Guest Lost35 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 It's been seven years (almost), the lawsuits are over, the therapists have been exhausted. Now there is a book. And a book tour. And an author with a "life's mission". (Thank you for thinking of telling me.) Back to day three or four and I've come to the conclusion that sometimes, there simply is no healing, no closure, no end, no kind thoughts about everything, no wisdom. Sometimes, there is only and ever day one, over and over again. And over and over and over again... And what are we to do, those of us who live day one every day? The fight is exhausting. Surely, there is a way to walk away from this acknowledging and embracing there is simply no next life; no second chapter? What if Chapter One never ends? What do we do? How do we raise our children and get up in the morning? How does this work? Chapter One lives on for eternity, now what? There must be some validation for allowing that some things remain unhealed and unacknowledged and in life, isn't that okay? What if it never ends and never should and how do you live with that? The burden of fixing everything is insurmountable some days. There must be a way to just understand that sometimes, there is no way to fix things and make them right. But how? Is there anyone out there any further out who can help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Tight hugs to you, Lost. I'm not further out, so I can't answer your question in that respect. I can relate to rolling similar questions around in my head and the resulting pain and fear. More hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Totally relatable. Sometimes, there is no answer, reason, or logic, no matter how desperately they are sought by us or folks around us. I don't suppose I'll ever heal from this loss, or secure the answers to a few questions that still haunt me. If I held out hope to obtain healing or those answers, I may be waiting indefinitely. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biscuit Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I'm only five months out so I most definitely cannot provide any advice, but I really think you nailed the experience on the head. It really feels like living day by day, over and over again, with no relief in a way that exhausts you. So I suppose, in response to your question, that there is some acceptance of this life that needs to happen, but I too have no idea how this is done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Chapter One lives on for eternity, now what? There must be some validation for allowing that some things remain unhealed ? What if it never ends ?and how do you live with that? There must be a way to just understand that sometimes, there is no way to fix things and make them right. But how? "Life is going on, however, You are lost. You are lost in this world all of your own, A world that seems to be perfect chaos." ~~ Unknown Author (((Lost35))) I am one of those 'further out' and know how it feels to be "lost in my own world that seems to be perfect chaos" - an aberrant world, beyond control, insight, reconciliation. By nature I am a resolute "fixer" with fierce determination to fight against the greatest odds. I got a lot of practice during my husband's long cancer battle. But, with a sudden, heavy blow, (gunshot), life came to an abrupt halt, and the surrounding circumstances were "chaotic", casting long, dark shadows to follow me wherever I went. My inherent nature wanted to fight back, but it felt like trying to slay a mythical giant monster with many arms and heads. With each blow, the beast grew more heads - a seemingly never-ending battle. After walking down this very long road, I have learned that some things simply are Not conquerable, Not fixable! This realization resulted in a blazing inferno and ensued in a long series of tumultuous, often conflicting feelings - furious anger, resentment, denial, withdrawal, weariness, exhaustion, desolation, capitulation, sporadic nascent hope, resignation - ever changing emotions, like colors and patterns in a kaleidoscope, and often going in circular motion. A great inner battle erupted after facing the utter futility of my attempts to "fix it". My emotions passionately protested: "This is Unacceptable!" - Reason argued: "What choice do you have?" - "Make peace with the Unacceptable!" - Two warring sides, neither willing to concede nor surrender. YES, St. Francis of Assisi, I hear you!! You've devised an inspirational and impressive prayer, indeed. BUT, for a "non-saint" it is very difficult to successfully practice. I have had the COURAGE to change the things I could. I even found the WISDOM to know the difference. But I still can NOT serenely acquiesce and accept some things that are not acceptable. "Silly child!", you say. "How long will it take for you to learn?" Reluctantly I have to admit: "You are right, I am a slow learner!" Someone else wrote a slightly different version of this prayer, and I find it SOMEWHAT easier to follow that particular train of thought, even though it may merely be semantics: Some things can Never be "acceptable" to me. However, I have fought too long of a losing battle and have wearily come to see its futility. Therefore my least objectionable choice is trying to REMOVE myself - Walking Away from the "Unfixable" and "Unacceptable" with its myriad facets. I am diligently working on the latter, trying to reach at least a permanent "Accord of Détente", but it is HARD work and takes daily resolve! While it does not grant me satisfaction, I seek to at least feel less torment and eventually reach some kind of enduring peace. It is not "a Win", but a Compromise. In business terms: It's the "best deal" I can negotiate! - Sometimes in life that's all we CAN do. I wish you eventual Peace! ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 No words of advice here on this side of the country either, just wanted to say thank you for this post. I'm 19 mos out but it's day one over and over again here as well. It is exhausting, and I can't seem to find my way out from under it. ((Lost35)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patriciad Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I am six years out. I don't have any pearls of wisdom here. I have made a Chapter 2 and on most days I am relatively content. I have a man who loves me and whom I love dearly. We have a wonderful(often challenging) bunch of young adults who live with us. I find it remarkable how often I still think of DH. I think of how I had once imagined my life would be. I think of all that he is missing. I think of all the things I still want to tell him. I think of the life that we were supposed to have. I relive moments-dr appointments, diagnoses, special "last time we did this" type of things. I think of all of the things I would have done differently. I am a fixer too and I wasn't able to "fix" him. Some days I do not accept that. I believe this grieving will always be a work in progress for me. I don't believe that a day will come when I can tie it up with a ribbon and be done. I find that the most difficult part-it will never be over. It does get easier and I can incorporate this grief into my new life. But that missing him and still wanting him here-I don't think that will ever completely go away. I just don't see that ever happening. I try to live by those words of wisdom-accepting things I can not change, changing things I can and wisdom to know the difference. It is difficult to do but something to guide me. ((( Lost35))) Unfortunately I understand completely. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I feel like this widow life, this pain and grieving is my chapter 2 and I am impatient and wanting to skip ahead to chapter 3, where life gets easier and happiness outweighs sadness. I can go through some days acting like I have it together, dealing with every day decisions and even making some major changes. I get to the point where I'm almost convinced that I am pulling it together when I get slammed back into my reality and the sadness hits or the anxiety attacks again. You're right, it is exhausting. I'm not as far out and have no words of wisdom to offer you. I'm beginning to realize that I need to adjust my expectations for chapter 2. I believe I can have more than fleeting moments of happiness and that my motivation will return some day but there is no way it will ever be the what it was and I need to stop trying to force it to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I am not as far out, so I cannot offer advice, from that perspective. What I can say, most assuredly, is that not every part of our lives can be explained, gotten over, healed, or moved on from. Not everything in life is fixable. Sometimes, learning to do the best we can with the pieces left, even though the pieces are still shattered, and our hearts are still broken, is the very best that can be done. Sometimes, learning to carry on, even if we are just going through the motions, or endlessly repeating the day before, there mere fact that we continue to carry one from one day to the next, is the healing, and that's okay. It may not be what we had wanted or expected, but it is okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I feel like I still need to be at his side, defending and protecting him, but now I don't even know where "he" is. This morning, I was hugging a sad little boy on our couch who wanted to know why I got to spend time with Daddy and he didn't. Everything is in such a disarray, and this is completely normal, which should seem abnormal, right? I want to have one day, one single day, when there is a little boy and his Dad and no book tour and no moment on the couch. Just one day. Or an hour. Or five minutes. Five minutes when P. gets to know he's a Dad and his son gets to be loved and love back. Why can't I get this through my head that it's not possible? I need to walk away. But I can't. I need to stop wanting this to be, but I don't know how. It hurts that the people I love, can't have a moment to love each other... Thank you all for your responses. I think about them all. And it helps. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Lost35 is the book tour for a book about your husband's death? if so I can see why that would thrust you right back to day 1. It's heartbreaking that your son doesn't have his Dad by his side and that he is of an age now to understand that this makes him different. I think seeing what our children are missing and that we have no way to fix if for them, is the hardest part. I wish their was a pause button, so you could step away from your loss and take a vacation to refresh yourself from the day to day exhaustion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 You summed up how I feel just about perfectly... and I am so, so sorry that anyone else feels like this. I wish I knew the solution. I wish there was a fix. I don't think there is, at least for me. It's not even so much about missing my husband (though I do, of course-- every minute!), it's more that I miss *our life*. Even if it wasn't much different than this one, it was anchored and underpinned by the basic fact that somebody loved me-- not because he had to, not because blood and obligation made him, but just for me, and that made all the difference in the world. Because of that incontrovertible truth, I felt safe, secure, and confident in who I was, what my role in life was. Now I'm adrift, lost and confused, and I have no hope that it will ever really get better. In the past week I've heard each of my kids express some variation on the phrase "I don't have a dad now." It rips my heart out every single time. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to take their dad away. I would bring him back in a heartbeat, if I could. I don't know what to do for them, and I don't know what to do for myself. This all just sucks. ((((Hugs)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linda5 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Lost, it broke my heart hearing your little boy wanted some time with his Daddy. Being able to comfort your child and try to turn those negative feelings into positive feelings for your child must be heart wrenching for you. When I saw that you were 7 years out, it made me realize that these feelings I have at 2 years out will always be with me. I guess we just learn to mask our feelings more in front of others. I'm assuming the book tour is for you? If so, congratulations! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I found out about the book last week. It showed up in my FB newsfeed and was in the media. It is about the accident. Graphic details. Things I know now that I never wanted to know, but I guess sometimes decisions are made for you, regardless. There was "no time to scream", so that's something, isn't it? Back to day one. Wanting to run away again. But it hasn't worked for seven years so I just don't see the point. I wish I could protect my son from this when he's older, but that is impossible. Sorry to be so bleak. It's just exhausting all over again and I'm tired. Thanks for your responses, Everyone. -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Oh Lost, I can't imagine what a book like that would do to you. Knowing with the internet that your son will be able to access more details than he should ever know someday must make you feel out if control. Hopefully you will be able to protect him as long as possible and continue to answer his questions in an age appropriate way as he grows so he doesn't start searching elsewhere for answers. Big hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 ... Things I know now that I never wanted to know... Back to day one. Wanting to run away again... It's just exhausting all over again and I'm tired. "It isn't for the moment we are struck that we need courage, but for the long uphill battle to faith, sanity, and security." ~~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh (((L.))) I can certainly understand why you must feel so very weary and tired. Especially when there are complicating factors involved in the surrounding circumstances, it can feel like walking through an endless minefield. It robs one of any sense of security and constancy, and the setbacks can come swiftly and strike at lightning speed. Each new round chips away at our protective armor and leaves us vulnerable again and again. I do know the feeling! This road is long, treacherous and unpredictable, and it takes enormous resolve to keep going, especially after repeated setbacks. I am walking at your side. Lean on me! Sending you Strength and Courage on the wings of hope! Thinking of you and standing with you in solidarity! ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lost35 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 ATJ, (D.), You are most certainly an empath. I will lean on you, if you don't mind. I need it at the moment and have nowhere else to turn. In return, I'll offer the same, someday when this is too much for you. What an enormous gift this site is. It is the difference between looking into the abyss and staring out of it, towards something, just something, many days... I am lifted out of complete despair often, by complete strangers. Just this knowledge is enough to allow for continued faith in humanity and in the opportunity to survive the most difficult and darkest of days. I appreciate you all, more than I could ever say. There may never be an end, but at least, there is good company... -L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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