MissingSquish Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I know I need to get out there and date in order to find my next great love. But inside right now, my heart is screaming at me how much I still miss Squish. I've been alone for most of the past 3 years. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of returning home after a date (even if it has gone well), and I think how much I still miss him. How much I want to experience that incredible chemistry that I have had before. It's not happening for me at all. It hasn't happened since he's died. I know I have to keep on keeping on with all of this. I'm trying so hard. I'm tired of feeling so empty all of the time though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I could ramble off all of the cliches that we normally hear, "you'll know when it's right" "it will happen when you least expect it to" "you're trying to hard (or not hard enough.)" Blah, blah, blah. I'll just say that I know how you feel. I can't imagine being alone the rest of my life, but I can't imagine being with anyone else either. I haven't dated yet, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I would love to go out and have a nice conversation with a man. The physical attention would be nice too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Sending you hugs, MS. I haven't thought about dating anyone else yet, but I do understand still missing someone so deeply. The feeling of emptiness is so tiring. Tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanGenie Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Need to reply because I can so relate to what you all are saying. MS, I give you lots of credit for even dating. That thought terrifies me. I would just like to find someone by it magically happening. We meet casually, become friends, and then he professes his love for me (yes, I watch too many romcom!). But it depends on the day or the moment how I feel. I can so relate to what Virgo says--I can't imagine being alone the rest of my life, but I can't imagine being with anyone else either. But the attention of a man--but mental and physical--would be nice. I do dream that this may happen someday so I guess that's a good thing. That at 2 years out, I'm realizing I'm actually open to this. Terrified at the same time too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 MS, I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. At 2 years out, I'm still in love with my husband, and just don't know how to open my heart to others. I feel like I'm living "Groundhogs Day" every single day. It's the same day, over and over again. Here's hoping that we all find true happiness again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 Thanks for all of the hugs and support. I wish I had more to say in response, but I don't right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I get this when I think about spending 40 years by myself it is so overwhelming. Yet even with dating I have a hard time thinking of spending more the a few hours with anyone. I can be personable, and friendly. Yet guys typically boar me quickly. I need a guy who has a life of his own. That seems harder to find then you would think. I'm also rather picky and that doesn't help. I miss Dow, and I really don't like dating, not seeing any other options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Personally, I have to admit, taking care of a terminally ill man for 13 years was HARD. I truly spent years thinking that, once Kenneth was gone, I would happily spend the rest of my days alone. I even fantasized about having a small, studio apartment somewhere. It would be inexpensive, easy to clean, and would allow me to travel and have time to enjoy my life. I figured I had been with the great love of my life, even though it was just for a short while, and that would be enough to carry me through, after he was gone. The idea of dating never would have even occurred to me, had Kenneth not insisted I date again and had he not made me promise him, over and over, that I would. Once Kenneth was gone, I realized he knew me far better than I knew myself. I was not made to be alone. I hate everything about being alone. I did start dating, relatively soon, and New Guy and I have taken things slowly, just as everyone says we should. My problem is, I sometimes (not always, just sometimes) get really tired of moving at a snail's pace. Sometimes, I want to move forward much faster, than we are. I want to spend my life with New Guy, and to be a wife again, not just be talking about "one day" getting married (which we have been doing, for months). I am beginning to feel impatient and want to stomp my foot, like a petulant child, and tell my man we've waited long enough, now. It is so hard to deal with that dichotomy of longing for our spouses and wanting to find new love, of not wanting to be alone anymore yet not wanting to have to deal with all the hard work and painstaking efforts to be in a new relationship. It all just sucks, but kudos to all of you for trying, or not, based on what you feel you are capable of handling, at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I disagree with you Barney. The definition of happiness is your actions aligning with your goals. My goal is to find another mate. I am about as happy as I can be without someone to love, that is what is missing in my life. Dating is a means to my goal. I'm not going to sit and wait for fate and chance to bring someone great into my life. That's like playing the lottery and expecting that it will sustain you reliably for the rest of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I disagree with you Barney. The definition of happiness is your actions aligning with your goals. My goal is to find another mate. I am about as happy as I can be without someone to love, that is what is missing in my life. Dating is a means to my goal. I'm not going to sit and wait for fate and chance to bring someone great into my life. That's like playing the lottery and expecting that it will sustain you reliably for the rest of your life. I loved being married for 25 years but I love the freedom of being single at this stage of my life. Maybe if I had gotten those 25 years, I'd feel similarly. But I got 3.5 years and lost him at 27, right as I was wanting to begin the starting-a-family/putting-down-roots stage of my life with my husband. MS, I'm with you. I knew from my early 20s, I was happiest as the other half of of a whole. I loved being married. I would have loved to been able to rack up 20+ years worth of anniversaries. I might have gotten the family, the home, the future I wanted - at least for a little while. Maybe if I had gotten that experience the first time around and I would be less eager to try for another go-round. But at this stage of my life - at almost 30 - I'm still looking to start my "grown-up" life with a mate for the FIRST time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Maybe a cliche but dating and relationships cannot be forced. I never felt that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. 8) I do agree Barney. Been happy both single and in a relationship (last 4 years) Been miserable both single and in a relationship (first 4 years) If I am not happy with me-No one or nothing can bring me peace/happiness. Not saying people should just sit around and wait for prince/princess charming to just fall into your lap. But I focused on myself (hobbies, work, interests, travel) kids and home...And it just happened: And if it doesn't work out for some reason...I will be hurt...but will be ok. But I sound like a broken record and I know it's annoying to hear that stuff-but that's my philosophy on it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 I feel the same as MrsTim. I didn't even get 1 anniversary with Squish. In August, I will have been widowed longer than I knew him. I passed the widowed longer than I was married at 8 months out. I didn't have kids with him. I'd like to have kids. Maybe I would have felt differently about moving forward if I had children or more time with him. I've been mostly celibate for the last 3 years. I hate it. I am incapable of having a FWB situation. Tried it in college, and it never worked for me. I long for true intimacy in addition to sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think it must be very different for those in their 20's or early 30's who were just starting out with maybe dreams of starting a family with their love. If that is what you want I think you do have to more actively look for a mate. At my age it's gravy on top. I have a family and even if I remarry some day I won't get back that normal family that I had. But when you're young, you have the opportunity to start a family with someone new. It won't change missing the love you lost but it will give you a chance to have the type of life you want. That's complicated enough for someone single but for a widow is even more so. I'm sure it's hard to put yourself out there and weed thru the poor matches but if if it's what you want the effort will pay off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think it must be very different for those in their 20's or early 30's who were just starting out with maybe dreams of starting a family with their love. If that is what you want I think you do have to more actively look for a mate. At my age it's gravy on top. I have a family and even if I remarry some day I won't get back that normal family that I had. But when you're young, you have the opportunity to start a family with someone new. It won't change missing the love you lost but it will give you a chance to have the type of life you want. That's complicated enough for someone single but for a widow is even more so. I'm sure it's hard to put yourself out there and weed thru the poor matches but if if it's what you want the effort will pay off. Very good point Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tmwenger Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I am young and we did not get to have the family we dreamed of.... But I go back and forth. Sometimes I really can't imagine not getting remarried and other times I think maybe adoption would be the better option. I have always wanted to adopt and my husband and I talked about adopting after we had kids of our own, so it is not a new thought. But if I go that route I do not have to think about ever finding someone new...But again do I never want to be in love again? See back and forth. Good thing I do not have to decide right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Good thing I do not have to decide right now. I say this alot! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brett39 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 As a widower with three young children, the idea of dating seems particularly daunting, although I cannot imagine being alone for the next 30/40 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Dating and relationships can't be forced but they don't happen by magic either. And while it's perfectly possible to be happy single or coupled, you are the best judge of which works for you. And that can change with tiime. When I was younger, I hated being single but as I hit my 30's, I began to like it and I wasn't really sure I wanted to give it up when I met LH. I waffled a bit in the beginning before jumping into that relationship and then marrying. I was married only a very short time really as LH's illness meant that nearly half our marriage was really just me, caretaking and holding things together without anything meaningful from him, so I felted cheated and I felt that being married was definitely something I needed to do again because it suited me better than going back to being single. It was about where I was in my life and what I needed. A relationship, or not, should ideally be about what you need and want and finding someone whose needs and wants align. You can't sit back passively and expect single life to be all you want. You have to make that happen. Same is true with dating and recoupling. It requires a bit (or more) of effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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