emotionally unavailable

[imissdow]

I'm beginning to wonder if that's what I am.  I have friends I enjoy being with, I'm busy with my kids and I volunteer a bunch so I am very busy. In some ways I prefer it this way because it doesn't leave me much down time.  Yet I wonder if I choose this so I will be totally unavailable.  I was reading about emotionally unavailable men and it got me thinking.  Maybe that's what I am a emotionally unavailable women.

 

I met a lovey guy  at my church almost a year ago.  In the middle of  February  we got together for dinner, had a great time and have had dinner together a few time sense. I really enjoy his company and he enjoys mine.  He's not looking to change his entire life and neither am I.  His kids are grown with families of their own and my kids are still at home and will be for a long time yet as my youngest is 9.  I'm usually the one asking if we can get together, not sure if that's because I have more to work around or if there is another reason. Yet he seeks out my company when our paths cross and when we do get together he is very attentive. He pays for dinner and when I went to pay the last time protested yet did agree in the end and just left the tip.  Yet I still feel very guarded. We talk on the phone maybe once a week.  He hasn't been to my house or me to his.  He met my kids months ago , I have not met his. However I do know a couple of his grand kids.  His younger DD sent me a friend request on facebook I have just ignored it.  We don't get together all that often, I'm not sure whose choice that really is,mine or his or just the way it is.  We are becoming good friends and neither of us have talked about even the most minor of a commitment.

I have had several guys ask me for dinner/coffee in the last few weeks. I turned all of them down with not even a thought.  I have know all of these guys for quite a while and probably would have had a good time with all of them. Yet I really have no desire to see them anymore then I already do.

I gave up on the on-line dating. Decided it was to much work and i was tired of trying to meet people.  I found most of the guys I met on there were way to needy.  I really don't want 3 or more text messages a day.  Neither do I want a phone call or e-mail everyday at the beginning.  I tend to get bored rather quickly with those types of guys.  It seems to me like they have nothing to occupy themselves with and are looking for me to entertain them. I have no desire to do that.  I am and always have been rather independent and I really want a guy that is also. 

 

So I wonder, am I overly picky, unavailable or is there maybe another reason why I don't seem to find anyone I really want to connect to.  My DH told me once that he felt bad for "the poor fool who tries to date you Because it will take you forever to learn to trust him. "  He also said most guys would give up before that ever happened.  He seemed to think I was worth the wait but that most guys would never get to that point.

 

[Guest look2thesky]

What is it that you want ?

Most guys I know are usually straight to the point. It's great to have friends but I think few men are actually looking for a super slow paced situation. I think it is just a sign of the times.

But that's just my take.

[serpico]

Not a criticism, just a question, but why ignore the FB friend invite?

[Guest look2thesky]

Yes. If you like this man and want more than friends I would just suggest letting him know, honestly.

What would you stand to lose ?

And if he said yes, would that be ok?

(Sorry for the double questions).

[Trying]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a committed relationship, as long as you are both on the same page.  It has to be the right person AND the right time. 

[Sugarbell]

Maybe you are just tired with everything on your plate. And don't really have the energy/time to give much more with guy friend. He sounds sweet and sounds like he's giving you space. He's being considerate. I would accept the friend request...what's it going to hurt? Sounds like you all are becoming good friends...maybe Sonething more will hPken maybe not.

 

So no...I don't think it's that your are emotionally unavailBle...maybe just juggling a lot and no wanting to take on more than you can handle right now. It's tough I know.

[Neverthesame]

Imissdow,

 

My wife is also a pancreatic cancer widow. When we met and started to date it became apparent that her time was going to be an issue. She worked full time, led a Grief Share class 1 night a week for 26 weeks out of the year, was an officer in her local PanCan chapter, was involved at her church, and did a lot of things with her kids and grandkids. She also had dinners planned at least once a month with widow friends that she had met in Grief Share and PanCan. The first couple of months that we dated she would actually have to look at her calendar to see when she could go out (not a real confidence booster for me). She had made herself so busy in order to deal with her grief that she really didn?t have time to date. It was tough in the early going because I kind of felt like I was just something else she was trying to fit into her schedule.

 

We?re married now and she still has a full schedule. She works one session of Grief Share a year instead of two. She isn?t involved with PanCan anymore, though we do walk in the walk every year. She still sees her widow friends, just not as often. She cut down on that stuff so we can still do a lot with our families, travel as much as we can, do church things together and just do the household stuff that married people do.

 

It sounds like you have a busy life that you?re comfortable with and that?s great if that?s what you want. However, since you posted, I get the impression that you?re questioning whether you want more. There are only so many hours in the day and you?re the only one who can decide what you want and need to fill them with.

 

In my personal opinion you are not ?overly picky? or ?emotionally unavailable?, you?re just trying to decide whats right for you and your family. It not an easy task and I wish you the best.

 

Bill

 

[imissdow]

 

Your wife sounds something like me,neverthesame.  I pull out my calendar regularly to see if I can fit him in around my Kids. 18, 16 and 9  and I'm the only one who drives at the moment.  In a few more weeks my schedule will lighten up some meanwhile his is getting busier with his job.  The biggest problem is I really don't know what  I want.  When he told me he wasn't ready to change his whole life but would like someone to do stuff with it sounded perfect.  Meanwhile I have seen him several more times and I wonder.  I wonder if I want more, I spend a few hours with him and go home wishing I had another date on my calendar.  He has asked me a couple of times when my kids are headed off for college. Sunday I was wearing shorts and he made it pretty clear he was checking me out.  Doesn't help that he lives 35 minutes away so it's not like I will ever bump into him if I don't plan to.

I know at some point I would like to have someone in my life permanently. I kind of figured that would happen in a year or so when my kids are closer to moving out and would live in my zip code.  I guess I also figured that any guy I met would just slide into my life with very little thought on my part, kind of like my DH did. I also didn't expect that I would be so confused about what I really want.  One of my friends just keeps telling me to "breathe " and not over think things. Both things that are really hard for me. Guess I now know how my DH felt, He was very interested in me and I was basically unaware that he was anything more then my work friend for months.  Told me he had just about given up when I finally took notice. 

 

Never thought this would prove to be this hard.

[Guest look2thesky]

That certainly changes things.

Not so sure I would like the "checking you out" part.

Are you a bag of groceries or a six pack with a movie rental ?

Or a subtle hint of a physical relationship only ?

Actually I'm not too sure about anything these days.

: /

[imissdow]

look2thesky

Actually I found it rather flattering. There have been times when I wondered if he saw me as a available women at all. He treats me really well and this is the first time I ever noticed him looking anywhere other then my face.  The guys who are just looking for sex usually aren't willing to put in this much time. Besides I haven't gotten anything more then a quick one armed hug.  We had a conversation several months ago about those types and both of us agreed we didn't want that.  So I took it as a compliment.

 

[Guest IronBear]

Being too emotionally available is fucking scary. I prefer to keep a semi-porous wall around me at all times. Good luck.

[Neverthesame]

When he told me he wasn't ready to change his whole life but would like someone to do stuff with it sounded perfect.

 

Yep, I remember thinking that. I just wanted somebody to have dinner or go to a movie with.

 

 

I spend a few hours with him and go home wishing I had another date on my calendar. 

 

Lol, I remember feeling that too.

 

I guess I also figured that any guy I met would just slide into my life with very little thought on my part,

 

I also remember thinking this for about 6 years (insert gal in place of guy).

 

I also didn't expect that I would be so confused about what I really want. 

 

Me....I finally figured out that what I was telling myself I wanted and what I actually wanted were two different things.

 

I met my wife on ChristianMingle and she lived an hour away. My kids were 17, 19, and 22 and they all drove so it made it easier for me to get away and see her. You're right though, it really is kind of hard. But your friend is right too.....just breathe and figure things out as you go. Best of luck.

 

Bill

[mmg19]

I think you have become more emotionally available as this post has evolved.  Started out trying to understand your emotions and what you actually wanted.  From what you've said you both learned a lot about yourselves. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi imissdow (hope to see you soon!),  for what it is worth, I stayed emotionally unavailable for as long as humanly possible in my current relationship.  I was an open book in some ways but when it came to my grief or my own feelings I was guarded like a medieval fortress.  I still am in some ways.  I built walls to get myself through cancer and then grief;  I spent years shielding people from the things I didn't want them to know or see.  It is not easy to break that down.  But then I met someone who was ok with that, who understood, who didn't pressure me, who respected me enough to let me open up on my own time frame.  There is nothing wrong with being guarded.  We are mothers of little girls and little women - we should be guarded!  I took the "let's see how this plays out" tactic and it has worked so far.  I've had time to work through my sh*t and test the waters at the same time.  I'm not sure I was always conscious about how careful I have been and am about entering into a new relationship but it works for me.  And even if you decide ultimately he's not the one for you then at least you have met a stellar human being who cares about you and as we all know that is a rare and priceless thing.  OX 

[ATJ]

@TooSoon said:

 

I built walls to get myself through cancer and then grief;  I spent years shielding people from the things I didn't want them to know or see.  It is not easy to break that down.  But then I met someone who was ok with that, who understood, who didn't pressure me, who respected me enough to let me open up on my own time frame.

 

 

I did the same, in part because I needed to be steady during the "cancer hell", and later because others could not face MY reality. And some things were too private! As @TooSoon said, I believe it is important for others to allow us to open up in our own time frame!

 

General food for thought about building walls:

 

 

"Sometimes we build walls, Not to keep people out,

But to see who cares enough to break them down."

 

~~ Unknown

 

 

 

 

Sending Light of Discernment!

 

ATJ