Jump to content

Young Widow Forum

Register to view blogs.

RyanAmysMom

Relationship woes.... a journey of self-discovery - just putting thoughts in print...

Recommended Posts

So....  I met G online last summer.  We've had a lot of fun.. Things are fine. 

And then New Year's came... and I always do a goal-setting, year planning thing..... (NOT RESOLUTIONS!!!!) 

So I invited G to participate..... 

And I realized I have no idea where this relationship is headed...  where I want us to go.. (or even what I am capable of doing) 

More importantly, I have no idea what he wants.  

 

I realized I haven't asked him.  (And he hasn't made a point of bringing it up, either)

I"m so afraid of being hurt, of being vulnerable, I've just been "going with the flow."  (I suppose he's doing the same) ??

And now that I'm looking ahead.....  ugh...

 

I love this man.  But I don't think I am IN LOVE with him and I don't think I want a "forever" relationship with him. 

But it's good right now.  Really good.

So do I grow up and end it and save us both a lot of pain later?  Or do I enjoy it until it plays out?  

 

Why, as an intelligent, educated, responsible person, would I CHOOSE to pursue a relationship that's nothing more than indulgent? 

Why, as a moral woman, parent of teenagers, would I continue to date someone I don't plan to be with in the future?

 

But then again..... Why can't I just enjoy this for this season? 

What's wrong with being happy?

 

And WHY can't I talk to him about this? 

 

 

I"m realizing that I'm really a dating virgin.  Right now I'm just happy because a cute boy is paying attention to me and thinks I'm cute.  :)  

 

I have no idea how to communicate, no idea how to express my feelings....  DH was so intuitive....  so smart.. so patient...

 

So planning the year...

Is he preventing me from meeting any goals?  

Would my goals or plans be different without him?  

Am I missing out on things I want?  

Is he adding to my experiences?  

 

 

What can I do to bring hubby back?  That would solve all of these issues......  

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
9 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

What can I do to bring hubby back?  That would solve all of these issues......  

That's the "nail" one the head right there , and the one that all of us really want!

 

Best of luck with all of it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I guess I’m not understanding why you need to break up with someone you are having a perfectly lovely time with, someone you are actually quite fond of. You have no idea what the future holds, right? Who says you have to be ‘in love’ with someone right away? Whose to say you won’t ‘fall in love’ over time? And, also, why isn’t simply loving someone enough to be in a long-term successful relationship? And so what if it’s not forever? Forever does NOT always equal success. And a relationship ending does not always equal failure. All important lessons to show children. 

 

I do get where you’re coming from here, because I can be an over-thinker myself. But I believe you hit the nail on the head when you brought up your lack of communication skills, and how you pretty much allowed your husband to steer the boat, because you trusted his vision. Now it is all on you. You’re in charge of your very own boat and now you also have to learn how to Use Your Words- which can be scary as hell because it can feel vulnerable and foolish and....do it anyway. I have been more open in this relationship that I ever have before, and sometimes it’s required writing him a letter, sometimes throwing back a few drinks to calm my nerves enough to get the words out. I’m not saying it’s all peace, love, and understanding here, but it feels....authentic. And freeing. And the way I love him is very different from the way I loved my husband- whether that’s widowhood or age I don’t know, but I’m okay with it. 

 

Its just growing pains. It will be okay. I’d say trust your inner voice, but she sounds a little overwhelmed so maybe just try to quiet her down with a little chocolate and meditation and practice letting yourself just enjoy the Now. There is nothing wrong with enjoying being happy- I think that is another great thing to model for your children. 

 

Big Hugs. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, Bunny said:

 And the way I love him is very different from the way I loved my husband- whether that’s widowhood or age I don’t know, but I’m okay with it. 

 

This resonates with me. I used to walk around feeling so buoyant and loved and lucky with my DH; I don't have that same euphoric feeling with my new (well, almost seven years) bloke, but I know we really do love each other, and it feels good in its own, different way. I think death took away my 'lightness' in that respect, but it doesn't mean I love new fellow any less. It's complicated, eh. I guess it helps that I am not prone to overthinking, something I've only really realized since being widowed.  Never been a goal-setter in life either, and managed just fine. We all know better than most that life can completely mess up any plans anyway. I understand though that if your personality is different to this, you have to take a different tack. All the best. I'd say, just enjoy. I had been in a few relationships before my husband, so knew what felt right, I guess, and realized this new bloke was in my heart, and I wanted him to stay there. You love him but don't see yourself staying with him? What's missing? Only you know. Be careful not to self-sabotage though.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

 

I believe sometimes you just have to go with the flow...happy is happy and doesn't need a plan...

 

if he doesn't seem concerned he may be a go with the flow type guy too.

 

If I were you I'd just keep on going and see what happens. Remember the future is hard to predict...so right now you say you can''t see him as a forever partner but you never know, maybe your idea of what you want and need will change.

I've seen this happen with a friend of mine. She had been dating on and off going through dating sites. She was always looking for the established professinonal because I guess that was what she was used to and that's what she thought she needed for the future. About 3 years ago she decided to throw out her must have list,  ended up dating a guy who is a crane operator, and is definitely a bit edgier then her previous bf and you know what I think she's very much in Love this time.

 

Anyways take a look at the why.....it maybe something you will adjust to.

 i say enjoy...

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post

Just chirping in to also add don't overthink it or try to control it. I agree to just enjoy it. You don't have to make any future life plans, contingency or what not. I know what it's like to miss that symbiotic, intuitive relationship but don't compare it. It's not fair to you or to the person you are dating. Love them for them. Yes, it will be definitely different and not what you'd expect or used to but that is normal and okay. Why not have the conversation so you have a clear vision of expectations? We all deserve some love and affection.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

My goodness.... writing this helped me clear my head so much!  And reading your input helped as well. 

 

I did choose to walk away from G.  As I wrote this, and as I read it....  I realized what was really wrong.... 

 

G was not in love with me.  

 

I may be a fool....  but I am a romantic...  an idealist....

 

I am worthy of love. 

 

I deserve someone who is crazy about me.  I deserve someone who wants to hear about the things that are important to me. 

I need to be with someone whose values match mine, who values family the way I do.....  

I need to be with someone who wants the partnership, intimacy, companionship of a committed relationship.  

 

And it was never going to be that with G. 

My relationship with G was ok at first because I wasn't capable of the intimacy and vulnerability of a "marriage relationship..." It was fun.  It was ok.  It was shallow.  

 

But I feel like I'm recovering from my grief journey - I feel like I"m finally coming alive.... and I am craving that kind of companionship.  

 

And as we all know..... life is short.....  

 

So off I go into the wild world of dating....  And.......  I'm hugely optimistic.....   :)  

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
On 1/12/2019 at 11:46 PM, RyanAmysMom said:

 

So planning the year...

Is he preventing me from meeting any goals?  

 Would my goals or plans be different without him?  

Am I missing out on things I want?  

Is he adding to my experiences?  

 

 

Life is short and I am struck by the list in your first post, especially "Am I missing out on things I want?"  In my own new relationship, there's a good amount of give and take when I answer those questions.  We all deserve that balance.  Wishing you the best in the "wild world of dating!" LOL

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
6 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

I did choose to walk away from G.  As I wrote this, and as I read it....  I realized what was really wrong.... 

 

G was not in love with me.  

 

I may be a fool....  but I am a romantic...  an idealist....

 

I am worthy of love. 

 

Good for you! My first relationship after my wife's death was fine at the beginning but she was not in love with me. It was painful to admit to myself that as much as I wanted it to be something more it never would. Once I opened myself up to that truth. And chose not to settle and accepted the possibility that I might never find another love as strong as the love I had with my first wife. And that I was strong enough to be on my own if that was my future. I became a better dating partner. And because I was a healthier me, and chose not to settle, and kept looking, I found someone who I have fallen deeply in love with and who has fallen deeply in love with me. 

Edited by Leadfeather
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

The most amazing things happen when you take a little risk!  

 

I ended things with G in January - and I had no regrets!  Never shed a tear.  That should've told me something, right?  (And.... he sealed the deal - claiming that I'd never find what I was looking for........  Challenge accepted!) 

 

I jumped right into online dating again...  nothing to lose.... decided to have some conversations with people.....   

 

And I started talking to a man in late January.  We decided to meet on Superbowl Sunday. 

I didn't realize until I woke that morning that that date was also my wedding anniversary. 

I wrestled with it for a while, prayed, visited DH and finally decided to just go meet the guy. 

 

I am so impressed with this man - He's wonderful!  We've seen each other nearly daily since the first of February - He's thoughtful, kind, funny, caring, compassionate....  He encourages me to talk about DH, wants to know about what made our relationship so special and successful...  He wants the kind of relationship I want - 

 

My children have commented frequently about how happy I seem lately......  (My daughter is completely addicted to McD's fries - The first time he came to the house, he brought fries for her!)  

 

I am a school teacher and had Parent-Teacher conferences last week - and they were pretty tough.... and this wonderful man set up a date - dinner, a massage and a hot tub soak for me!  I've never felt so spoiled and cared for!

 

I have hope. 

 

(Is it possible that I met him on my wedding anniversary for a reason?)

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.