A New Phase?

[Mac]

It has been almost 33 months since Cindy passed. I have felt her presence so strongly during this time. A strange thing has happened the last few weeks. All of a sudden I feel one additional degree of separation. I don't know why. It doesn't make me sad. Still feeling grateful for much most of the time. It just feels different.

 

[Gabzmom]

I am wondering why you feel that separation. 

 

It was hard for me because it's in rare moments that I feel Rob's presence.  I feel the week after he left this earth, the wind blew and he went on with it.  Yet there are times when he is with us - right as rain?

 

Sending a hug your way although it's not sad for you. 

[Mangomom]

Reposting my response from the old new board

 

Interesting you say that. I am at 31 months and I too am feeling the pain of his void is less. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly, but I find myself looking forward much more than back. And for the first time, when I look forward it is not with longing that he will be at my side. That said... tomorrow might be a whole different ball game

[Mac]

I'm a very spiritual person.  Not sure why that strong spiritual connection to her has faded. Maybe she feels that I'm doing well and she doesn't need to be around anymore.

[Eddienhp]

I felt my husband around a lot in the first two years. It was as if he was still here; I just couldn't see him or talk to him. Then his presence faded over the next year. As a spiritual person, I felt he was hanging around until the dust settled. There were a lot of complicated issue that needed to be resolved after he passed. Tonight as I walked up from the basement, it felt like he had never been here. It seemed like our life together was over decades ago or it was just a dream. It seemed like a fact and didn't seem to bother me. Perhaps he has moved on to where ever he needed to go. I know he will be back if I need him. I know his signs. I saw one last night while I was at the store. I have taken on a huge venture that is risky. I started a nonprofit. It was the last thing I needed with all my other obligations. Yet it is the only thing that will help shape a future of opportunity and independence for my autistic son and others like him. We can't count on the schools or government agencies. They just don't do the right thing. Every time I get overwhelmed or frustrated and threaten to give it up, signs pop up all over the place and good things start to happen. So I believe my husband became my guide or at least one of them.

 

This new phase seems weird. It feels like detachment. Yet I still feel married and committed to him. Its as if we belonged together forever. Some might think that is crazy or I am stuck in grief. I just think it is how it is. I don't go looking for a new relationship. I don't have the time or desire. The reality is most men my age have grown kids. Throw in the special needs and the probable chances get smaller. Its OK. I am content with my life as it is for now. I had a great life with him. It was true love. My life was better because he had been in it.

 

He will be back around when I need him. Mac, your Cindy always be there for you too.

E