9 years today

[MikeR]

Today is 9 years since Cathryn passed away. It seems like a lifetime ago. She has faded quite a bit from my children's memories and, yes, a bit from mine, too.

 

My daughter, who was 4 at the time, has a friend who lost her mother about two years ago. Her friend is still struggling with grief and some of my daughter's other friends suggested that she talk to this girl, "because you understand". My daughter told me about it and then said, "Dad, I don't really understand. I don't really remember mom. I don't think I understood what happened back then."

 

It's true. At 4 years old, she didn't have an understanding of death.Even though she knows her mother "intellectually" - that is, from all the times I told her about her mother, looked at photos and videos, told and retold stories of her life - she doesn't really KNOW her mother. More so, she doesn't feel the grief. Now, that's a good thing for her - so much potential pain that isn't there. But it hurts me to hear it.

 

Early on I struggled with this, knowing that it would happen.After all, how much does anyone remember of their life before 4 years old? I had reconciled it, for the most part. But it still hurts now that it's "official".

 

So, 9 years and she is slowly receding. I don't want that, but I can't stop it from happening. Every year I have taken this day to remember her, visit some of the places that were important to us and to pray for her. But the impact of the day is less than it was last year, and that was less than the year before. I suppose that's good in a way but, again, it hurts.

 

Life is good these days ... but not great. There's something missing. You know. Without a doubt, she was the best thing that ever happened to me so it follows that her death was the worst.

 

It still amazes me how much this one thing affects us - without end. There really is no "getting over" it, is there?

 

Mike

[HvnBound]

I had to reply. Today is my third and I am about to post about my experiences and then will probably take a bit of a break. I admire those wids with kids because I cannot possibly imagine what it is like to have to deal with the grief and with the kids. I just had me to be concerned about. Many hugs to you MikeR!!!

[Mizpah]

she is slowly receding. I don't want that, but I can't stop it from happening.

 

So much of this resonated with me. 

 

In the beginning, I wanted to stop time and curl up permanently in the place closest to him, before time began to efface him and my memory of him.  I wanted time to go on, to alleviate my suffering, but to stop to keep him with me. 

 

My baby's father is a widower, and his son was a bit less than two when his fiancee died.  He's 4 1/2 now, and sometimes looks at stars and says one of them is her, and I think how sad it is that he won't remember her.  It seems maybe he already doesn't, but only remembers remembering her, if that makes sense, or the fact of her death. 

 

Memory is such a strange and bewildering experience. 

[ATJ]

It still amazes me how much this one thing affects us - without end. There really is no "getting over" it, is there?

 

Mike,

 

Yes, "this one thing" keeps following us. Nine years! What an expanse of time spent without that special person closest to your heart. For most of us, I believe, there isn't any "getting over it", we only learn to live with it and try to tuck away that ache deep in the recesses of our soul.

 

I have repeatedly said that time is both our friend and enemy. It does to some extent soften the rawness, but it also lets us feel deeply their growing absence.

 

 

"Death is not a game which will soon be over.

It's the absence of presence,

The endless time of never coming back ...

A gap you can't see, and when the wind blows through it,

It makes no sound..."

 

~~  Tom Stoppard  (British Playwright)

 

 

It is indeed painful when the beloved person slowly fades into a memory, like being on a ship, sailing on the ocean, and slowly watching the shore recede farther into the distance.

 

 

 

 

 

I wish you Peace!

 

ATJ

 

 

[Guest marian1953]

Hi Mike,

 

I remeber so well your posts on ywbb.  Nine years. Your post resonated so much with me. Thinking of you today, my friend.

Marian

[Needytoo]

((Hugs)))

[WifeLess]

Mike,

 

Although your young daughter may not actively remember her mother, I think your dear Cathryn nevertheless has an ongoing presence in her life in countless ways. Who your daughter has become as a person is greatly a product of her mother's loving and caring ways. And not only in early childhood, but even now, as I have personally witnessed how your wife's love and care for her children lives on through you.

 

Peace this day as you pass 9 years.

 

--- WifeLess

[SimiRed]

{{{Hugs}}}  My son was 8 when his Dad passed away.  He remembers some things, but I know most will fade.  I miss that he will not get to really know how great of a man his father was. 

 

I forget too, I remember a lot, but time steals a lot too.

[Grammy]

((((Hugs))))

 

and lots and lots of love.  I am just past 8 years and have found time to be a friend and an enemy.  Wishing you peace and loving happier memories today and always. 

 

<3

Nancy

 

[IfIonlycould]

 

 

 

 

It still amazes me how much this one thing affects us - without end. There really is no "getting over" it, is there?

 

Mike

It amazes me as well Mike and no I don't believe I will ever get over it,  but I am learning to live with it as it walks beside me everyday.  Hugs and peace to you.

[Bluebird]

Hi Mike,

 

I'm sorry we didn't get to see you in person last Sunday so you could at least feel warm widowed hugs from the NJ/PA crew.

 

I think you are right, there is no getting over it. There is only moving forward in life with their loss as a part of each us. .

 

Hugs to you, Bluebird