Bitterness and Feeling Sorry for Yourself...

[SoVerySad]

These are two "labels" that I've been fighting against since T died. I remember early on a friend told me she hoped that I wouldn't become bitter as a mutual friend had become (in her opinion). I also haven't wanted to be labeled as "feeling sorry for myself".

 

I guess I may define these two labels differently than some others. I am unapologetically unhappy to be widowed at this point in my life - to not have my husband to finish raising our children with and to grow old together with. But I don't believe I am bitter. To me, bitter would be looking at someone else not widowed and wishing them ill (which may be feelings we all fleetingly experience as part of deep grieving). I am happy for older couples, I genuinely wish new couples a long and happy life together, etc.. I don't want anyone else's world to be as miserable as mine is at this time.

 

I also don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, above and beyond how I would feel sorry and compassion for another person. When I hear of a person dying, my thoughts often turn to their loved ones and my sorrow for the loss they will be experiencing. Do I myself not deserve to allow myself that same compassion? I have been dealt a very hard blow and while I don't think I am wallowing in it, I am tired of those who seem to think I need to snap back and get over it. I'm never getting over this. I do, however, intend to find ways to live with it and get more happiness back into my life so my life becomes more meaningful again. I also realize how many blessings I do still have in my life. Mourning the loss of my husband doesn't translate into being ungrateful for everything. Such a simplistic mindset to complex feelings, IMO.

 

I know I shouldn't care about what others who haven't walked this path (my path) think, I just wish there was a way I could help them be less judgmental. Perhaps I am being judgmental against their inability to understand as well, though, huh?

[kjs1989]

Oh, wow, SoVerySad, I so hear you on this. The judgment and the assumptions. Sometimes I hear it directly, but often I hear it indirectly, friends and relatives telling me what others are saying. It infuriates me. Just ask me directly if you question my judgment or the path I am taking. This is one hell of a row to hoe, and I don't need anyone making the job more difficult. I don't think I am bitter either, although in my frustration I have gone off on a couple of  relatives over their insensitivity and presumptuous attitudes about my life. As if they should know better than me how to grieve and what timeframe I should be following, what financial and business decisions I should be making, how to honor D's memory, how to raise my kids, and whether or not I should be dating. But, in hindsight I do  sort of regret lashing out, because  then I was just labeled irrational and yes, bitter. Whatever.

[Carey]

OMG.  THIS  "Mourning the loss of my husband doesn't translate into being ungrateful for everything."

Oh how I wish I had been able to formulate that sentence myself.  If you're still sad, or unsocial or withdrawn, it's automatically "wallowing".  OMG...take YOUR life, turn it completely upside down and then flip it and remove any stability you ever had and add extra responsibility and see how YOU like it.  In my opinion, no one but another young widow really has a clue really what any of this is about.  And I really don't care how well-meaning people think they are or how compassionate at the end of the day, if you're not me you really don't know so don't pretend to. Almost as bad as that? "Oh, you get social security you should be fine"...assuming  him dying made finances better. Or having no house payment makes everything ok. People presume so much.  And I'm happy for them that they can't fathom what it's like because I would never wish this on even my worst enemy.  But I know so well what you are talking about. Even if it's unspoken, it's not hard to pick up on the fact that people feel you're being too self centered or wallowing and that it's just time to pick yourself up and move on.  They have no earthly idea how very much we, all of us here on this board, would LOVE to do that. There's not an area of our lives that this loss doesn't affect.  Our love life.  Our friendships.  Our spirituality.  Our finances.  Our family life.  Our parenting. NOTHING is untouched ..... sound like total devastation? You betcha.  And what small people, to have nothing better to do with themselves than to worry about whether I've "moved on" or not.  To worry about how I spend my money because now they think they have that right.  Or who I hang out with or if I am alone too much.  And if we don't feel sorry for ourselves damnit who will?  I don't mean that snarky. I just mean that you are NOT being selfish, you have been devastated by an earth shattering loss and no one can dictate how that affects you besides yourself.  It's no one's business.  It's like fighting a battle of wits with an unarmed soldier.  The death of our spouses didn't give people carte blanche to be nosy and judgmental all in the name of "caring about us".  You are a remarkable and brave woman, for all that you've endured, all that's still waiting to go through and the fact that you WILL come out on the other side.

 

The last part of your post about being judgmental toward them really does make me think though.  They haven't been through this, they CANT understand so judging them for their way of attempting to comfort or advise no matter how bumbling it may be is probably not cool of me either.  There has to be a happy medium so that no one feels judged; it's such an odd thing to me anyway how judgement keeps working it's way into this situation anyway, just another side effect of grief I guess though I would never have thought the two went together.

 

HUGS to you sweet girl ......

[WifeLess]

SoVerySad,

 

It was because of experiences like yours that I posted "Bill of Rights for Grief" on YWBB several years ago and reposted it on this site last month. Here are a few excerpts that seem to speak to the issues you raise:

 

1. You have the right to take whatever path you take through your grief without judgment.

 

2. You have the right to ignore or incorporate any or all of the MOUNTAINS of advice you will get.

 

4. You have the right to grieve for whatever you have lost, including things you never had but ache for, like phantom limb pain.

 

11. You have the right not to "move on."

 

12. You have the right to ungodly, ugly, blind rage.

 

13. You have the right to feel complete, utter hopelessness and despair, and to say ? out loud ? over and over, that it will never get better, you will never feel better ? without everyone shushing you.

 

For the complete list, here is a link:

 

http://widda.org/index.php?topic=13.0

 

--- WifeLess

[ATJ]

These are two "labels" that I've been fighting against since T died. I remember early on a friend told me she hoped that I wouldn't become bitter as a mutual friend had become (in her opinion). I also haven't wanted to be labeled as "feeling sorry for myself".

 

SoVerySad,

 

These labels are indeed often attached to us by people who are emotionally clueless and utterly insensitive. Even long before I was married, I always felt extremely sad for people who had lost a loved one, and I would often carry that feeling with me for quite a while. And when I met such people in person, I always wished I could wave a magic wand to make it all right for them. Perhaps losing my mother at a young age helped making me more empathetic, but even as a child it hurt me to see other people in pain, and all I wanted to do was help.

 

How can we be expected to feel empathy for others if WE are not allowed to feel pain and express it?? And adding insult to injury, we are supposed to feel guilty or ashamed of it. How utterly shallow, self-absorbed, soulless and callous these people are! It's like a wealthy person living an opulent lifestyle telling a homeless person to just "snap out of it". Another expression I HATE is 'Pity Party', when a legitimate, hurtful situation is addressed, and equating it with dwelling on frivolous nuisances.

 

"Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color."

 

~~ W.S. Merwi

 

HELL, No!! We aren't masochists who derive pleasure from holding onto pain and reveling in it and then expecting a trophy! These ignoramuses make my blood boil! I think they should read what the all-encompassing loss of a spouse entails, as @WifeLess so comprehensively once wrote in an article titled "Unique and Devastating Loss". But I bet, that even that wouldn't penetrate their thick Neanderthal skull and bring any illumination. ;D

 

I was once told by a former friend that she felt very sorry that I derived my Self-Worth from being an "appendant" to a spouse. Huh?? Ignorant, people come up with the most outlandish accusations and speculations. And SHE is a minister's wife! Heaven help us all! 

 

Such comments are deeply insulting! Sadly, they often come from people whom we before considered kind and compassionate, which makes it even more hurtful and perplexing. - Like You, I am happy for others who have intact marriages and families, even into old age. But that is not mutually exclusive with also feeling sadness that I no longer have it.

 

I'm never getting over this. I do, however, intend to find ways to live with it and get more happiness back into my life so my life becomes more meaningful again. I also realize how many blessings I do still have in my life. Mourning the loss of my husband doesn't translate into being ungrateful for everything. Such a simplistic mindset to complex feelings, IMO.

 

AMEN to every word you said above!! 

 

 

"Trying to forget someone you love

is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

 

~~ Anonymous

 

And therefore, how can we NOT keep missing that person? Moving on with life and seeking meaning and joy again, does NOT mean acting as if nothing had happened, never reflecting on it, or still missing that person. I wonder how these same people would feel if they could envision their own demise, and seeing their loved ones seamlessly and merrily go on their way without missing a beat, just taking enough time for the funeral. This does NOT mean that our deceased loved ones don't want us to have a good and fulfilling life again!

 

I have to say it again: I really detest shallow people, and don't feel the slightest guilt over it!! ;D

 

 

 

 

May your Life become bright and hopeful again,

even as you will never forget!

 

Best wishes to you,

 

ATJ

[Guest Questions]

I think some people view our situation only in terms of how it affects them.

In my opinion these people are lacking empathy.

They can't imagine being in our shoes because their lives haven't changed.

They see we're unhappy & they want to fix us (commendable) but they're approaching it logically & grief isn't logical, it's emotional.

They don't have the emotional ties we did so that side of the spectrum is off limits to them.

 

I've had similar thoughts as you.

Maybe by not accepting their inability to understand me I have become bitter & judgemental towards others.

But those feelings quickly turned to rage when they started trying to shame & blame me for grieving. That was crossing the line in my book.

 

A widow friend of mine said someone once told her: You're going to be okay. You're angry & that's a sign that you're healing.

 

I tend to agree with this, because as a result of my anger I learned to stand up for myself, preserve my dignity & not let people minimize my feelings.

Grief is a normal reaction to loss & it isn't just our spouses we lost but a vital part of ourselves -The people we once were when we were with them.

Having the rug ripped out from under you causes you to lose your footing.

It's going to take time to recover.

Reconciling the loss of our dreams for the future is only the 1st part. It's not as simple as turning off a light switch & leaving the room. It takes time.

& rebuilding a new life alone is equally as hard if not harder.

There's a learning curve involved & to the people in my life who've been unwilling to allow for it I have been known to say:

I'm tired of comforting people who act inconvenienced by my grief. It takes more energy than I have to be strong for everyone else, much less myself when I'm in pain like I've never known.

You all still have each other & your lives intact. I'm here trying to make sense of a disaster & the last thing I need is criticism from you.  Try standing in my shoes & imagine how that might feel.

 

No it hasn't won me any brownie points & I've lost a lot of people (my own family members included) but I had to ask myself: Do I really need additional pain?  Aren't I hurting enough?

Since when is "kick them when they're down" the standard protocol for dealing with bereaved family members? Are they causing me more pain than joy, a help or a hinderance to my healing? Maybe it's better to tune them out.

How would I act if the tables were turned? Well, I tell you, I'd never consider shaming someone for grieving a spouse at all helpful or productive.

 

I'm not going to make excuses for them, accept blame or feel guilty for missing my husband anytime soon. I'm preserving my dignity even if I find myself completely alone (which is tragic it itself) but at least in the end I'll still have my sanity.

I know I've got to be real to heal. Real with myself & that means being real & authentic with others.

If I have to put on an act for everyone in order to keep them around then isn't that the same as losing them anyway? I'll never feel 100% accepted by them or like I can be myself around them.

 

I know that sounds selfish but I honestly don't believe we have control over anyone besides ourselves. We can't change people, we can only change our reactions to them.

 

If someone is kicking me over & over & get I fed up & confront them by saying:

Stop! you're hurting me, explain myself to them & their only reaction is to become defensive & shift blame away from themselves back onto me I'm guessing they don't really have my best interests in mind as they claim to. As long as they are unable to listen to my side it will always be about them.

I know most can't stand for 5 minutes the pain I'm living 24x7 so they run away.

I say: Well, fine, run if you must but understand that isn't an option for me..

 

I'm tired of people who avoided me because death made them uncomfortable (causing me to grieve the loss of them too) & then, once I finally came  to terms with it, willingly accepted it & let them go turning around & accusing me of having pushed them away.

Excuse me?! I reached out for you but I got my fingers chewed so I just learned to keep my hands in my pockets.. & now that I am doing what you've trained me to  you aren't happy with those results either? Well, sorry but you reap what you sow.

 

I honestly think they are hung-up on their own guilt over their inablility to cope with tragedy. Looking back in my life I recognize I've been guilty of this too, but the difference is I never blamed the griever for what I perceive as my own shortcomings.

I know fear of their own mortality, or whatever it is about me that reminds them of it drove them away, not me personally. I just happen to be a poster child for the thing they fear most.

But should I feel guilty for that? I certainly didn't ask to become a widow.

& it's not a conscience choice I've made to choose sadness over being happy. I'm just grieving the loss of someone very important to me which seems to me a perfectly normal response.

 

I'm not apologizing for anyone's else's bad behavior.

There was a time that I might just to keep the peace but now that it's just me looking out for myself alone I can't bring myself to anymore. I even refer to it now as a survival tactic.

People may not accept the new me, may call me crazy, unstable, etc. but I can't help it if they can't put themselves in my shoes & be forgiving. I know I don't feel very forgiving.

 

Let's face it, I've changed..

 

[Baylee627]

^^^This!

 

Every single line resonates with me, Questions! You've written a brilliant and eloquent post on this matter.

 

Baylee

[Jen]

A lot of times I am bitter. I often feel sorry for myself, because it seems to me that no one else really does anymore, and, let's face it, all of us here really won the lottery from hell. My mother tells me I'm selfish for feeling the way I do, but I can't help it-- thus far I haven't been able to shove it in a box and stuff in away. I feel alone, I feel desolate, I feel abandoned. I don't know if I'll ever feel any different.

 

That doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the support I've received. It certainly doesn't mean I curse every happy couple I see. My heart aches for what I'll never have. Maybe I wallow in self-pity, but at this point, I don't know how to do much else. Anyone who wants to judge me can feel free-- they can't judge me any more harshly than I judge myself.

[SoVerySad]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and eloquent replies. Jen, I think your post is what I am referring to. Your mom is making you feel like you are selfish and at some point you have yourself believing you are "wallowing in self-pity". I don't think either of those terms describe you. I think you've been wounded from the loss of your husband and you are deeply grieving. Grieving by its nature is selfish, isn't it? From the perspective that we have to process it and suffer through it pretty much on our own. Even if fortunate enough to have support, it is still very much a journey we have to travel on our own. I wish you didn't judge yourself so harshly, Jen, for a normal response to your husband's death. You are managing to continue to work, take care of your kids, taking classes. That is definitely not wallowing, honey. You are keeping going despite the world of hurt you are in.

 

It has been interesting to me to see the responses I have had from the people around me since injured in the car crash. People have been much more sympathetic, because they can see my injury, I guess. Or maybe they can imagine themselves being in a car crash but not losing a spouse. They tell me it is normal to feel angry for what happened, etc.. So, it is understandable to feel angry that a drunk driver crashed into my life nearly killing my children or leaving them orphans and making my life difficult as I recover (which of course it is), yet they seem unable to understand anger at the cataclysmic crash of reality into my life that literally did kill T and has made every single aspect of my life difficult since? Yes, the car crash has been a real PITA, but it has been a freaking paper cut compared to the magnitude of the nearly constant pain which has felt like having my heart ripped out of my chest since T died.

 

Questions, you continue to be such an inspiration to me for the courage you've found to handle your life while still grieving. You've captured the challenges so well with your post.

 

ATJ, I also bristle at the use of the term pity party in relation to something so significant as the loss of a loved one. I'm sorry you had to endure the appendage comment. Unreal.

 

Wifeless, as always, your reminders that our feelings are valid are appreciated.

 

Carey, I have been told some people feel I'm wallowing as well. I even looked the term up:

verb (used without object) 

1. to roll about or lie in water, snow, mud, dust, or the like, as for refreshment:

Goats wallowed in the dust.

2. to live self-indulgently; luxuriate; revel:

to wallow in luxury; to wallow in sentimentality.

3. to flounder about; move along or proceed clumsily or with difficulty:

A gunboat wallowed toward port.

4. to surge up or billow forth, as smoke or heat:

Waves of black smoke wallowed into the room

Now #3 I might agree to. I do feel like I'm clumsily floundering about frequently. But I don't think that's what they meant. I believe their impression is that I'm deliberating not doing enough or choosing to make myself happier, etc. - as if I wouldn't avail myself of that opportunity if it were as easy as just choosing it.

 

KJS, I'm sorry you've received those judgmental comments as well. It does make it all harder when it is already hard enough.

 

I do think Wifeless's point about the experience of losing your spouse/SO being uniquely devastating is the crux of it. Those around us seem to be processing it and sometimes making judgments based upon their own frames of reference, which don't including an understanding of how it differs from any other experience. I am so very grateful for a safe haven such as this where people do understand, although it breaks my heart to know the price each person here has paid to gain that understanding.

 

Thank you, again.

[Carey]

I just feel the need to print this entire thread and keep it with me to read over and over ... we really are some very intelligent well-spoken thoughtful people around here you know that? Lol

[kjs1989]

I would really love to print out this entire thread as Carey said, and hand it to certain people because really, all of this, ^^, what everyone has said, is the absolute, without a doubt, toughest and most excruciating part of my grief right now. What I am experiencing from "certain" people is smugness, marginalization, condescension, dismissal, and arrogance in their attitudes toward me. And I sure don't wallow in pity or anger.  I think I am doing pretty darn good considering. But,  horrors, if by chance I let my guard down, take off my mask, and reveal that my life SUCKS at times and after 2 1/2 years,  I am still going a day at a time, and sometimes still struggling to keep it together, I am reminded in short order to suck it up. But, on my better days when I feel like maybe I am making some progress, living life, having some fun, laughing, making decisions, then THAT is questioned and speculated upon, too.

 

I agree SoVerySad, really, the bottom line is that this is our own journey. We have to figure it out on our own. It is selfish by nature. Even with all the grief counseling in the world, we still have to figure it out on our own, what works for us. And unfortunately, in the fallout we may lose others close to us who just don't get it, will never try to get it. If I did print  this thread out and hand it to whom I am thinking of, then I would just create even more of a schism no doubt.

 

But the thing is, nobody in life who has loved deeply escapes grief, NOBODY. So it totally perplexes me where the smugness, minimization,  judgment, and arrogance comes from. I have even reminded certain people that they will also experience a loss of this magnitude someday, unless they pass first. I think maybe grief to this extent is just too much for most people to contemplate or consider, so they want to minimize it, make it less than what it is. It is just all too very, utterly,and horrifically disconcerting  for these people to contemplate fully. Lucky us.

[linda5]

All great comments.  In the beginning I was very bitter.  But at 2 years, I'm not that way anymore. 

 

Everyone else can't see this bag of rocks that is slung on our backs that we have to carry with us every single second of the day.  Some days we carry it down hill, and it feels lighter, other days we carry it up hill and we feel it in its entirety, and then other days we're on flat ground and we know it's there, but we are better able to carry it.  I guess we'll have this feeling until the day we are reunited with them.

[ATJ]

SoVerySad said:

"Grieving by its nature is selfish, isn't it"

 

kjs1989 said:

"I agree SoVerySad, really, the bottom line is that this is our own journey. We have to figure it out on our own. It is selfish by nature."

 

 

I agree with and liked the sum of what BOTH of you had to say!  BUT, I do deviate from describing our way of dealing with grief and its challenging, myriad aspects as "selfish". Instead, I would describe it as perhaps "self-preservation" or  "survival technique".

 

Sometimes I think that those outsiders have actually done a pretty good job by brainwashing us into believing that we are indeed guilty of some 'shortfall', that we ARE  "selfish", and I reject that!! I have even had fellow widows apologize to ME for shedding a tear or talking about their struggle. Society has done a "real number" on us, I would say!

 

One would never associate the term "selfish" with a person who was physically, gravely wounded and who needs time to recover, no matter HOW long the restoration process takes. In contrast, our deep, gashing inner wound is NOT visible to the eyes of others, and is therefore flippantly dismissed and equated to perhaps a mere cold from which one is expected to recover in a week.

 

This is by NO MEANS a criticism of either of You!!  But I think that we have indeed been brainwashed by society at large for so long, that we MAY even begin to feel apologetic ourselves. We ARE alone in this, and it therefore consumes most of our energy to simply hold on and slowly learn to walk again, step by tiny step. However, I have also seen so many widowed people who still care about others and even lend a helping hand in the middle of their own travail, just as I have done. I would only see it as 'selfish' if we had lost our humanity and no longer cared about anyone else, or acted in a disrespectful or harmful manner to others. 

 

Again, I do believe that by necessity we are learning self-preservation and develop survival techniques, which is an exhausting, lengthy process. Therefore, don't beat yourself for not being able to run a metaphorical marathon race!! Outsiders dump enough of that on us! In short, You are NOT selfish!! You deserve admiration for courageously fighting this lonely battle!

 

 

 

 

Sending positive energy to all of you!

 

 

Special (((HUGS))) to SoVerySad and kjs1989 !!

 

ATJ

[kjs1989]

A Tout Jamais, you are absolutely correct. It is not really at all about being selfish. It is truly about self-preservation and survival mode  When I think about it, everything, and I mean everything I have done and all the decisions I have made have all been toward that end. I am sure this is true for all of us. And first and foremost for me, I need to survive so my kids can survive, come out on the other side, and hopefully even flourish!  The bottom line is everything I do, every decision I have made, every tear I have shed, every joy that comes my way, is about them now. We have a right to be frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and at times angry by others simplification, judgment, and second guessing of our decisions, rationality, emotional state, and behaviors when we are doing the absolute best we can to survive for ourselves and our immediate family.

[Jen]

I wish you didn't judge yourself so harshly, Jen, for a normal response to your husband's death. You are managing to continue to work, take care of your kids, taking classes. That is definitely not wallowing, honey. You are keeping going despite the world of hurt you are in.

 

Thank you for that. Really. It's always been easier for me to be compassionate toward anyone who isn't me. I don't suppose I'll ever improve by beating the crap out of myself... hard habit to break, unfortunately. :-/