MissingSquish Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Holidays always bring up a lot of anxiety for me, always have. Many of my worst memories of childhood centered around the holidays for many different reasons. As many of you know, my family and I do not have the best relationship, but Squish seemed to help smooth things over when he was alive. They are very demanding about me making it to every holiday, and the meals often last 4-5 hours. I can't leave my dog at home for a long time, and they do not like me bringing her to their house (which is over an hour away from where I live). They segregate her into one room and don't allow her to intermingle in any other place in the house (even if their dogs aren't home). They insisted that I come over their house for Christmas, and I had to bring the dog with me because of how long I would be gone. I let them know this ahead of time, and they filled the only room she's allowed to go in with plants and insisted she wasn't allowed in that room or inside at all. I didn't stay there long that day and regret that I even went. My mom spoke to me over a month ago about Easter, and she made reservations for a restaurant close to my house. Yesterday, she decided she didn't want to go to that particular restaurant, and changed the reservations to close by her house. I am the only one in my family with any sort of responsibility and limitations on how long I can be gone, and she never checked with me before changing the reservation. This morning, I stated that I would no longer be able to go because bringing my dog to their house was not an option. She denied what had happened with the dog at their house over Christmas, and said that room would be avalaible for the dog for Easter. I told her it wasn't conveient for me anymore, and that I didn't want to be railed on by her and my brother for not attending. I am still upset at the conversation from this morning with her. I am tired of not being respected by them, and I don't know how to change it except to completely cut them out of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Don't know if you're looking for advice or agreement...so I'll give both! Agreed on hating holidays...I really cannot stand the sense of obligation and expectations that come with them... Advice...since it's at a restaraunt hopefully they cannot drag it out the usual length...round trip drive 2.5 hours...stay for 1 hour and then excuse yourself since Dog cannot be left alone much longer than that...or do not go at all, order yummy carryout and have a "you" day (this of course will come with consequences as you know so be prepared!) I don't know how you change it either, other than to change the way you look at it because I get the feeling you will not get the respect from them you are hoping for....sorry you are going through this MS...it is yet another reminder of how our DH's played such a role... Whatever you choose I'm sending support! ((((HUGS))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Munsen Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Understood. I have found holidays much more manageable by keeping them to me and my grown kids. I've eliminated the stressful (even when hubby was alive!) Christmas dinner with the in-laws or my family members. I have been called a 'b**tch' for no longer attending the in-law 1 day a year get-together and my extended family seemed to stop caring when I stopped caring. You have to do what works for you. Your mother is playing a manipulation game by booking a place near year to ensure your agreement to attend. She then changed the venue to be closer to herself thinking that you would feel obligated to go anyway. Its baloney and you know it. My mother used to be the queen of bait and switch and loved being the aggressor yet somehow, when you stood up to it, you became the 'meanie'. Its tough being the adult especially when we are hurt and broken but you must stand up for yourself since no one else is there being our support anymore. If you decide to be the bigger person, then be sure to set boundaries and do it in a way that works for you. Limit the time there, etc and be willing to turn around and walk out if the conditions for your dog, etc are broken when you arrive at the next family get-together. Show them that you are not their puppet. And, if they cannot be trusted there is nothing wrong with telling them that you do not find them to be safe people to be around. Again, I'm sorry that you are being forced to be strong when all that is within you is overwhelmed and exhausted. (((Hugs)))) and I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the advice and support. I do feel like I'm constantly being baited and switched with her. I spoke to my mom, and she was backpedaling about my dog being able to stay at her house during brunch. She was making excuses again about her stupid plants but said that she'd move them. I said I'd stop by and try to attend, but I'm fairly sure that it's going to be a waste of my time and that I'll have to turn around. I am so torn still. I hate the backlash, but I also hate being alone when there aren't many places open for the holiday to eat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calimom Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Understood. I have found holidays much more manageable by keeping them to me and my grown kids. I've eliminated the stressful (even when hubby was alive!) Christmas dinner with the in-laws or my family members. I have been called a 'b**tch' for no longer attending the in-law 1 day a year get-together and my extended family seemed to stop caring when I stopped caring. You have to do what works for you. Your mother is playing a manipulation game by booking a place near year to ensure your agreement to attend. She then changed the venue to be closer to herself thinking that you would feel obligated to go anyway. Its baloney and you know it. My mother used to be the queen of bait and switch and loved being the aggressor yet somehow, when you stood up to it, you became the 'meanie'. Its tough being the adult especially when we are hurt and broken but you must stand up for yourself since no one else is there being our support anymore. If you decide to be the bigger person, then be sure to set boundaries and do it in a way that works for you. Limit the time there, etc and be willing to turn around and walk out if the conditions for your dog, etc are broken when you arrive at the next family get-together. Show them that you are not their puppet. And, if they cannot be trusted there is nothing wrong with telling them that you do not find them to be safe people to be around. Again, I'm sorry that you are being forced to be strong when all that is within you is overwhelmed and exhausted. (((Hugs)))) and I wish you well, wh atever you decide to do. <3 Missingsquish:Is your mother not doing what Munsen is doing? Gathering her grown children about her for a religious/secular holiday? Guilt aside, she just wants a nice day, so sue her. Maybe your mom is a big DGI, maybe she's a bitch, but would it kill ya to play along for a day? After all, you're throwing out an item a day on another thread, so why not throw your mom a bone on Easter. Play nice, be a good girl, OK? Sometimes we need to be the adult in these situations. Don't let this get the best of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Missingsquish, It is your mother. I wish my mother was still alive so I could hear her telling me how to live my life again. Go. Marian I hear adults here talking all the time about surviving or trudging through another holiday with their parents. Unless your parents were off the wall abusive I think, since we do owe them our very being- spend a day with them. After all, they actually gave us life and we would never have met any of our beloved spouses, would we have? Siblings are another matter- I have 5 living- but not your Mum and Dad. Again, if they were abusive, that is a different matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Easter is just another Sunday...a day for writing papers - if you are a student like me. Sometimes there is an advantage to living 1600 or so miles from the nearest family member. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catnip Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 It sounds like you are making a decision between your dog and your mother. This is the Easter/Passover hoilday. One of the first of the 10 Commandments is honor your Father and Mother. Can you make arrangements for the dog? Can you board the dog in a kennel for the weekend? Can't afford one? How about buying a crate. Tell your Mom you are coming with the dog but will crate the dog so it will not disrupt her house. Then you are getting to see your family, and the dog will be fine in a crate while you are at dinner. You may find that you will get more use out of the crate in that your family may invite you more often. I, too, don't have parents anymore. Your Mom may not be alive next Easter. Don't have regrets. Hope you can enjoy time with your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Thank you all for your perspective. I have spoken to her and am planning on going tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I find some of these comments rather harsh. From previous posts I've gathered that MS's family has been less than supportive. We're talking about adults here; why can't her family agree to do some holidays closer to her if togetherness is so important? What about meeting her halfway. Parents should be respected, but respect is a two way street. Passive aggression is not playing fair, and it sounds like that's what your mom was doing by going back on the original plan. I was very close with my father, but I don't begrudge anyone who has a toxic relationship with theirs choosing to protect themselves from that toxicity. That has nothing to do with my relationship with mine, we all have very different relationships with our parents that need to be considered differently. And this is not just a dog. This is your family. If a mom can't understand what a dog means to someone who lost her husband and was never able to have human children with him, I find that a little fucked up. Are there instances where I would put my dogs before my mom? Absolutely. For one thing, my dogs don't find my grief inconvenient. They've never screamed at me for having a meltdown over my husband's death. They snuggle me, look at me with eyes that say they get it. They don't judge me, they just let me be me, even if I'm very different than I was before. But first and foremost, I've made a commitment to care for two beings that cannot care for themselves, whereas my mother is a grown adult who can drive and go to the bathroom on her own. Don't let her make you feel guilty for honoring the commitment you've made to your fur baby. Or for protecting yourself. I get that sometimes that means dealing with them instead of the backlash. But I really hope you're considering your best interest in this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted April 5, 2015 Author Share Posted April 5, 2015 I went today with my dog to her house. It was ok, and the accommodations were in place for my dog. MrsDan is correct; my dog is all I have left of my husband and our life together. I have no children and my family hasn't been very supportive of me since he died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 that was really good of you to go. I know what you mean- I was widowed when I had just turned 53, after more than 33 years together- no kids. Our Siamese saved me after he died. My liitl booboos just turned ten. Peter bought him for my for my birthday and Christmas the year before he died. I really hit me hard when he turned ten- March 30- and that Peter wasn't here to see that. And us, I guess. That is what it really is about for me- when the three of us were the "us" that meant everthing to me. take care Marian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 MS-Glad to hear it was ok...you went...now there will be no fallout and you can spend the rest of your evening relaxing (or finding something to throw out and posting in minimalist challenge!) Take Care! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grammy Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I am glad it went smoothly for you. I came from an abusive family and my husband protected us from that. It's gotten much worse over the last 8 years. My mom passed 5 years ago, but since I didn't host holidays anymore I and my family were not invited. ((Hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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