Just need an ear.

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm in a really weird mood.  Some of it is residual jet lag as we just got home from the UK on Friday; some of it is the weird weather here; some of it is that I am just sitting here waiting for the third round of rejections - this time from the University President - on my promotion application (any day now).  But there is something else nagging at me.  Life is really good.  We are about to embark on a whole new life come September with Andy and his kids and between now and then we have two fab vacations planned.  I'm not grieving really - this isn't about Scott - and haven't been for a long time but I am still scared.  I am so scared that nothing is permanent, that it can all be taken away from me again without warning, that I will again have to reinvent myself and start from the ground up.  My husband's illness was truly traumatizing and what happened after was one shock after another.  I don't know how to get back a faith in things working out.  We visited my cousin and aunt in Dublin last week and she said, "Well, you always land on your feet."  It just stopped me in my tracks.  I'm really tired of being strong.  I just want to be.  I'm beat and worn out.  I worry that I will never be able to believe in anything lasting ever again because everything seems to fall apart.  Maybe I need to face this fear now but I didn't really realize it was there.  Sorry.  I just had to try to put it into words.  Tomorrow I will probably be done with this but today I needed to say it. 

[Mizpah]

I hear you.

[Callobg]

Well said TS! I have the same feelings..."I just want to be."

 

Boris

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm back. I've worked really hard to make sure my child is having the childhood she deserves and then some. I thought Id pulled my shit together.  But when I am left to my own devices, I just shut down.  I will sit and read for hours upon hours even when I know I should be taking care of other things.  I just sit and read...and read and read and read.  I could do this today but know I can't tomorrow because of swimming practice and then a night-time swim meet which I will also gladly do.  But what is this weird paralysis?  Why can't I get seemingly simple tasks done when I can engineer trips abroad and grant applications and the intensity of swim team?  I can't.  WHY?  I fear there is a hole in me now - a knowledge I never asked for or wanted - that is going to plague me forever.  Everything seems ephemeral. 

[twin_mom]

But when I am left to my own devices, I just shut down.  I will sit and read for hours upon hours even when I know I should be taking care of other things.  I just sit and read...and read and read and read.... But what is this weird paralysis?  Why can't I get seemingly simple tasks done when I can engineer trips abroad and grant applications and the intensity of swim team?  I can't.  WHY?  I fear there is a hole in me now - a knowledge I never asked for or wanted - that is going to plague me forever.  Everything seems ephemeral.

 

This is me!! I've tried to put it into words but couldn't, you said it perfectly.

 

Okay, I know that is no help, but you are so not alone!

[marjoe]

Too Soon - I don't know that reading for hours is a bad thing, you know? And personally, I don't see it as shutting down, more like re-constituting oneself. Yeah, this is the introvert talking, so I'm all over it.

 

"A knowledge I never asked for or wanted." - I know what you're saying. My perspective has changed pretty dramatically, over the past 8 years. I don't know that I can "see" anything in the same way I did before. We've heard and said to each other "you won't be the same", but hearing it and realizing the entirety of it are two different things. This is not meant to be negative. It's not negative. It's just really, really strange, like an out of body experience.

 

Jeez. I'm having a really difficult time explaining what I'm thinking. Still - hugs to you!

[Bunny]

An out of body experience...yeah, maybe like that.... I relate to much of this thread without being able to coherently express why or what is in my brain and heart. I think too much but that only leads me through an endless maze of tangents that keep trailing off of an already meandering main path.

 

I will never believe in lasting love again. And by that I mean if we are apart and he doesn't text me goodnight then a part of me is picturing him dead of a heart attack on the bathroom floor. It feels like I'm always trying to be prepared for the inevitable because last time I was caught unawares even though all signs pointed to my husband's death-- but really, realistically, who the hell can truly prepare for that shit anyway? Ive told him my wish is that we die in a fiery car crash together. That's fucked up. Or is it? I don't know. I had zero interest in falling in love again and it is adding a layer to my grief that I don't know what to do with.

 

I tell myself this feeling only makes me appreciate our love all the more, knowing it could be gone any second. But that's kinda bullshit too. It's made me both scared and numb on a whole other level. Thankfully, I ignore all this most of the time.

[Guest TooSoon]

Thanks, all of you.  I have no clue what got into me yesterday but I could not shake it.  In the end I took some Benadryl and wrote it off as one day lost to all of the accumulated "stuff" that piles up while I'm living life and not over-thinking.  Sometimes it seems like my brain is my own worst enemy. 

[Mizpah]

Reading for hours and hours sounds like the right life decision to me.  You said you've taken care of your daughter.  You're back from a big trip, no?  You're maybe going through withdrawals of some sort, or re-integrating into your life, feeling in between still, in a heady space.  It's ok.  It sounds awesome to me. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Honestly, I have no clue what got into me yesterday.  A confluence of things and yes, Mizpah, you are right.  We just got back from a week with Andy in England so we went from great fun and family back to the house of grief  and while I know there are only weeks left until we'll be together more permanently, leaving sucked, coming home sucked and knowing I still have to say goodbye twice before then sucks.  I guess I just had my negative lenses on yesterday.  I'm burnt out with my job and disappointed/disillusioned about not getting promoted.  I think it just all hit me like a tsunami yesterday.  I think I also have realized how alone I really am in some ways; I might have taken inoculating myself and inoculating others from me a bit too far.  Both of the families we usually hang out with are away for the next few weeks and there's no one to call, no one to meet up with.  I feel a little guilty about this self-indulgent pity party because I have plenty to look forward to.  For some reason, yesterday was just a complete wash and it jarred me because that hasn't happened in a long time. 

[imissdow]

I get this. I would love to go back to were I thought nothing really bad was ever going to happen to me. The peace that comes for the innocence of thinking your somehow immune to serious pain.  Life was easier then. I just blindly went about my day. Now I spend more, second and third guess some of the dumbest things. I also hold back on giving my heart lest I get destroyed again. I have a good life. I pay my bills spend time with friends and family.  We swim, hike, watch movies, eat more then we should and have more then we need.  I have lots of friends people who really love me and go out of their way for me. Yet let me have a few days when I tired and life gets hard and I sit and cry about how alone and unloved I am.  I miss having someone whose always on my side who takes care of me.  My 2 younger girls are going away for a week. I should get lots done. I will probably sit on the couch eat poorly and read or watch some movies I've already seen. For some reason when I have a really Canopus time coming home by myself is just really hard. I remember when dow was still alive coming home from vacation I felt like a deflated ballon. Never could figure out why.

[maddalena]

oh yeah, because YOU know that you can't always land on your feet.  Ouch.