with some ptsd.  I still see a therapist and it is helping me a lot.  I had a really tough week at work with a colleague who got mad at me and threw my dead spouse in my face - this has become a pattern with older women I work with and it's so hard for me to deal with professionally when my personal life gets brought up to hurt me. I had to take thursday and friday off as I was having major flashbacks and now I'm worried my job is in jeopardy because I am emotionally unstable.  I know that the longer it's been, the more people think I should be over it and it's rarely taken seriously. 

 

I recently started seeing someone for the very first time (I had one practice fling about 4-years ago but there was nothing deeper to that at all).  This has brought up a lot of emotions too, especially having to share DH's bed.  I sleep on the opposite side I used to as I'm scared to wake up and think DH is beside me.  I don't speak to him about this stuff yet - and to be perfectly honest, it shocked the hell out of me when it first started.  I did not expect that at all.  It's been so long since I dated that I don't even know myself in this situation. 

 

Either way, all this to say hi.  And thanks for posting as it really does feel like catching up with old friends.  I think about you guys often and wonder where all the '7 year' people are and how they are doing.  I'm not great either - but at least I know that's normal now!     

[CJF]

Thanks all for the great suggestions and advice!!!  I am going to try making more of an effort and get involved in some of the things you all mentioned, including taking a good look at what has been holding me back.  Sometimes it's good to get other's perspectives to force you to take a good look at yourself and your own insecurities.