Stupid mistake

[lcoxwell]

Today, I made the mistake of picking up a couple of old photo albums of Kenneth's, while eating a late lunch, and saw pictures I had completely forgotten we had of him, of the kids, and of our life together. I also saw pictures of his family and life, before he and I married each other. Stupid mistake, when I was already feeling down. A major grief wave is now crashing down on me, and I'm a crying mess. I miss the life I once had, and I miss him terribly.

[Jen]

(((((HUGS))))))

 

I do that to myself sometimes-- pick up something I know will trigger grief and despair, but I feel compelled to look at it anyway. It's almost like I want to feel bad. I don't really think it's that; I think it's more that I want to remember what it was like to feel loved, wanted, cherished. For me it's not pictures-- there just aren't that many-- but words: emails, texts, messages. Some of them are mundane, others are intensely emotional, but they all hurt. They remind me that there was a time when I was the most important person in someone's life, and that helps for a millisecond or so-- it's like the moment you touch a hot pan, before the searing pain sets in, when you think, Crap, what have I done? Then it just hurts.

 

Not a great analogy, really-- sorry about that. I tell myself, very firmly, that I will not go there-- there's no point in being a masochist, when I know for a fact that opening that box will just open the wound again. Sometimes I can't help it, I do it anyway. I want to know that I didn't dream it-- I was loved. The pain that inevitably follows just reinforces my belief that I will never have that again, and maybe I want that as well. Maybe I've become too... secure in my misery, if that makes any sense. I cling to it. I hate hell, but it's familiar. The unknown-- the slim possibility that there might be something over the horizon for me-- is too terrifying to contemplate.

 

Totally veered off topic there. I'm so sorry you're hurting, sweetie. I wish I could fix it. ((((((more hugs)))))))

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry you are hurting, honey. Those reminders of the life we had are like precious little shards of glass sometimes.

 

Tight hugs...

[BrokenHeart2]

So true SVS like shards of glass.

JJ, yes I do that too, somehow I think that is all part of our healing, getting into the pain a grief of the moment.  Looking at the videos, hearing the music and reading the emails and texts. For me it's hard but I feel a sense of healing after. After a good cry too. I don't do it often but every now and then I feel like I need to go back and see and hear it and remember.

Icoxwell, I believe that is part of processing this pain and the painful journey to healing. For me it's was like I couldn't stop myself even though I knew where it would lead. That's ok.  Personally I don't think it was a stupid mistake I see it as part of this grief journey to healing. When I do this I feel like I need to express my pain and I'm seeing/ hearing that yes ' we really did have this, it's wasn't a dream'. It hurts like hell but I believe it is better to feel and express it than to keep it bottled up inside only to explode somehow else.

Blessings and hugs

[Virgo]

I avoid photos for the most part too. I know I shouldn't. ((hugs))

[gracelet]

Sprayed Elle's perfume onto the pillow on her side of the bed the other day knowing full well it would be likely to set me off. It's self harming, yet for a split second, it's like she's there.

 

I so get it!

[mikeeh]

I think we all do it to ourselves at one point or another.  Sometimes I feel that if the pain goes away then I will lose what I have left of her.  I will spray her perfume in our room too sometimes. 

 

As I approach hitting the two year mark, just under 2 months from now, it all just seems to be slipping away.  It already is starting to feel like that part of my life never really happened.  Just a movie I saw that I have a very vivid memory of seeing. 

 

I think one way I have of twisting the knife a little is taking my ring off on the 2 year anniversary date.

[Mr C]

((((Leslie)))) Sorry that you are hurting.

 

Like others, I have the tendency to jump into the middle of grief and even knowingly activate triggers. Lately, I have been listening to my "Cesily" playlist on my iPhone when grocery shopping. There are times, such as when walking the dog, that those songs bring peace and comfort. But at the grocery store, those special songs just enhance my loneliness and sadness.

[Baylee627]

Like a moth to a flame, I also engage in activities sure to set off the waterworks: gazing at wedding pictures, driving his truck, or getting unto his clothes closet, clutching his clothes and inhaling his lingering scent.

 

I know full well these things will undo me, yet the compulsion to get as near to him as I'm capable far surpasses the pain that ensues.

 

It's a gawd awful cycle. I'm sorry, lcoxwell. The pain is asphyxiating. No words of wisdom here, just a nodding knowingly.

 

Baylee

[lcoxwell]

Thank you all. While I am so sad that we have to be here together, due to the loss of our loves; I am thankful that there are people, who understand. I have been pretty good at avoiding those triggers and putting off the pain, thus far, but I know the time is quickly approaching, where I will have no choice, but to sort through his belongings. I know it is going to be painful and hard, but I also know it is a necessary step towards healing.

[Ursula]

Sorry , Icoxwell, that you feel bad. Understood.

It happens to me all the time too. If only I could switch off my head then I could be at peace, but I can't. My thoughts trigger me all the time and there is no escape. What else can we do ?  We only have the stuff to hold on to that we have got, damnit, of course we want to look at them, catch a glimpse of someone who was important enough in our lives to send us off spinning in this darkness with no end in sight. Hugs and hope the wave ebbs off soon.

 

[Carey]

"Sometimes I can't help it, I do it anyway. "

 

oh pictures   I'm a bit of a photographer and was never far from a camera for our whole married life.  The photos hurt sooooooooo bad but I'm compelled to look anyway. Or read emails and letters. Or HIS playlist.  This is something I've wanted to talk about here for awhile but I keep forgetting to bring it up.  My best friend says it drives him crazy when I do this. He's forever asking me, why do I do that to myself. It's gotten to the point, he used to be my go-to person when I was struggling with Chad's loss. Now I don't mention it, which is sad, because he's not a DGI. He has been my rock for this whole thing. But I feel ashamed for what it seems to be intentionally hurting myself reminiscing.  Does that make any sense?  So even though he says vent away and I can always come to him, I feel myself holding back now.