Resurfacing...

[SoVerySad]

I'm back after a brief hiatus from posting. I have been going through a very rough few weeks. The car crash was a catalyst that not only set me back in dealing with my grief, but has heightened my anxiety to a pretty unbearable level - not a good mix. But I'm determined to get a better handle on things and hoping to feel more like I can offer something by participating here again.

 

My arm/wrist is healing, although I'm in a small setback right now as I've been overusing it. Patience has never been a virtue of mine, so this long, drawn-out healing process has been a challenge for me. After 6 long and maddening weeks of not driving, I was finally allowed to drive, only to find I am now extremely anxious about driving. I am so hyper-vigilant that I don't even want to drive. Of course, I have to, so I'm doing it, but only for trips to places we have to go. It isn't just the driving. The anxiety is just overwhelming in general. My PCP says PTSD - trauma piled on top of already existing issues from losing T so unexpectedly. So, my job for the coming week is to find a counselor who I hope will be able to help me.

 

The drunk driver who hit us has managed to avoid any charges related to hitting us. Looking at his charges, one would never even know he hit another vehicle. Inexplicably, the police officer who filed the report for the DA's office made no mention of the fact that he hit us, demolished my van, that my daughter had to be cut free from the van, my injury requiring surgery and recovery, etc.. I got up my nerve and attended his preliminary hearing so I at least got to let the ADA know that we were impacted by his choice. I plan to attend his sentencing to at least make the judge aware. Just maybe if the driver hears the impact on my family of his choice to get drunk (over twice our state's legal limit) and drive, he'll think before he does it again. That is my hope.

 

Sending anyone who can use one today a tight hug...

 

 

 

 

[calimom]

Nice to hear an update, SVS, and I'm sorry for your continuing pain and stress.  Kind of the last thing you needed, right?

It's understandable that driving is causing anxiety, and hopeful that will lessen as time goes by.  With any injury or physical stress, it's always a fine line between appropriate activity and too much activity.  There's just so much that needs doing on a daily basis.

 

You showed incredible fortitude in showing up for the hearing of the driver who caused all this mess.  What you said is now on record and I hope with everything I have that the DA and judge listen very carefully to the impact this has had on you and your family.  It's just unbelievable the amount of people who drink and drive, with such careless disregard of others.

 

Here's hoping things get better, I've been thinking of you.  ((hugs))

[Jen]

((((((((SVS))))))))))

 

I am shocked and appalled at how the reporting officer totally dropped the ball! Ditto what Calimom said-- you're AWESOME for showing up at the hearing. I don't think it would even have occurred to me to try. I'm glad to see you back. Sending healing vibes for that wrist, and calming ones for the stress. You have every reason to be anxious about driving! Just keep breathing. All will be well... eventually. ((more hugs))

[SoVerySad]

Thank you, Calimom and Jen. Calimom, you are right about the fine line on using my wrist/hand. It seems like I'm only aware that I've overused it after I've done it and it swells and becomes painful. Jen, it is funny you mention about the breathing. My OT therapists are working on applying pressure to stretch my hand and wrist. The other day, one of them was doing it and asked me if it hurt. I quickly responded that it was fine. She stopped and told me that she knows it was hurting, because I had stopped breathing and was holding my breath. I think that is just my default response to pain now since losing T - just hold my breath, tolerate it, and tell others I'm okay. I really wasn't trying to mislead her. So, yes, I need to work on breathing.

[WifeLess]

SoVerySad,

 

Sorry you are going through the physical and emotional pain you describe, and that you have had a grief setback. Your words reminded me of how I felt the first time I became ill after my wife's death, like I was plunged deeper into grief. I also recall that when I physically recovered a few weeks later, I felt emotionally stronger again too. Around the same time, another YWBB member said she went through something similar when she was sick.

 

As a result of these experiences, I came up with the theory that under ordinary circumstances it must be taking all of the inner strength and emotional energy we have to fight off grief and hold ourselves together. But when we become ill or injured, and therefore need some of that strength and energy to battle the illness or injury, we have less of them available to defend ourselves against grief. And so for a while the grief monster may have the advantage . . .  but only for a while.

 

If this is the case for you, I hope you regain the advantage very soon.

 

--- WifeLess

[Ursula]

SVS, sending hugs to you. Sorry about the lousy circumstances of the hearing/trial.

And let me say this, I am in awe of the way you talk about the hearing and why you do this.

I am not surprised about your response to the physiotherapy. The holding of breath and tensing up. Our bodies respond to our mind/ souls.  I go to back massage and last time I went after a break of a couple of weeks, it hurt so bad, because my whole back has turned so tense, it felt like I was turning into a turtle (which would be nice, imagine, just pull legs and head in and close the doors..). I have also realized that when actually relaxing at the end of a yoga class, I almost always cry. It is when the tension releases that it comes out. I have come to realize that my physical body is turning supertense to hold myself together and I have difficulties relaxing because when I do, I feel like falling apart.

Hopefully the anxiety lessens for you. Looks like you are facing your fears every day when driving, which is probably therapeutic in itself ?

Glad the wrist gets better. Wishing you the patience it takes to heal properly.

[Virgo]

Good to hear that you're on the mend. I'm sorry that the legal proceedings aren't going well for you.

[Carey]

 

As a result of these experiences, I came up with the theory that under ordinary circumstances it must be taking all of the inner strength and emotional energy we have to fight off grief and hold ourselves together. But when we become ill or injured, and therefore need some of that strength and energy to battle the illness or injury, we have less of them available to defend ourselves against grief.

 

I completely concur with this.  You can only send the energy you have within you in so many directions, and that grief monster is hard to keep pushed down.  But I've missed you and wondered how you were doing, so I'm glad to see you back posting again. 

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for your posts. Wifeless, I do think that the grief is worse due to the added strain. I was already stretched to the limit, yet I've had to try to fit these new difficulties in there as well. I do so appreciate all the support from each of you.

[Captains wife]

SoVerySad - I am very sorry to hear everything that you have to deal with ON TOP of the grief. Not what you need and facing it in court is not easy. Having dealt with the law after my husband's death (it had to do with theft of some of my husband's possessions by the company that salvaged his boat), I found the police officer dealing with the case woefully incompetent. In my case, the case was initially thrown out by the court given the poor quality of the police report but I refiled the case by re-writing the report myself and only after that did the court accept my case and I eventually won it - so I was financially compensated for my husband's items and my legal fees (as I eventually hired a lawyer). I am more than appalled here that the drunk driver seems to be getting away with the damage he has caused, not to mention this person needs to learn a lesson. I am not sure if you can or want to file any sort of appeal but if this person had insurance I hope you are getting compensated for the damage he has done - not only to your van but to your health etc. As you said, any big event like this makes the grief worse so I hope things get better soon. Just one day at time....