Whose Got Me?

[mikeeh]

A widow/er's brain is a dangerous thing.  So random, so uncontrolled.

 

I was getting in the shower this morning and for some reason a strange random thought wandered through it.  Maybe because I cleaned the tub, maybe because I was wondering how to sell or donate the tub bench we used for her.

 

In the shower this morning I remembered helping her in the shower getting her in and out and helping her wash up when she was in her later weeks/months/days.  I remember helping her because she was so unstable from the neuropathy in her feet.  I was thinking about how often I would have to assure her and let her know "I got you." as I helped her in and out.  How scared and unstable she was and how many times I had to assure her, "I got you."

 

Then the lonely, selfish widow brain kicks in and make me wonder, whose got me?  Who will be the one to help me in and out of the tub, or bed.  Who will help me up the stairs when the time comes that I will need it.  There will be nobody to be there for me when it is my turn, but as bad as that it I am glad it won't be her having to go through this for me.

[Ursula]

Hey, mikeeh, you are not selfish. You are lonely. Any your last sentence speaks for itself. Sorry you are feeling like this.

[lcoxwell]

Reading this just brought back such a flood of memories. I cannot tell you how many times I had to reassure my Kenneth and say those same words to him. Over and over, I had to tell him it was okay, and I that I had him. My heart breaks for you, and for all of us, who have had to wonder who will have us, when our time comes. Right now, I have no words of comfort. I just wanted you to know I hear you, and I understand.

[injo]

I know the feeling...in my early days I was so scared that if something would happen to me I would be lying in my home without help, maybe for days. I don't think it is a selfish thought, I think it is one of the grieving things. I don't have that feeling anymore(if it happens I can't change it anyway). I do sometimes think of when I should need care I will never be taken care of the way my dh would care for me!

So, I get it, I'm glad you let it out!

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

I too have had the same thoughts Mikeeh. I went through the same thing with my DH having to help him as he became more ill and weak. This wid journey sure is a hard one.

Hugs to you

[Carey]

My best friend's wife is having surgery Friday and we were talking yesterday and he was talking about how he was going to stay with her, took the day off ...etc.  And I felt such a sudden ache it nearly took my breath away that I don't have that PERSON who it's just taken for granted will be there in times like that. It was a visceral pain and I had to excuse myself because I didn't want to make him feel bad   No one's got me

[Wheelerswife]

Mikeeh, I get it.

 

I had to rely on my sister to come stay with me 12 days after John's memorial service when I had major surgery.  When I found out I had cancer and my docs were considering chemo...that put me into a frenzy.  Do I do this on my own, or do I go stay with family that is (a) already busy with lives of their own and with limited resource to help me or (b) so challenging to live with because of values and belief systems that are worlds apart?  Fortunately, the decision was made not to do chemo, but if my cancer comes back, I don't think there will be much choice.

 

The reality is that being alone really sucks, and the sense that we may always be alone, without someone who loved us as spouses do....it can be really overwhelming.  I try not to think about it, because it keeps me from functioning now.

 

But, as is evident in your post, the thoughts rise whether we try to suppress them or not.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[mikeeh]

The additional problem is that death is no longer an abstract concept for us, or at least me.  The idea that you will be in the position to need that kind of help is much more of a given having been through it once.

 

It happens, most of us know it happens because we just got went through it.  The idea that it will happen to me isn't an 'if' it is a when.  Those of us who are facing illness, like Maureen, have had to deal with the question in actuality and not just the 'what if'' speculation.

[Jen]

Oh, Mikeeh, it's not just you. I've often thought the same thing. I look at this board, at all of us here, mourning our loved ones, and wonder, Who will post for me? That seems kind of selfish, but at the same time, it's a valid question. Honestly, it's not fair.... it's just not. :-/

 

[mikeeh]

"Who will post for me"  Wow Jen, never really thought of that.

 

It is hard to realize that when I go nobody will care.  Nobody will be devastated and destroyed and their life turned upside down.  I guess that is a good thing because it isn't a good thing to be the one whose life has been devastated by loss.  I always said when she was at her sickest that at least she gets to die. 

[BrokenHeart2]

I too never thought of that Jen. It may seem selfish to those who don't get it but not to me. I get it and it is so sad to think of.

Hugs to all of us

[Trying]

I think it's hard not to worry about this  as a widow/er.  I don't want it to ever fall on my children to be responsible for my day to day care but the reality is that it probably will.  I did it for my Dad and for DH and professionally I work with with homebound elderly but I also see in my work families who are just not capable for various reasons of being that level of caregiver. 

[keeptrying]

I knew my future, I knew exactly what was going to happen. We planned it. We joked about how we would change each others diapers. - Boyscouts had something at the old folks home. I didn't think anything of it. Once I got inside I broke down SO incredibly bad. WE were a future. Now I will be alone, completely alone. No one to take care of me when I am sick, (he saved me and our kids lives), he is not there when I give birth to our baby now, no one to plan the future, the kids, and to grow old together. I find myself being jealous and even not liking old couples anymore because of jealousy. But also, taking the satisfaction away of being a wife, taking care of him when he is sick, being there for him. Nothing. it is all gone. I hate that I don't know the future and the thought of being alone is terrifying. I hate that I thought I  knew and looked forward to it, and now it seems like I am lost forever

[Virgo]

This thought has crossed my mind too. Life doesn't always go as planned, as we all know.