Involuntarily started to think and feel. Please tell me there is a way to stop

[keeptrying]

Every day I just do. I don?t think, try not to feel, just do. I get by and do the best that I can. Before I had our baby two weeks ago, I started to panic.. and my brain shut down. I love it like that. A few days later, I found myself ?feeling? and involuntarily thinking, which made me break down badly. I worried that I snapped into reality and I was going to stay like this.. Emotionally hurting beyond words.  I got a call from the police station saying that the photographs of my husband were there to pick up. My brain went back into sleep mode. ? I LOVE that mode. I can function. I still cry, I still hurt and thoughts pop up in my head, but I can cry it out and then tell myself, no worries, he will be home and carry on. I want to forget everything. I thought about going to a hypnotherapist to forget that he ever existed.  I don?t want to be reminded of all the good things, because it hurts. My relationship was fantastic, so that makes it hard because I want to dwell on something negative and use it to push myself forward. Instead, I know I lost something that is irreplaceable. I am afraid of waking up one day from this fog and feeling the immense pain. I had a slight day or two of it, and it was physically, emotionally, everything terrifying. Is there a way I can turn that off? Is there a way I can stay in my zombie mode so I can function? I don?t want to involuntarily have my brain go into reality mode. I need to make it stop when I start to feel it. Is that even possible? If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! The hurt is just unbearable.

[serpico]

I'm sorry to tell you that 'sleep mode' may feel good compared to facing reality, but you're going to have to dig through the muck and the mire of grief before you can truly come out the other side.  I don't think it's healthy - or even possible - to live the entire rest of your life in sleep mode.  I hope this didn't sound harsh because I think I know where you're coming from, but I also think you've got to do the grief work or you'll just be postponing the inevitable.

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, KT. It truly does feel unbearable. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I understand your feelings about the hypnosis. I went thru a few weeks where I was obsessed with a movie I saw years ago called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" in which a couple break up and then have their memories of each other erased. I felt terrible at the idea of erasing my T, but simultaneously felt desperate for relief from the pain.

 

One thing I had to do was stay in the present. I actually still have to do this even at 2 years out. Anytime I let myself consider the future ahead without him, the pain is just too intense. So I really have had to focus on just getting through each day, sometimes each hour or minute earlier on like you are. I don't think the pain can be avoided, but it can be broken down into more manageable chunks. I have felt on many occasions that I just couldn't stand the pain, yet I have managed to do so. You will as well, even if that might feel impossible now.

 

I'm glad I wasn't able to find a way to erase my memories of T. I've reached a place (farther out that you are, remember) where remembering him brings me comfort instead of always just searing pain. I still have very painful times, don't get me wrong. Times that still literally take my breath away. I just had one this evening when a song on the radio which I have always loved gave me such a pain in my heart when I remembered dancing to it with T I immediately broke down into tears that lasted for an hour. To think that we'll never dance together again... well I had to shut that "never again" down and just allow myself to give in to the sorrow for a while. But the pain isn't as constant as it was earlier on now. I realize that the hope that it won't always feel so bad doesn't do a whole lot to ease the pain right now, though. I wish I knew a way to make it less excruciating for you right now.

 

Just know that we understand how painful it is. This is a place where when that reality hits you, you can come and find an understanding shoulder to cry on. I know it may not seem like much, but I credit having the ywbb and now this resource for helping me make it through days I truly thought I might not.

 

Sending you love and more hugs...

 

 

 

 

 

[mo12]

Did you say you had a baby two weeks ago?? Girl, it is a crazy time.  You need to be able to function and the fog helps with that. Reality has a way of coming around-  it's true that at some point you need to wade through the grief, but you don't have to do it all at once.  What helped me (somewhat) when I was dealing with a new baby and overwhelming grief was to practice feeling in short spurts without "going down the rabbit hole" (the nasty spiral of thinking about the future, thoughts of hopelessness, trying to make it all make sense... it doesn't make sense, it just doesn't.)  Feeling is good, but thinking too much can be just too overwhelming.  Another thing that helped was to talk to DH, out loud and writing... I wrote entire journals full.  A wonderful grief counselor told me early on that our bodies know what to do, know how to get through grief, we just have to allow ourselved to feel it and know that it will lighten in time.  Once my little one was a bit bigger and I had more help I felt more free to really let myself grieve. Not sure if this is all making sense... so please ask for clarification and I'll try!  It was many months for me before I could feel the grief and have a good cry without becoming so depressed I couldn't function. But it does happen, it will become not so scary, the memories of him will be welcome and not as painful. You also don't have to do it alone... a grief counsellor, posting here, crying with friends- it can help to feel safe when you let yourself "go there."

[Jen]

Hugs, hugs, HUGS. I wish I had something better to offer. I keep thinking back to an old episode of Star Trek, where Spock removes the memory of a particularly painful loss of Kirk's. In the long run, I don't *think* I'd really want to have amnesia, but when the pain hits-- and sometimes it's so intense I can't catch my breath-- I would give just about anything to be able to have my memories removed, or modified. Where's a Pensieve when you need one?

 

More hugs, hon. And ditto what Mo said about the postpartum period-- your hormones are on a roller coaster anyway, so your emotions are as well. Add grief to that-- oh, hon. I'm so sorry. Be gentle with yourself, and snuggle that sweet new baby.

[Virgo]

My husband was away at the police academy for the first three months of our oldest daughter's life. Thankfully he was able to come home on the weekends. It was rough being alone with her, especially being a first time mom. I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions you're feeling. Not to mention the exhaustion of having a newborn to care for. I can see why you want to zone out. I think we all do that somewhat in the beginning to protect ourselves from grieving. Grief comes in waves. You're not going to be able to avoid it forever, but it will come as you're ready to deal with it. I really thought 'just take it one day at a time' was lame advice when I heard it, but it's true. It really helped me. ((hugs))

[Ursula]

Dear keeptrying, I am so sorry. Yes that pain, and the wish to unknow, unfeel, unsee ... I am over a year, probably a year and a half, I have stopped counting, because it depresses me even more and it is so futile,  but I remember well the beginning of this crap trip. I can't imagine what it is like with a newborn, I had an almost 2 year -old and that was hard enough, but I was glad I had him, because it gave me purpose and I could feel love for our son, at least.

It helped me when I realized, that the 'moment by moment' , 'day by day' actually worked, once I was slightly out of the first stupor, which took about three months. I still live by it, I still cannot think into the future and I get immensely depressed if I do, hopeless and so sad, but I keep going on. It just happens.

I think you cannot keep pretending, but take your time to face reality. just as SVS said above, if you divide it into smaller portions, it may be easier digested..??  And it does get easier to manage the pain.  I never believed it, when people told me in the beginning, but it does, somehow.

Come here if you feel lost and hopeless. I have found this place the best help I got. And if you find a counselor that suits you, that helped me too. They help you see things from a different perspective, I find that good.

You are not alone, and you can do this. I have no words of wisdom but it does get a bit easier. It will always hurt, I believe, but you learn to handle the pain ...(even if that is not really a very promising state of mind either...). Hugs to you.