4 Months In

[LostMyCharles]

4 months.

17 weeks, 2 days.

121 days.

2904 hours.

 

Feels like a lifetime since I held your hand, kissed you, laughed with you, made plans with you.

 

How? How did this happen to you, to us? How do I keep moving forward when all I want to do is go back? How do I hold tight to the memories and share them with our daughter when every waking minute threatens to write over those memories? How do I stop the crying, the searing pain, the daily thought "I hate my life"?

 

Why is it so difficult for me to remember you? I remember bits and pieces, fleetingly. Images of your hands, your smile, your navel, the shape of your calves - all flashes doled out to me and gratefully accepted like water in a desert. But why can't I see you whole? What is my mind shielding me from? The horror of acknowledging my loss? Sorry, I've already crossed that bridge, no going back.

 

I see pictures of me taken recently. The smile never reaches my eyes anymore. When will that spark of life return? When will I be able to smile at our daughter without the shadow of loss looming over us? When that day happens, will I grieve again? Feel guilty? Or will I embrace the light and keep striding forward?

 

Why do I not feel you around me anymore?

[DansSoulmate]

:'(

[Jen]

So many tight hugs, sweetie. Four months... it feels like a million years ago, and it feels like yesterday. It was horrible. I wish I could take this away for you. One day at a time. One breath. Keep talking; we're listening.

[lcoxwell]

I see pictures of me taken recently. The smile never reaches my eyes anymore. When will that spark of life return? When will I be able to smile at our daughter without the shadow of loss looming over us? When that day happens, will I grieve again? Feel guilty? Or will I embrace the light and keep striding forward?

 

Looking back, I can remember feeling much this same way, at four months. I remember finally being able to smile, every once in a while, but the smiles seemed so empty. To answer your questions, you may feel all of these mixed emotions, once you reach the point of smiling, without it being through the shadows.  You may once again grieve, because there was a moment in time, when you experienced joy, and then realize your love wasn't there to share the moment with you. You may feel guilt, because sometimes, those little steps forward, mean you are moving farther away from your love, and you may feel guilty about that. Then again, you may embrace it, realizing how good it feels and how long it has been since you have experienced a moment of happiness, realizing you deserve to have joy in your life, and realizing you want to take a few steps toward the light, once more. These may all be felt in isolation, or may all be experienced at once. You should know, that all of these emotions are "normal" (I hate that word, but use it for lack of a better one).

[swilson]

I'm sorry for your pain LostMyCharles, it's like nothing most of us have ever felt before. Keep reaching out and remember to take care of yourself. This forum has been a beacon of light in my cloudy journey.

[Ursula]

LostMyCharles, I wish I could say something useful. I can just say I know.. It feels like that. Sucks, all the bloody time. It does lighten with time, that I promise, even though pangs of pain return all the time. The only thing I can say for sure is , that you are not alone and that you can talk here where people genuinly understand. Sending you hugs.

[donswife]

wish there was something to say to help you with all the pain

I hope just knowing we are here and you were able to write how you feel helps, if even just a little bit

take care

 

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight hugs, LMC. Your post so eloquently captures the anguish of even thinking about life without your spouse. If I can offer you a little bit of hope from my experience, eventually my memories of my husband came back fully, in glorious color. Like you, I could not understand why I couldn't remember him more fully than bits and pieces - this man with whom I had almost 30 years of shared experiences. Could I truly forget him so quickly? It felt horrible.

 

In time, the memories came back bit by bit. I do think our brains do protect us. Yes, we're aware early on that our loves are gone, but I think it takes a while to fully grasp the impact their being gone will have on not only our present, but our future. The memories, while precious and cherished, were pretty painful at first for me. I'm not sure I could have handled them in greater than small doses.

 

I once saw a speech by VP Joe Biden where he discussed his own personal journey through grief after the loss of his wife and daughter in an auto accident. I remember him saying that there will come a day where the memory of your lost loved one will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. For a long time, I didn't think that was possible. Yet I have reached that place where I can really savor those memories, even though at times they stir up tears as well.

 

I know hearing that things will get a little easier in some ways over time is hard to believe in the early months of such a devastating loss. But I do believe you will get to a place where the memories of your husband come back more fully and eventually they'll be more of a comfort than a heartache.

 

More hugs...