Feeling so lonely and lost...

[tmppgh2015]

Why does it seem that after a year and 3 months I shouldn't be feeling worse then I did after the months my husband past away.... The feeling of despair im in is ridiculous and I am having a difficult time pulling myself out of it... I'm trying to make positive changes to my life but just feel bogged down with grief and despair... I posted this to facebook today to try to hold myself accountable to some of the things I want to change within myself.. "So I am sitting here today and have come to realize, I can throw myself in a mental tailspin. The other day I was feeling overwhelmed and a friend suggested I make a list of ?chores? I wanted to accomplish, which I did and have been crossing things off my ?chore? checklist.  However, emotionally I feel I need to make a list of what changes I want to make in my life.  I need to start to look at what I want, instead of what is expected from me.  I want to be honest about what?s right in my life, as well as what needs to be changed.  Sometimes it is easier to give in and not truly look at something that should be changed because no one is comfortable with it, especially me, I?ve gone through too much already, but I need to stop using that as an excuse. I want to be honest about what I want to achieve and who I want to become.  It?s funny I use to be that girl who said what was on her mind.  Since Todd has passed away I have found myself to be more passive aggressive, because I don?t want to hurt people?s feelings.  I need to get back to being more honest and true, rather than afraid to hurt someone.  If you are truly in my life, you will appreciate and accept me for this. Which brings me to, I need to own my choices that I want to make and that I have made, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them.  Yes, I have made choices that I wish I could take back, however, you can?t turn back the clock. I need to learn how to accept this.  I can either take accountability for my life or risk other people doing this, which has happened. I have to remind myself that sometimes it?s ok to admit that I?m in need of a hug.  I need to learn how to be brave enough to open up to those who are there for me by tearing down the emotional brick walls I have built up, because I have learned to protect myself from the feeling of loss and disappointment by building those emotional walls.  This to me is going to be one of the hardest things to do. Trying to protect yourself from pain and loss seems to be the only control you have sometimes.  I need to learn to own my story, I know it can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending my life running from it, which I feel I have done the last year and half, if not longer. Losing your best friend makes your world fall apart, only you can rebuild it and it has to be at your pace.  This is a journey I feel I am ready to begin."

[Mizpah]

I need to get back to being more honest and true

 

It sounds like your internal compass is guiding you right.  Trust your gut. 

 

And don't be so hard on yourself.  I'm four years out.  A little snippet from my life at 15 months: I let a man kiss me for the first time since my DH had died.  My reaction: I scream/sobbed in his mouth/face (yes, I did this, as though he was stealing my purse, I screamed), and turned and ran away.  Ran down the sidewalk crying.  Like a crazy person.  This journey shouldn't be measured in time.  Time becomes irrelevant to the process in so many ways.  Throw "should" out the window.  Who needs that pressure? 

[tmppgh2015]

Thanks for the advice and the story... It does help... A lot... If you haven't gone through this you have no idea... Which is why I switched from FB over to here...

[Virgo]

If you want support, and accountability, from fellow wids there is a topic in the general section called **Daily Goals**. I think it has helped me a lot. It's not just about chore/project goals, but also life changing goals. Just writing out "this is a journey I feel I'm ready to begin" is a big step forward. ((hugs))

[tmppgh2015]

Thanks so much for the suggestion im definitely checking that out!!

[mo12]

We're on a similar timeline.  I've also being feeling the grief a lot recently... Crying often... this morning I cried in the shower (I find this handy since I seem to drool a lot when I grief-cry?  who knew!) and I find myself purposefully listening to songs I know will make me cry, I think I am just trying to feel closer to him again somehow.  I spent about 6 months after he died in the depths of grief and barely able to function- this isn't that at all, but heading into the second year brings its own challenges, and of course it's different for everyone. Not sure what my point is except I hear ya!  Be gentle with yourself, we're all pulling for you.