please make it stop!

[MrsDan]

I'm sorry but DD is driving me crazy. She is completely clingy and demanding, especially of my constant attention. Waking up at night, scared. Having to hold my hand. Crying for me at daycare. She's screaming her head off right now because I told her she has to go to sleep. She had a bad dream, so I went in, comforted her, let her get up to go potty. Took her back to her room, where she started screaming. She's afraid of witches. I think that's genuine, but I also think there are times when she cries witch and she is completely full of shit. Like she'll calm down, be smiling, then I go to leave and she cries witch! Really?!

 

I am so tired. I am so fucking tired. I have spent over two years enduring absolute, unyielding agony solely for the sake of this little person and now am in the process of completely uprooting everything I've tried to cobble together since Dan died in the span of like a month. It's not like it's been my life's dream to move to Detroit! Dan and I were supposed to stay here forever, raising our family. She wants me around more so I'm doing it. And right in the middle of it, she decides now is the time to be more needy than ever. You know, I'm not that great. I can't be what she needs me to be. I'm constantly failing, which triggers all the ways I failed Dan. He needed me. He needed me so much, more than I had to give and I failed. Now this little girl needs more than I have to give. I cannot go down the road of coddling her, as much because I don't have the energy for it as because I think it's best for her.

 

I hate this. Dan thought I could be a mother, I didn't. He refused to get married for almost a decade because I wouldn't have kids and then when I finally turned around he destroyed our ability to conceive naturally and made me endure invasive treatments and procedures. Then he left. He left us even before he died.

 

Fuck. I am so sick of this.

[Abitlost]

Oh MrsDan, I feel for you. You are in the midst of some really challenging years, made all the more difficult by not having your partner. Breathe. You are in no way failing your daughter!

 

If I may make a suggestion on the fear of witches: take her to the store and have her pick out a spray bottle with a fine mist setting. Then have her decorate it. Fill it with a special witch-be-gone potion: a solution of water with a drop or two of lavender oil. Now she has witch extermination tool that she can spray if a witch comes at night. (The lavender oil may even calm her and make her sleepy...)

 

Hang in there,

 

abl

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi MrsDan,  I get this.  And it is not a walk in the park.  But you are there for her.  Over time, I have watched my child mature somewhat and develop and what I once thought was a lost cause has not necessarily become easier but we've come to a new understanding of one another and our connection and our place in the world.  But yours is still little; I am only trying to say it does evolve and change.

 

You are committed; you are making the choices you know to be best for her.  You are doing everything right, though I also know what it feels like not to be able to feel that.  You're under huge strain and stress right now; change is hard and grief is still real in a lot of ways and needs to be acknowledged and cared for.  You said to MrsTim how proud you were of her for doing this on her terms.  You're doing that, too and you have my absolute respect, support and solidarity always. 

 

And if it is any consolation, I am often in a permanent state of being on my last nerve with M or with the fact that our house appears to be in a permanent state of chaos.  The "Just Cannot Deal" feeling.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  I felt this way many many times before Scott even got sick.  I refuse to pretend being a professional and a mother, let alone a widowed one, is some sort of fairy tale or that I have to meet someone else's standards.  We feel what we feel; we are who we are; we do the best we can for them and for us. 

 

I'm not sure my words help but I care.  Hugs.

[Chrispy89]

Sorry to hear this, I'm sure many have struggled before you so please don't be too down on yourself. Are there any community services that could support you? Where I come from there's a place called Ngala where people actually come to your house and give practical tips to help out. Good luck!

[Carey]

Many many times I wonder if I missed the maternal mom gene. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I often feel like I'm missing that mama lion drive other mothers have.  I cannot even fathom how to handle being a widow with younger children. Thankfully mine were almost self sufficient when he died. I know exactly what you mean about him leaving before he died.  And you feel like you're left holding the bag and the pressure to succeed and keep your little person happy is strong.  Every child faces losing a parent in a different way I suppose. I won't throw psycho babble at you because I really don't know any but I'm sure there's some there somewhere about her transferring her grief into her clinginess and fears. I do love the idea of the Witch-Be-Gone spray. that's totally clever.  I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you this morning .... I don't know how to say stop feeling like you're a failure because that is a major struggle for me too but we gotta stick together , love each other, love ourselves and just know we're doing the best we can.

[Trying]

MrsDan, you are under such incredible stress right now facing a major move and job change on top of all of your day to day responsibilities of being a solo mom. Remember to stop and just breath deep.  I beat myself up with feelings of failure as a mom at times too but realize that it just zaps me of the little strength I have left.

 

You did not fail Dan. You did not have the power to cure his disease any more than I could cure Tim's cancer

 

You are not failing as a parent.  I have been reading your posts since I joined ywbb about your love and focus on making decisions in her best interest.  Children go thru phases and even at her young age she senses stress and change and is reacting to that.

 

Having feelings that you you want to run away and quit being a mom are normal and happened to me even when we were a 2 parent family.  The difference is now we can't tag in our partner and ask for a break.  That just sucks.

 

I wish I lived closer to give you actual help, I am amazed by the strength and guts you have to make this major change on your own and the fact that you are doing it even though it is so hard.  You will some day look back on this and be amazed at yourself.  In the mean time, just breath, one step at a time, you can do this!

[Captains wife]

MrsDan - Im so sorry that you are under so much pressure and unable to get a break. If this helps at all, it was my husband pushing us to have children (I wanted to wait) and I feel some days like I have been left with so much crap to deal with (even if I absolutely love my son, which I do). So I understand some of what you are going through with a young toddler - my son is 4 years old and we have had some minor development and behavioural issue with him that I have had trouble coping with.

 

I dont know you personally, but from your posts you seem like a very good mother - just one that has alot to deal with, which wasnt fair to you. NONE of this is easy and this must be particularly hard as your daughter is being so clingy and you arent getting any breaks at all.

 

I had some sleeping problems with my son once he switched from a crib to his big boy bed and I started sitting with him and letting him have a nightlight + listen to a children's story CD (I now own a bunch of different ones and he loves listening to them on his own at night and I dont need to stay in the room).

 

I know children can get clingy (my son does) but I have had to be reluctantly tough on this issue as I have to work full time and do need a break once in a while to grieve but also keep my sanity. I have a regular caregiver for my son who has been working for me for almost 3 years and this stability has helped. He still cries to have his mum home sometimes (i.e. this morning as he has a cold and not feeling great) but he feels very comfortable with our nanny as well, which has taken some of the pressure off me in terms of being clingy. Although he sometimes initially fusses, hes just fine after a bit with is caregiver and as well his inlaws. I have also used new babysitters as backups and although he can initially put on a show about me not leaving, he is always fine and "over it" quickly.

 

I know you will spend the time with your daughter to help her get through this period but this is also part of the process - weaning her off us as parents as they grow up. I wish I had some other better ideas for you but I hope the stuff I mentioned above helps even a little.

[Virgo]

I'm sorry. I know you must be exhausted! I imagine this is how she is reacting to all of the changes in your lives. How old is your daughter?

 

This is going to come as a small comfort, but I'm sure it's just a phase. All three of my daughters became extreme 'germophobes' after their dad died. They were in and out of the nursing home with my mom (ALS), and then the hospitals with their dad (leukemia). Their irrational fear was that they could catch what they had. I explained to them that neither were contagious illnesses, and even had our pediatrician explain it to them. This went on for months. They're still a little extreme with their fear of germs, but not as bad as they were before. My youngest daughter (7) would ask after EVERYTHING she touched "Is it ok that I touched that. Am I going to get sick and die? Should I wash my hands?" It was exhausting. Now once in awhile she will say things like, "My leg touched the bottom of my shoe. Is that ok?" It's not every 60 seconds though. It's not even daily anymore. My 15yo and 13yo weren't nearly as bad as my youngest daughter. They still wash their hands constantly though.

[MrsDan]

Thank you all for your support. It's just so hard. My post sort of wandered into Special Circumstances territory without me really meaning to. The problem is my circumstances aren't really special, they're just my circumstances and they suck. Chrispy, I'm not sure I need outside services just people who get it. A lot of times non-widowed parents will say, oh yeah I went through that with my kid. No, you didn't go through THIS with your kid, because you weren't doing it by yourself. I did talk to my SIL that night and she validated me. Said she knows how tough it is having her husband, can't even imagine doing it alone.

[Vettie]

Mrs. Dan you will get through this. My daughter was a year old when her DH died.  He was the the stay at home Dad (as he had been sick).  She would call him at night "DA!DA!DA!".  When he died she would still cry for him when I would pick her up.  She didn't sleep through the night until she was 2.5 or three, I can't remember. These reactions should pass as she gets older.  Just know I am thinking of you and all the tough times you are having.

[Guest Mel4072]

It ain't no walk in the park. Add hormones, stress, weather and DGIs and all a girl can do is throw up her hands and say "fuck IT!" That's a place we've all been. Good news: change is constant. She will outgrow this into another phase. I joke because I have a 16 yr old princess who wears me out too. Things that help: humor, wine, chocolate, bribery, Netflix and friends. Raising kids is TOUGH!!!! Sending hugs((()))))