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arneal

Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ... between budding and fully committed ...

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oops, not sure what happened or where I was going with that ¬†ūüôĄ¬† ¬†

 

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary with DH.  I'm sad, but not terribly so.  I've accepted that he's no longer here, and am moving forward with a new life.  My daughter hugged me this morning, wishing me a happy anniversary.  It felt good that she remembers this too, without me mentioning it.

 

 I feel like the widowhood part of me continues to heal, but wonder how it is affecting everything else.  Have had several conversations with BF lately on our relationship, last night was a biggie that I feel cleared the air with brutal honesty on my expectations and whether I'm being realistic about us.  I'm at a crossroads and have been for awhile, on whether to stay with him.  It feels like I'm dragging this relationship on, and I hope to get some clarity on how to move forward.  He's a good man, I do love him and yet I'm still not sure.  Is this widow related angst or something else?   I hope to see my grief therapist again to sort some of this out.  He's patient and willing to wait, and I'm grateful for that.  I realize that I want something more than a good relationship, I'm looking for great.  The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together.  

Anyway,  I ramble on  ........ 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Trying2breathe,

 

I relate to your post. Let me know what you figure out!

 

I love NG, too, and we are so good together, but I had a great long relationship.  My husband truly adored me, and I didn't deserve it!  I didn't realize it, on some level. My NG tells me I am spoiled.  Ummm, am I?  Or I hit the lottery the first time?  My LH wanted me,  pursued me and I knew it. My NG has so many other things to manage, I just don't feel he has that intensity or is gun shy and rationalizes it as "realistic and cautious" based on his experiences and childhood.  So how long to wait?  Can't wait yrs. Sometimes I think he loves me but not like   a man who loves a woman to pledge his all to, if that makes sense?  He talks long term.  We have plans for 2019 already.  

 

Let me know.  Widow related angst or something else?

 

PS.  It is so sweet you daughter remembered.  My teen does not as we were married 13 yrs. prior to his arrival. 25 was a hard one for me and now I have friends passing it by. I would have had my 28th this Dec.

Edited by tybec

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The widow angst is a great question. Sometime I feel closed off emotionally after everything that has transpired over the past 6 years - I am dating a great person but I am unable to jump in with two feet. Not sure if its him (more his divorce situation) or me or a combination. Think I am going to go the therapist route too....

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I find myself in a similar place with my NG and maybe it is widow angst.  It's been just under 2 years since I last saw my therapist and the thought of going in for a tune-up has crossed my mind lately.  It's an emotional time for me with my daughter's college graduation this weekend followed by the 3rd anniversary of my LH's death 2 days later so I may return to a more even keel soon but if not I may need to explore this widow angst theory. 

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I too feel an uncertainty...Trying2 your statement"The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together." struck a chord for me.

 

I'm happy being with him on dates, vacationing, doing errands , really doesn't matter I feel good doing it......but I also feel a need to be apart sometimes, to take care of my kids, my house, my stuff...so the acceptance of us together seems to be a thing.

 

 Also I've always been really slow to adjust to change....I think I fear it. I've lived in the same house for 28 yrs , had the same job/same location for 30 years. And obviously I didn't have a choice about becoming a single parent but now I'm  also facing a whole bunch of change in the near future and  it flusters me.

 

1.My kids are going to be finished university soon( one already has),

2.I can retire as soon I say the word  then

3.and NG would have me move in when ever,( keeps threatening me with marriageūüė≤)

 

I find these things intertwined and it's like if I know my sons are ready to be independant then 2 and 3 become easier....but can I wait or do I have to figure out some other way.

Also I feel I can't act on #2 because if i do it makes me more available for 3 and I don't know about that till 1 has happened

 

.....you see it's a circle. Or maybe I just overthink things.( sometimes I do just let things happen but usually I analyze the crap out of it)

 

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It sounds like you all may have had 'great' in the past with your relationships? As I've mentioned, the first marriage was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced and I thought I would never deal with humans again lol. Abuse is no joke but I had to get to a place of being able to laugh again ... My second marriage was good, hard work with his illnesses, but good. Comfortable. Respectful. Taught me that love is a good thing.

Life with BF is good. He does his thing and I do mine, even though we are under the same roof now. I don't look to him for anything really. It's like one of my students said yesterday: 'I love you, I want you, but I don't need you'. I am traveling for work right now and we tend to text each other at night; I mentioned we are gamers so we might say good morning in-game (didn't do so this morning). I try to remember to reach out so it's not like he's always reaching to me.

I think after all I've been through I am at a place where it's gonna be what it's gonna be. Can't know what tomorrow will bring so I will enjoy today. I don't think marriage will happen. If it does, wow. If it doesn't, that's okay. 

I think it comes down to you knowing what you want. If you want someone who is going to dote over you, bring the flowers and all that, and if your NG isn't doing that, can you live with it?

I don't mean to trivialize but it all boils down to what is 'enough'. Remember -- it's not the other person that brings happiness. It is within. The other person is just the icing on the cake¬†ūüėė

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Posted (edited)

Widow angst, a common thread with some of us.  I scheduled a therapy session next week and am actually looking forward to it.  I haven't seen my therapist in two years - she was widowed young, without seeking love again she met somebody, and then married him.  We have a lot in common, it will be good to get a tune-up, as FW mentioned, as well as hash out some of this relationship stuff too.  Although I'm keeping it light, the conversation continues with BF.   He's still patient although I feel him pulling away a bit, maybe anticipating that we may not stay together.  So not fair to keep going in this way.  sigh ......

 

edited to add this - 

 

I think we posted at the same time, arneal¬†ūüėĀ¬† I don't need him and¬†I¬†feel complete without him, he is the icing and he is¬†enough. ¬†I'm happy on my own, he adds to my life and I love him. ¬†BF and I are¬†both on the same page with all of this. ¬†I think it might be fear that¬†I can't fully love again, hesitation¬†because of the possibility¬†of losing somebody again. ¬†There are differences and annoying things between us,¬†we've worked through some issues and¬†so far we're¬†dealing with the differences. ¬† There should be nothing standing in the way of us together, but there is. ¬†¬†It's me¬†........

I'm gonna get my money's worth at the therapy session next week.

Edited by trying2breathe
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My NG has really been a sweet and motivated man this past week.  I am doing a lot to support him in his unemployment, cheerleader.  He applied for jobs the next day, updated resumes, reached out to contacts and made lists daily to keep busy and forward planning.  I am so proud of him.  He sent me flowers  for mother's day, before he was laid off. He did not need to do that.  And then he still took me out for mother's day, my first since my mother died in Nov. WE did a very girly thing that reminded me of my mother and my son was with us, too.  I greatly appreciated his effort.  I have been away two days for training, and he has stayed with my son, which allowed me to go and feel safe about it, too.  I think this is just another trial for us, and we will be okay.  

He was extravagant for his first and only wife.  I don't need or want all that as it truly isn't me.  But I want a partner, best friend, companion, someone I feel has my back and is dependable. I got through several awful life things knowing I had my husband to support me.  So, I guess it matters what kind of relationship you want based on all kinds of things.  I am trying to show I have his back, and I hope he knows it.  And, that he will feel secure with me, then also.  He did tell me he thinks he has opened up to me more.  So there is that.

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Happened to wake up just in time to turn on the royal wedding when they were getting ready to say their vows.  I do not understand why it was  easy as a young woman to make those pledges/vows except lack of experience, and the world was our oyster.  But some things just are, and they don't change despite the grays in life.  I still believe in love to death do us part as I lived it, and I still want it. The pain is a risk, but so is the joy of it all, too.  So.........  life continues.  

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I watched the wedding too, it's surprising that the innocence still seems to be there although they are a bit older and she has been married before.  The world was once our oyster too, I looked at my wedding photos last week and was reminded of how innocent and naive DH and I were then.  It would be great to feel that joy of a new beginning again, not sure if it's possible for me but maybe it's something to work towards. 

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I was young and stupid when I married the first time. Vows scared me but not saying them and suffering the wrath after everyone left scared me more. Second go was much easier, not so pressured. Would I do it again? Maybe. Not worried over it. More concerned with the practicals of life: like would I leave my house to BF? Would I trust him to take care of my two fur babies? Would I trust him to try and check on my son from time to time? I think so. But the horror movie watcher in me says the jury is still out¬†ūüėā¬†I honestly trust him but would not want to burden him with such a conversation just yet. Our 'official' two years together is Memorial weekend. His birthday is next month and we've already decided to go away for the weekend. Maybe then, removed from the ordinary, every day ...

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Hope everybody is doing well.¬†¬† Weather¬†forecast here is torrential rain pretty much through the weekend¬†ūüėē¬†BF and I have tickets to an outside concert on Saturday¬†and I'm disappointed that this may not¬†be happening. ¬†My kids are both home from school, the routine has changed but so far everything is working out well. ¬†BF has been here twice for dinner and everybody is commingling very well. ¬†BF commented on how my kids are well¬†adjusted¬†to our relationship, and his daughters are not quite there yet. ¬†Hmmm ..... glad that he's bringing this up and we'll see if things improve. ¬†

 

Hadn't seen my grief therapist in a couple of years and it was good to get in for a tune-up.  I think as widows something that we have in common is a fear of loss again.  And as I suspected, my hesitation in more of a commitment with  BF is that I'm afraid of losing him.   The minor issues that BF and I are dealing with, I'm figuring out are truly minor, and we're working through them.  Easier said than done to let go of fear, but to become aware of it, say it loud not only to myself but to him too,  hoping that this will help me to let go.  He's a great guy and I'm willing to work towards a better relationship with him.  Feels good to put that out there .... 

 

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

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Good for you, trying2 about working through what is small and what isn't. Not sure what our weather is looking like. It's been overcast and rainy most mornings but by early afternoon the sun is out. I have to travel again in a couple weeks for work and BFs birthday is the end of next month so we will take a weekend away. Should be fun. Today marks two years since our first connection online and Monday marks two years since our first date. How time flies ...

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Arneal - Congrats on the 2 yr mark!¬† And under the same roof now!¬† Who knew?¬†ūüėäūüėČ

 

Trying2Breathe - glad it is working so well with the "kids" home.  Thanks for the insight from your session.  That balance of moving forward and taking the risk.  You are testing the waters!  Great!

 NG has been out of work 2 weeks but interviewed for a job last week and was offered it. He is taking it.  It is a little less money and a commute of 30 minutes versus the 10 minutes he had.  Benefits are less, and he has to work longer to access them, but he has a job and will not miss a paycheck. He went from a Canadian owned company to Japanese, and there are just differences. I am very proud he got on it, and timing worked out.  He spent more time with me and my son, as he admits he prefers us to being alone at his home. His house is a nice for a family but lonely I am sure by himself.  I have appreciated his company.  

 

Memorial Day weekend.  We are having the memorial service for my mother.  She died in Nov.  I thought this was a great idea, but now, it seems to have drug it out.  Now I know why it often is the case to have the service soon.  I am antsy, touchy and annoyed easily.  It will be fine, but the anticipation.  I have her remains.  I will see my 3 brothers and only one has been helpful in all this for the past few years she needed much more oversight. He was not present but assisted from a far.

 

NG and I met for lunch.  He is taking his boys on an all guy camping trip through his church. So fun weekend planned.  I brought up about him not going with me, that I wanted him to offer and he didn't. He stated he had, and I declined.  I probably did as I knew it was his kids' weekend, and it would be so difficult to change all of it out with his inflexible ex.   So, I have to let go of that.  It will be a reunion of sorts with cousins, and he would not have been too excited. I guess My problem is feeling so alone about dealing with stuff. No one to have to put my head on their shoulder through these hard times.  I hope not to have a next time soon, but if I do, I think I will let him make arrangements to go with me.  What is the point of having a significant other if they can't support you through tough times?  Anyway... My mixture of feelings.  I will get through. My track record is 100% .

 

Enjoy the weekend.ūüėé

Edited by tybec

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