“You have to think about yourself, too.”

[MrsT85]

Warning: This is a long and fairly disjointed stream-of-consciousness post, as a lot has been on my mind in the lead-up to my wedding...apologies in advance, but as so many others have also said, this is just something I need to get out and I'm not sure where else I can go where people might understand...

 

“You have to think about yourself, too.”

 

My fiancé said this to me yesterday after I came home from a birthday visit with Tim’s mother and grandmother in tears AGAIN.  I don’t go over there often because it’s really really hard for multiple reasons.  One – she’s incredibly passive and always has been, so she’s never been the one to reach out and ask for help or extend the invitation for a visit.  This (understandably) got much worse when Tim died.  Two – she still lives in the house in which Tim grew up.  That he was living in when we met, and where I would spend huge chunks of time during our first three years dating before we moved in together.  So being there without him…bluntly, there are not many places in the world where his absence is more conspicuous.  Three – his grandmother ALWAYS delivers a terrible emotional gut-punch to me whenever I’m there.  She’s 90, so she and everyone else assures me it’s not something she’s doing on purpose, but good fucking lord does it always just break me down.  Last time I was there, she asked me if I loved my new guy as much as I loved Tim.  This time, she said, “I don’t want to upset you [note…this is why I think she does it on purpose – why the disclaimer if she didn’t know what she was doing???] but you and Timmy would have been married seven years at the end of next month?”  It was the end of last month – May 30th – and yes.  It would have been seven years.  And this November it would have been 12 years that we’d have been together.  Thank you for reminding me of the anniversary that he and I (and the child we wanted) were just robbed of, and for reminding me that he’s been dead now almost as long as we were married…   

 

Here’s some background, some context… I’m getting remarried next Saturday.  In the couple years after Tim’s death, my BIL and his wife (P and G) trauma-bonded and became very close after having a very bad falling out with Tim and I several years ago.  They were wonderful and one of the most valuable support systems I had that first handful of months, and after a year in my parent’s basement they let me move in (as a paying renter) with them for a year after they bought a new house.  Before my fiancé and I decided against having a wedding party, I was planning on asking G to be my matron of honor.  I had considered (but never actually went through with) asking P to walk me down the aisle.  It was (and is) really important to me for them to be there, so I was thrilled when they quickly RSVP’d after we sent out the invitations in January.  But after (and perhaps predictably) I moved out in early 2015 we began to grow apart.  My fiancé had a rather uncharitable opinion as to why – I wasn’t there to help them pay their mortgage every month anymore, so I wasn’t worth making the time for.  I think there may be a bit of truth to that, but I think just as much it was that I was an obligation that they felt that had fulfilled.  G is “so insanely busy” with her job that I’ve only seen them maybe 5 times in the past year, and the most recent time – just this past Saturday at their request – was to tell me that they won’t be able to make it to my wedding because G is being forced to travel for work and P is going her with because it’s “the only chance they’ll get to go on vacation together” this year.  I was crushed.  I thought there was a decent chance that G would end up bailing and would use work as an excuse, but P saying he wasn’t going to make it either just devastated me.  He *could* be there if he wanted.  But he doesn’t.  And that hurts like a motherfucker.  Sooo….before we went over to my MIL’s house, it was made clear that I didn’t want to talk about my upcoming wedding because of how upset I was.  It’s going to be a very small wedding – 50 people or so – so I really only got to invite a handful of people.  Out of the 10 or so guests I chose that AREN’T blood relations, fully half of them declined, so I was already feeling pretty shitty about that.  But it was this last minute bowing out by P - the person who told me I'd always be their sister and had become what I thought was a dear friend and one of my most important links to Tim – that really just tore me apart. 

 

Even knowing this, over the course of dinner together I still got the question from my MIL (who was one of my 5 'no’s' although I don’t blame her so it’s not one of the ones that really upset me) “So how is the wedding planning going?”  Well, other than the fact that I spent a large part of the weekend crying because the son of yours that didn’t leave me widowed at 27 isn’t going to be there to support me on what’s going to be a bittersweet and emotional day for me in its own right…fine I guess… I didn’t say that of course, instead I just said something like okay other than the fact that it really really hurt my feelings to find out that P won’t be able to be there – to which she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “well, he’s an adult…”

 

Then we spend a while being peppered with questions that we don’t know the answers to by Tim’s grandmother (and that she can’t ever hear our repeatedly shouted replies to since she’s so deaf) about the death of the little boy in Florida who was just killed by an alligator.  Then more questions about the wedding.  Questions that at that point (and I will admit to having a very low emotional pain tolerance by that point) I just had nothing left in me for.  But I’m whining now...I know I’m whining…and it makes me feel so guilty.  I’m not the only one who is in pain and who has had a rough handful of years.  But the usual disappointments and frustrations I might have with his mother and brother now, things they’ve really always done and that I would have been able to brush off after a few minutes of venting with Tim four years ago, now hit me like a ton of bricks because these people are some of the only “pieces” of Tim that I have left.  We’re all flawed people who I’m sure hurt each other from time to time (like everyone) but the hurt from them cuts deeper because they’re Tim’s blood.  I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good sister-in-law.  But it hurts so badly, especially when my attempts to continue to include them in the most important events in my life are rebuffed.

 

For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect. I need to figure out how to be a different person.  I don’t want to, but I think I need to.  I need to stop wanting to hold tightly to Tim’s family in an attempt to hang on to any part of him possible if they don’t want to hold me back.  I need to find new passions and new hobbies that weren’t huge parts of my life with Tim, things that can be emotionally satisfying without also being exhausting and often triggering.  Reading the 1+ year and BAG parts of the boards here lately, it seems like this sort of re-examination isn’t uncommon between years three and four.  Maybe it’s a common time to hit an emotional and psychological sort of “breaking point”?  I don’t know…

 

But I think for my own sake, I need to realize my fiancé is right.  I do have to think about myself too, and realize that the things I’ve turned to for comfort and distraction and the things that used to make the me happiest are now covered in thorns.  And that even though I haven’t the slightest idea who or what they are, I need to find new things to wrap my arms around and draw close to me that don’t draw any more blood than I’ve already spilled…

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this pitiful whimper of mine...I know I'm not saying anything new or novel when I say that figuring this "new life" shit out is really really difficult...

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs to you, Mrs. Tim.

 

I want you to know that I read every word.

 

My relationships with my first in-laws became more strained as time went on.  They were definitely more distant after I met my second husband.  My MIL didn't want to meet my second husband at first, and we were married for over a year before she agreed to meet him on neutral turf.  I was with her son for over 18 years, and although I know she wanted me to be happy, it was hard for her to see me trying to live my life while her son was no longer here living his life.  I think on some level there was a need to let go of some of what I had in my past in order to be able to live my present.  I think I was able to do that, partially because I moved quite a distance from the home where I lived with my first husband.

 

I'm now into "round 2" of widowhood and I find myself challenged to try to live in the present and to plan for the future because I am still very much connected to the place that belonged to my second husband.  Here, it isn't about his family (that I'd gladly let go of) but of his colleagues and the university environment where he taught.  As much as I don't want to let go of him and our memories and the life we were building here, I am finding I don't have much choice.  Some of that environment is drifting away from me (quite naturally, I think) and I know I can't continue to grow if I stay in the shadow of these people.

 

You are getting married soon.  It is time to embrace the new life you have ahead of you.  I assure you that you will keep Tim in your heart, as I keep Barry and John.  Perhaps it is because I have moved many times in my life and large distances at that, but I have learned that in life, I have been able to let go of some people, but the ones who matter most will be there in the long run.  Perhaps G and P will be some of those people, but it isn't necessarily possible to know right now.  But they are not your only connection to Tim.  Tim has left his mark on your heart and mind and soul and you don't have to have G and P or your MIL or his grandmother to validate that connection.  But it does hurt to have people distance themselves.  I know that too well.

 

Embrace your new life.  Love your husband-to-be with all you have.  Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

[Trying]

First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!  I'm sure you are so full of mixed emotions as I often find myself.  You never asked to be in the position of building a new life but you have managed to do that despite your grief.  its a lot to wrap your head around when you are in love with someone else and are looking forward to your future while still having a part of your heart in the past.

 

As for your inlaws, I think it's very complicated.  Each of you has your own grief and your own limitations.  While they may be happy for you it could be very difficult for them to see another man getting to share his his life with you.  For a long time I had such a hard time with my MIL, her grief was too hard for me to bear witness to, I resented that in the worst time in either of our lives she had her husband and 3 other children to lean on and I had no husband and 3 kids leaning on me.  Not very rational or very fair of me and I'm sure my emotional distance was confusing and hurtful to her.  Neither of us have been very good about putting the others needs first.

 

As much as you can, keep looking forward and being present in your new marriage.  Tim will always be a part of you.  You learned how to love and be a partner with him and he helped to shape the person you are.  You would have continued to grow and evolve if he was still alive and you should continue to grow now.  Give yourself permission to do what makes you happy, to nurture the positive relationships in your life and allow other relationships to evolve or dissolve in the natural course of things. 

 

I wish you a long and happy life with your new husband and as Maureen said, embrace your new life.

[Guest TooSoon]

 

As much as you can, keep looking forward and being present in your new marriage.  Tim will always be a part of you.  You learned how to love and be a partner with him and he helped to shape the person you are.  You would have continued to grow and evolve if he was still alive and you should continue to grow now.  Give yourself permission to do what makes you happy, to nurture the positive relationships in your life and allow other relationships to evolve or dissolve in the natural course of things. 

 

 

I'm not yet sufficiently caffeinated to write something eloquent so I will quote Trying.

 

When I allow myself to go down the road of mixed emotions, I try to remind myself that I would not be the person I am today were it not for the 10 years I had with Scott and all of the life experiences we shared together.  As my memories fade (and they are fading but also softening - they no longer feel as brittle as they once did), I try to remember that most of it is internal, not external; that, sappy as it sounds, he lives in me more than he lives around me now. 

 

I've always admired your courage and heart and wish you every happiness.  Congratulations! 

[Mizpah]

 

For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect. I need to figure out how to be a different person.  I don’t want to, but I think I need to. I need to stop wanting to hold tightly to Tim’s family in an attempt to hang on to any part of him possible if they don’t want to hold me back.  I need to find new passions and new hobbies that weren’t huge parts of my life with Tim, things that can be emotionally satisfying without also being exhausting and often triggering.  Reading the 1+ year and BAG parts of the boards here lately, it seems like this sort of re-examination isn’t uncommon between years three and four.  Maybe it’s a common time to hit an emotional and psychological sort of “breaking point”?  I don’t know…

 

 

Oh hon.  This is so painful.  I know because, in different circumstances, I have been there.  And I'll tell you my little story just in case it helps you feel better, you know - the solidarity, that someone gets it. 

 

Before DH died, I wasn't very close with his family but he was.  When he died, I clung to them - after all, his parents and I were The Ones whose lives were devastated to the utmost, and so the three of us, we made sense together.  I made it a habit to go there every Saturday afternoon.  We'd sit together and talk and cry and eat lunch and have tea.  It was a big part of my healing, I think, to be with them.  We'd all go out to the cemetery together once a month, all together, then each take turns at the grave alone.  We had a system, it all made sense. 

 

A few months in, we were sitting together and she told me, "We want you to have someone to take care of you when you're sick.  We want to dance at your wedding."  It came out of nowhere, and DH and I had been magically happy together (I was one of those who thought they would never again be with anyone or have feelings for anyone again), and it hit me so hard - I instantaneously burst out sobbing, and sort of slid onto the floor, with my head on her lap.  Fast forward a couple years, and, without thinking it ever possible, I found I had feelings, and found myself in a relationship, and then became pregnant and was going to move to be with him.  They were incredibly supportive and loving (his mom demanded to see photos and was like, "Oooooo, he's CUTE!"  It was adorable.)  But then I moved.  And then I had a baby.  And when I'd go visit, they'd be busy.  Finally, when my daughter was a year, I was visiting and told them I'd be around and would love to see them, and DH's mother told me she was too depressed to see me.  Ok, I get it.  But mind you, this is the woman with whom I laid in bed randomly because we were both too sad to go for walks after lunch and just gave up on being awake.  We took care of each other when we were both at our lowest.  So depression was never anything in the way. 

 

I was hurt.  I was angry.  They were my family, in some ways even more than my own, for a couple years at least.  To be an outsider among them just hurt too badly, and I couldn't continue reaching out and reaching out and being hurt.  (They also are very passive, and they did not call me once since I'd left.  I know it's "just the way they are," but ouch.)  So I haven't spoken to them in almost a year now.  And you know what?  It sucks more in theory than in actuality.  I miss the idea of having them, but I don't necessarily miss them.  (I know - I'm a horrible person.)  I think about writing them a letter sometimes, reopening relations.  But the biggest part of me thinks that we all served a purpose for each other that had a time and a place, and I can't keep chasing that.  They were supposed to my child(ren)'s grandparents, but they're not.  They were his family, but they aren't him.  They don't keep him here in the world, and being in touch with them doesn't bring him closer to me (or vice versa).  They loved me as long as I was convenient and helpful and we were all in shock and despair.  And now I'm irrelevant.  And that's ok. 

 

So I know how much it hurts.  But I also know how freeing it can be to let go.  I hope it proves to be like that for you if you find there is no "going back." 

[BrokenHeart2]

You all have no idea how timely this post is for me right now.  I have nothing to offer but...thank you!!

Once again my pillows are here.  Thank you again.

[canadiangirl]

Hey MrsT85, just wanted to say that I also read every word and you are heard.  I can totally see that you would be so hurt that his family will not attend next week, even though you also can get it. I really agree with this:

 

"For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect."

 

I honestly think we can't go back.  Every time I have attempted this, it has backfired.  It is never the same.  I too am watching the ties with his family dissolve- they just cannot emotionally handle having my child and I in their lives.  They too give me lip service about how I will always be part of their family and when he died they said they would do all kind of things, provide all kinds of support.  I have seen them once since his death 2.5 years ago for less than 24 hours.  They prefer to try not to think of my LH- I do get it, some people do not have the emotional maturity and resilience.  Their absence is the worst for my child, and to date I have made a modicum of effort for my child's sake.  But it is so unreciprocated, unappreciated and one-sided that I honestly do not know if I can sustain it, even out of love for my LH and child, who deserves to know LH's family and hear stories from people who knew my LH for a lot longer than I did.  I am certain that were there no child involved, I would no longer be in contact with LH's family.

 

Hugs.  I hope the wedding goes brilliantly.  I wish you courage  --becoming a different person surely does not mean that Tim will not always be part of you.

[MrsT85]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond or even read.  As always, it’s at least a small comfort to know that this (unfortunately) this is something fairly common for us to have to deal with.  Mizpah – thank you especially for your story.  The way you bonded with your in-laws and the way my BIL and his wife did sound somewhat similar.  Knowing our history (I had not spoken to Tim’s brother in probably a half-dozen years at that point and there was a lot of animosity that had been simmering for years over an incident that had happened way back in 2005) a few of my friends were concerned that I was placing too much trust in them and that I was setting myself up for being hurt again.  Oddly enough, I vaguely remember my response to them was something along the lines of what you said – that I was willing to take that chance because I needed them NOW.  That the support and comfort they were providing was worth that risk to me and I was willing to be discarded in the future if they could just help me get through the undefined “worst” parts of this journey.  But then (or so I thought) we re-discovered our genuine friendship from years back and I looked at it as a thin brittle silver lining to the storm cloud that had just torn my life apart.  I was actually friends with them before I even met my Tim – we met at a party the two of them threw in late 2004 – and was so very happy to have them back in my life.  So I think that is a big part of why I'm having such a hard time with them in particular seeming to distance themselves. 

 

I've also been so reluctant to let go of our passions, because that more than anything helps me feel like I'm still connected to Tim.  I feel obligated (and WANT to keep feeling the obligation) to not abandon the songs and artists that were the most dear to him even though I tend to feel incredibly drained and emotional afterwards.  This will be a tougher issue to deal with, as it is an entirely internal battle and to be honest even I don't know which side I want to emerge victorious yet. 

 

I'm sure a lot of my difficulty is coming from the fact that I haven't (nor have had the desire to) make many of those big changes in my life that so many before me have reported as being so freeing.  My few friends are the ones Tim and I made together.  I'm living in the same cluster of neighborhoods that Tim grew up in and that we lived in together.  I'm at the same job I started right out of college in 2007.  These are things I've done purposely - the friends that are still standing with me are amazing people and I don't want to move away from them or my mother, who has been my most solid supporter - but I can see how they might slow down me "rediscovering" whoever the hell I've turned into after losing Tim. 

 

Thanks again to all of you, for letting me vent and chiming in with your own stories, advice and well wishes.  I was about to say I appreciate you all more than you understand, but since you're all old-timers too I suspect you understand perfectly

[MrsDan]

I read everything you wrote too and I understand. I have had some well-documented issues with my MIL that I won't rehash here.Our issues have softened with time, and I've chosen to let the inciting incident go, largely because of the magnitude of their loss. I also struggled to come to terms with some issues surrounding my FIL. I was able to do so because of the shift I saw in him following the death of his son, as well as the bond he and my daughter shared. Things have gotten better with my SIL, for the first few years she was the one who made a gut punch comment every time I saw her. I think her perspective has changed when she got married.

 

But my BIL and his wife; that's a little complicated. They were very generous when I moved here; I stayed with them while got settled, and his wife watched my DD during that time. They were so excited to have us here they said. But our stay with them was much longer than we all expected, and I get the sense from them that they feel like they paid their dues, and don't owe me anything more. Which is not to say that they do, but I mean family is supposed to help each other out. I have tried to reciprocate, I've offered to watch all the kids while they go out but they've never accepted.

 

Honestly? I'm not sure it has so much to do with me not being part of the family as much as it just has to do with them being so self involved. They make an awful lot of comments about how overwhelming their life is considering the fact that there are two of them and they chose to have two kids (have I mentioned that I would have loved to have been able to have another, and there are so many of us who did not get the chance to have one?) This week, the whole family was supposed to go on a trip to visit Dan's sister. I was invited, but chose not to go, simply because the experience would have been very draining, I couldn't board my dogs that long, and I have so many other things to do. I'm sure my MIL and FIL were hurt, though that was not my intention. But I have a lot to catch up on, and N and I were going to go away for a few days too. Obviously, the trip got canceled when my FIL passed away. My SIL would still like to do something, especially since it was a gift for my MIL's birthday. She broached the subject about going away in the fall. My BIL said, oh no, they already have trips planned for the fall. REALLY? This trip meant so much to their dad and mom, who is now a grieving widow. I felt HORRIBLE that I couldn't manage it, but I did allow them to take DD. Even though I was nervous about her flying without me. They are always talking about how one or both of them need a break. It's infuriating, but quite frankly they were pretty self absorbed before Dan died and  I recall you and Tim had issues with his brother and his wife before too. It's disappointing when you think people change though, and they don't.

 

Dan's parents and siblings, despite any issues we might have had, have continued to make me feel part of the family. But this past weekend, at the wake, I felt pushed aside quite a bit, like I was on the sidelines. Some people were great;  my FIL's brother hugged me as he wept, his sister was very warm also, as was my MIL's brother. With them, and a few others, it was like no time had passed at all. But the others, it was like people looked right through me. I realize I've been away for almost four years. But I was part of that family for 15 years. One friend, a close friend of his parents even admitted that she didn't recognize me. Oh come on. And why would you tell me that?

 

Dan's parents and siblings have also been supportive of my relationship with N, although I can tell it's hard for them. His parents met N, it was important to me because I knew if it didn't happen soon, they would think I was deliberately trying to exclude them, rather than avoid an uncomfortable situation. BIL and his wife met him too, although I think for them they saw it more as an obligation. Dan's sister and her husband invited us to visit them out west. I don't know, time will tell. I don't know what the response would be if I ever decided to get married again. But I imagine if it was anything close to what you're experiencing I would be very, very hurt.

 

I am very sorry this is happening. I'm sure the growing distance between you and your ILs feels like the gulf between you and Tim is widening, but I don't think that's how it works. I mean, what would Tim think of this? Chances are you'd be on the same page, and that's what matters. That, and your upcoming marriage. I hope you can enjoy it without all that other noise getting in the way.

[tybec]

For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect. I need to figure out how to be a different person.  I don’t want to, but I think I need to.  I need to stop wanting to hold tightly to Tim’s family in an attempt to hang on to any part of him possible if they don’t want to hold me back.  I need to find new passions and new hobbies that weren’t huge parts of my life with Tim, things that can be emotionally satisfying without also being exhausting and often triggering.  Reading the 1+ year and BAG parts of the boards here lately, it seems like this sort of re-examination isn’t uncommon between years three and four.  Maybe it’s a common time to hit an emotional and psychological sort of “breaking point”?  I don’t know…

 

This says it perfectly for me, too.  I started changing last fall, almost at 4 years. I had decided I was living too much like my DH was just deployed.  I started last year changing boundaries with MIL who was helpful at first, but then intrusive and territorial.  I have her only grandson to her only child, so it is brutal, I know, but I was stagnant and unhappy.  Changed jobs, but still not better.  Extended in laws quit communicating around 6 months, but we had moved from the homestead so were out of the "circle" anyway.  Dating now. NG, 3 months.    New life.  Had to, and it is exciting.

 

I am a Christian and talked to a friend who relayed the story of Ruth and Naomi.  They were quite close after Ruth's husband died, and Naomi (MIL) and Ruth were together, but then Ruth met Boaz.  She related how Ruth had to move foward to be Boaz's wife, leaving Naomi, or it would not work with the new marriage.  And that God provided the way, the strength, the change in feelings and thoughts to do so.  So, that gives me some comfort to know it was part of a plan WAY back, to let go of the dead spouse and family to move forward to really be able to meet the vows of the new marriage, life, etc.  Don't know if that helps you, but it did me.  Been around for centuries....  Good luck moving forward with changes with the in law relationship, as it has to change to fully open to the new relationship.  IMHO

[MauiMermaid]

 

For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect. I need to figure out how to be a different person.  I don’t want to, but I think I need to.  I need to stop wanting to hold tightly to Tim’s family in an attempt to hang on to any part of him possible if they don’t want to hold me back.  I need to find new passions and new hobbies that weren’t huge parts of my life with Tim, things that can be emotionally satisfying without also being exhausting and often triggering. 

 

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this pitiful whimper of mine...I know I'm not saying anything new or novel when I say that figuring this "new life" shit out is really really difficult...

 

I'm late to read this... so congratulations!! I think it was yesterday?

 

Your words, as they often do, rang so true to my own struggles. Thank you for taking the time to share your deepest emotions with us. Figuring out this "new life" is indeed really really difficult. Knowing there are people who truly understand has made all the difference. So, thank you.

 

"There is a light that never goes out... "