Rambling

[Momtojandj]

I'm sure I'm going to ramble .. I knew when I met John , we would be together and get married. I never second guessed his feelings for me.

I'm with guy since last August , and due to his kids and his back issues, some days I hear less from him . And I'm gonna say it, it annoys me . I go thru cycles.. Most times all is great , others not sure what he wants or where I stand. Could be me.. Who knows.. I want the fairy tale, where I don't question and just know in my gut .

Had a sucky day , I feel sick , had a horrible panic attack, and was in pain due to having ulcerative colitis, and my bodies reaction to the pain is to throw up . So stuck at the baseball field bathrooms for an hour tonight.

I want him here, to hold me, get me something to help me feel better . I want it all . I want to feel secure, and stop analyzing and second guessing . But I'm not ready to walk away, but I don't see him as my next chapter . I want to tell him all this , but to me it's there from both parties or not. Sigh .. Was dating just easier in our 20's?

[Hunter]

I would not say dating was necessary easier when we were younger, but more that we were completely different people then.  Add on top of that when we were younger the only past either person had was their childhood.  Now take those back issues from his divorce, what you are bringing in with you from your experience, and add in the children who have their own personalities and issues they are trying to deal with the best they can....it is a challenge.  Hugs lady.

 

My new lady's son is 14.  Normally he is a good kid, but there are times when I have to act like a Zen monk with him.

 

If it does not feel right to you, and you have talked to him about this, then either enjoy your time for a bit with him knowing it is just a casual thing....or move on.  I took a lot of what the ladies here told me to heart about relationships and burnt through quite a few dates before I was able to find the right one.

[Captains wife]

I hear you and had similar issues- it was so much easier when dating my late husband as he was so emotionally open. New guy- not so much although I know he cares about me a lot. And it sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you. I have come to realize that dating post widow is so different than when I dated before. There is more emotional baggage as we get older, it's not just us but kids are involved, we as adults have evolved generally in terms of what we want. And the  togetherness we had in married life is suddenly gone and when we look for it from our new partner it's not quite there. And it's frustrating when we don't get the same support but then again we are dating, not married. I felt when I was younger, dating had a path- meet, potentially fall in love, move in together, maybe get married, maybe have kids. But at my age, most of the us have been through that already so not necessarily rushing to do it again. My relationship is moving at a turtle's pace and I used to be frustrated, didn't think he cared but I have become comfortable with it - and actually prefer it now as still grieving and trying to raise my 4 year old. If you are really frustrated by the lack of communication I would sit down with your boyfriend and have a rational discussion about it. Maybe he doesn't see things the same way, understand what you need. Also it's really important that you potentially want the same things in the future out of your relationship and although it's a hard discussion to have, it's really key. If it's the case that you don't think this is the person for you in the long run, that's something you will need to think about and decide - and then talk to him as he may be in a different place. None of this is easy so I wish you all the best. It does just seem more complicated than before- sigh.

[StillWidowed]

I feel that when you're with someone that wants to be with you, he has both feet in the relationship. If there are days where you don't know where you stand or what he wants, that's a surefire indicator that he isn't fully invested in you.  Sometimes we want to make excuses for behavior.  Is it me?  Am I doing something wrong because I've just been thru a traumatic event?  Yet if you ask other wids that have found love, the relationship may have had some push pull moments, but ultimately, they knew the other person wanted them and was in it for the long haul.  If you know he's not your Chapter 2 and you're ok with the time you do have together doing things, then I say by all means keep him around.  But if you're unhappy and feel like the relationship for the most part, is on his terms, then you need to decide what is best for YOUR emotional health and healing heart.  Some are strong enough to have feelings but know it's only for the time being, and others aren't.  They invest their emotions and heart, thinking they can walk away down the road, only to have been hurt even more than if they walked away when their gut told them to.  Only you can decide.

 

[Sugarbell]

He maybe totally vested and into the relationship....it just may not be in his make up to do the untiring things you are used to.

 

I have learned.....that sometimes if things don't work out-it's not because of the other person not being into me or vice versa...Bur what we need from relationships are totally different things.

 

I am not a texter...I don't want a guy texting or calling me all day. Some women do. There is nothing wrong with either way. My new guy...some women would think he's too distant...but it's what I need and works for us. It wouldn't necessarily work for other women.

 

It's what you need and your comfort with the relationship. I would discuss it with him..he maybe unaware...he maybe able to give you more..he may not.

 

Yes this is much more complicated in your 40s than 20s. Lordy yes!

[Carey]

I can't say any more than what others already have except to add that yes, I truly do feel dating now is almost work.  We're exhausted emotionally, and with kids and work  we are exhausted physically too.  Younger, you didn't have so much "LIFE" to keep running, so you could devote more attention and time to Love... that person was everything, even if only for a little while. Now you have to spread yourself out more, and conversely, so do they.  I guess I'd just want to know the degree of truth to the "busy with kids" as the reason why hes out of touch at times.  If it is, then that's totally understandable. I COULD say, oh well talk to him, tell him how you feel but that's advice I'd probably never follow myself lol.  I also feel that it's not worth investing a lot of time in someone if I already know they're not going to be "the one". I feel like I'm running out of time so to speak, so I want it to count.

[Lisa]

Dating sucked for me before him and after him. It was good with him because he loved me unconditionally. I never felt insecure. I always knew where I stood. He wasnt as lucky with me until the relationship stage.

I agree wuth stillwidowed.

I dont know the answer for you but I can relate to the feelings and I feel for you. Hugs.

 

[lcoxwell]

Maybe I am an oddball (or maybe I have been fortunate to find good men in both my Kenneth and my New Guy), but I much prefer dating now to dating in my 20s. There's just something about being with a "grown up" man in his 40s, who has his act together, and who knows what he wants in life, that truly just "does it", for me. Admittedly, I also have more confidence and make smarter decisions about who I date now, than when I was in my 20s, so that helps, too.

 

I agree with what Sugarbell said. Maybe what you and your New Guy need in a relationship are two different things, and maybe it isn't in his make up to give you what you need and want. Then again, maybe you were just having a bad day, as you said, and it caused you to question things. It happens.

 

If we are all honest, even in the very best of relationships and marriages, no spouse or significant other can give us 100% of what we need, 100% of the time. Only you can truly know what's right for you, but my advice would be to look at whether New Guy meets your needs and gives you what you want MOST of the time. If so, then maybe it isn't time to walk away, just yet. If not, then maybe what you said, "I don't see him as my next chapter", tells you all you need to know.

[Momtojandj]

So many good points, dating my husband .. We didn't have kids, or ex, or baggage .. So to speak. We could spend all our time together , and we knew we were on a path . Marriage , home, kids etc.

Now? No more kids.. I'm not dating to remarry ( can't anyway pensions) . I'm running one way with kids, him as well . I can't even be sure I want to live with someone again. I'm not moving until last kid is in college (3years ) , he isn't moving from his area , his youngest is 6.

However , when I spend time with him and his kids , I love it .. I always wanted a lot of kids and like the busyness of it all. I see how he can't text or call me a lot.. It's crazy there sometimes. He tells me when I do bring it up, just call me .

When I say I don't see him as my next chapter .. It's because I think in my head, I want to travel in a few years , downsize my house etc. he can't do any of that for a lot longer . His youngest is also a handful . Another however.. Life is short.. I might never find what I think is ideal . I enjoy what I have with him. He's there for me and my kids 100percent. So for now , I hope to stop questioning and just enjoy. Time will tell and I hope I will have the wisdom to walk away if I really think some of these things are deal breakers.

[Trying]

Dating is most definitely harder when both people have kids still at home.  Kids take up a lot of of time obviously but they also take up a lot of love and attention.  We can't focus all of our free time and thoughts on a love interest.  We worry about our kids, we have hopes and dreams for our kids, we want to teach our kids, make memories with them.  When dating younger and before kids all of that energy goes into the romantic relationship. 

 

I struggle with not being able to be "everything" to my new guy.  My kids come first.  They are my priority.  I make decisions based on what is best for them.  Their struggles can over shadow everything else.  Their milestones and accomplishments are my greatest joy.

 

When new guy had a minor medical procedure this week, I drove him, stayed in the waiting, brought him home, fed him, tucked him into bed and had to leave him.  I stopped back briefly in the evening and left him again.  I would have loved to have been there more for him but I have other responsibilities and it leaves me feeling torn.

 

He is divorced and shares custody so he has more time for me.  His kids are much younger than mine so if we stay together the tides will turn eventually and I will be free while he is still tied down.

 

My ramble offers no advice, just understanding.  If it's right you will make it work and make sacrifices.  If it's not right the resentments will grow.  I wish you clarity as you figure it all out.

[fairlanegirl]

 

However , when I spend time with him and his kids , I love it .. I always wanted a lot of kids and like the busyness of it all. I see how he can't text or call me a lot.. It's crazy there sometimes. He tells me when I do bring it up, just call me .

When I say I don't see him as my next chapter .. It's because I think in my head, I want to travel in a few years , downsize my house etc. he can't do any of that for a lot longer . His youngest is also a handful . Another however.. Life is short.. I might never find what I think is ideal . I enjoy what I have with him. He's there for me and my kids 100percent. So for now , I hope to stop questioning and just enjoy. Time will tell and I hope I will have the wisdom to walk away if I really think some of these things are deal breakers.

This all sounds pretty good to me. One thing we learn over time is that no one person can fulfil our every need - you can still travel in a few years for example, maybe with a girlfriend, alone, on a tour.

[Momtojandj]

Fairlanegirl... Thank you , you are right.. Maybe travel with some wid friends as well :-)

[Guest mawidow]

Great thread. I am resonating with a few themes:

- new guy is wonderful, but is raising two small kids. I need to be creative about how I get my needs met (do things with friends, get stimulation from going back to school, take time for my own life, etc.)

- it is slowly dawning on me that I have wicked fear of abandonment. No matter how reassuring he is when we are together, I still have thoughts about him being less invested in me than I know him to truly be. This is my widowbrain hijacking me. But after losing a "sure thing" with my husband - I knew he would want to be with til the end - nothing else feels solid. I try not to let that stop me from trusting and committing, but it rears it's little head regularly. Something that triggers it is that new guy had a more, um, colorful relationship past than DH. DH and I were together and monogamous from a young age - so I worry that new guy is less committed than DH was.

- people are incomparable and irreplaceable. New guy does sweet things that have a flavor all their own. He is less available than DH was, but that's just adult life - getting two grownups together is like meshing two tornadoes.

 

Sending best wishes all around.