Rebuilding- Hard, Easy, Between? Tell Us!

[OSAAT]

It's been confusing. At first, it was so hard. I had never felt more alone or more ashamed in my whole life. The way he died was tragic and awful. I carried a lot of shame for a long time, and I was shamed and blamed for a variety of things after he died. I was a huge gaping wound, and salt was rubbed in that wound. Before he died, I could deal with my private life stuff at home and put on a fresh face for the world. After he died, I could not differentiate. I cried all the time everywhere I went. I had zero "control". It was awful. That lasted about 1.5-2 years. Then I went the opposite way for a while. I heard people talk of anger at a dead person and that anger is normal and healthy. I got so pissed at J. Then I questioned everything. Was any of it real? It was so weird. I know that I loved him more than I have loved most people. We were connected in a way that many others on the board speak of. Our relationship got messy with his alcoholism and my trying to save him, but we shared a deep love. That is really all I know.

[Mizpah]

I love this thread - good, bad and ugly. 

[Lola2009]

I was 29 when widowed with a young baby. My 30 year old husband died in a MC accident.  I'm 35 now and I'm 5.5 years into this crazy mess of grief and I feel that I am in a good place of healing now. It's been a long, messy and traumatic process . I was surfing for a while, just surviving raising a baby as a solo parent, dealing with insurance companies, police and lawsuits and finishing the renovations that we had started on our house so if I had to sell, at least I wouldn't be bankrupt, along with all the other issues we face and the anger, oh the anger. That was the first 2-3 years. I don't know if some of you can relate but once all the legal matters and everything was settled, I kind of felt lost. I was so focused on grieving and surviving that once the "storm" settled I didn't know what to do. I was sort of drifting trying to figure out where to go next.

The biggest thing I did was sell our home. It was so hard as it was his childhood home and he wanted to raise his son in the neighbourhood where he grew up. I felt obligated at first to honour those wishes but I had to sell it because even though I finished the renovations, my husband would never be home to see it, he would never be home to share his life with our son, and I just didn't want my son to grow up forever trying to live a life for his father, in the shadow of his father who he doesn't remember. That would be unfair to him and I also felt like I was living in the life that would never be.

I sold our house and moved to a neighbourhood I love, less financial burdens, and surrounded by young families (though that really, really stung at first) my son has many friends his age that are now at his school (he's in K now). It was like a billion pounds had been lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain why, but I was so weighed down by our house and everything it represented, the life that would never be, having to hold onto the childhood home for everyone else and the memories even though anyone connected to it never visited. It was like the house was an entity all on its own.

The move really launched me forward and when the dust settled I did look around by year 3 saying, "Now what??"

I've settled into my new path and now it's not so bleak. I've been thinking about dating, and have dated very casually and thought I was ready for a relationship, but I had lived my life for my husband since I was 17. He never asked or demanded me to, but everything I did was for him and to build a life and future with him, because I love him and I knew it would be forever and I was willing, so very willing even though I gave up some of my dreams to accommodate that. I was willing to sacrifice that for him. After all that he dies on me just as we finally started our family!

The rebuilding and even just acceptance of this "new" path has been slow and painful but now I feel I have a solid foundation again and I built it, with the help of his legacy and love, but it was me who got dirty and did it. I now live where I have dreamed, I run my days like I want, my son and I have a lovely little routine and have been running off my own gumption for 5 years now.

I don't know if I am willing to give that up. People look at me cross-eyed and say, "Why would you need too?" but I just fear that I would again, and have no desire to. If it were to ever happen, he may have to be willing to just fit into our lives, and I wouldn't have to sacrifice or have to build yet another life with someone. I think that is my fear. I just don't know if I could venture down yet another path. I'm not a very adventurous person!  Reading that I may sound selfish, so obviously not ready for a relationship, but perhaps just male companionship without the expectations. That would be what I may be looking for. That's where I am now, who knows what will be next?