WifeLess

Wheelerswife, Each of us here has learned the lesson about how unfair life can be. But for you, the level of injustice defies comprehension. I hope your painful memories of that tragic day exactly 2 years ago fade quickly into a peaceful tomorrow. --- WifeLess

Congratulations! I wish you both great happiness and a wonderful future together.

Alexswife, I can relate. At 8 months, I posted this on the old YWBB about my deceased wife: "Wherever I go, whatever I do, she is with me. And so I never feel that I am leaving her behind. I see her smiling with me when I am up, encouraging me when I am down, laughing at me when I do something dumb. As she did for so many years in life, I'm sure that in death she still wants the best for me. And so she is guiding me towards happiness." And at about my one year point, this included guiding me into meeting fellow YWBB member Bluebird. Despite not dating throughout my first year of widowhood and believing I never would, we fell in love almost immediately, and our love grew much deeper with time. Two years ago we were married and now share an incredibly happy life together. I hope your new road leads you to similar love and happiness. And in case it helps with the feelings of guilt you mention, I posted this early in my relationship with Bluebird: "My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my [deceased] wife ... we often feel, or at least like to think, that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought." --- WifeLess

Perhaps this could use a bump.

cj, I wish that all people could know this without going through what we have to learn it. Hoping that your 9th New Year is as Happy as it can be. --- WifeLess

Brokenheart2, Sorry you are alone today. I hope you are able to feel his presence on this special day. --- WifeLess

canadiangirl, Thanks for your post. I hope the above words of widows past have brought a bit of levity to all here who need it this Holiday Season. --- WifeLess

Jess, Merry Christmas to you as well and to all in the Widda family. On this special day, my wish is that each of us receive the gift of brighter days to come. --- WifeLess

mizjsea, Thank you for your well wishes to all in our widowed community. I share your sentiment and hope that each of us finds a measure of peace this Holiday Season. --- WifeLess

Bumping this up in memory of all our deceased spouses this Holiday Season.

sojourner, Glad you enjoyed, and I agree with you about all the commercialism and manufactured joy. I still recall my first Holiday Season as a widower, just a few months after losing my wife in August 2009. Weeks of Christmas music and ads, as well as partying and celebration all around. But it was a melancholy time for me. Fortunately, I had recently joined YWBB and found comfort in many of its writings, including the humorous songs and carols that appear above. Whether somber or comical, those posts by veteran and contemporary members helped me make it through. --- WifeLess

pms1954, My 6 year point was several months ago. Yes, it is very hard to believe that so much time has passed. I wish you a measure of peace this holiday season. --- WifeLess

MrsT85, Thank you for the quote. The old YWBB was certainly my "village" during my early years of widowhood. That site greatly helped me get through my first Holiday Season after becoming widowed 6 years ago, and I remain friends with many former members even today. In this first Holiday Season of its existence, I hope our new village Young Widow Forum will serve a similar purpose for our more recently widowed members. --- WifeLess

In the early years of the old YWBB, members would sometimes cheer themselves and each other up during the Holidays by cleverly altering Christmas carols and other songs of the season to reflect their newly widowed status. This was accomplished primarily through the use of dark humor and sarcasm, of course. Below are 5 slightly edited offerings from those talented widows and widowers. Perhaps they will bring a few moments of amusement to Young Widow Forum members this Holiday Season. Please feel free to add any others you wish to this collection, including your own creations if so inspired. (To the tune of Winter Wonderland) Sleigh bells ring, why should I care? In my brain, it's a nightmare. A miserable sight, I'm lonely tonight, Walking in a Widow Netherland. Gone away is my happiness. Here to stay is the crappiness. We'll sing mournful blues, as we spread the news, We're walking in a Widow Netherland. In the meadow we can build a Bago And pretend that we are all onboard. DGI's will wonder where did they go When all their stupid comments are ignored. Later on we'll inspire (each other), As we dream by the fire To face unafraid, all our dreams betrayed, Walking in a Widow Netherland. (To the tune of Away in a Manger) I've spent all the money, My house is a mess. This pathetic widow, She has to confess. The kids are all grubby, Their homework's undone. But who will come help me? There's simply no one. My pets are all moaning, Yes they miss him too. Or have I not fed them Between my "boo hoo"s? Don't tell me its Christmas, It cant be again. It sucks to be widowed. Where is my husband? (To the tune of Oh Little Town of Bethlehem) Oh little town of Widowland How sad we see thee lie. Beneath the heavy weight of grief We know your people cry. Yet in the still of darkness There comes a ray of light. From all the healing power they've found By joining all their might. Oh, how we came to dwell in here The heavens won't reveal. While we seek answers to our prayers Each day seems so surreal. Please grant us strength to live and thrive In the altered reality, Where we are now abiding With hopes of serenity. (To the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen) The holidays are lousy when your husband is still dead, If one more DGI speaks up, I'll pummel him to shreds, I do not want to hear that I should just move on instead, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain, sadness and pain, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain. They seem to think they know it all and just how I should feel, If they must talk to me they all pretend it isn't real, They mostly run away and hide so they don't have to deal, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain, sadness and pain, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain. I'm tired of pretending there's no reason to complain, I wouldn't mind a phone call but they're all just so inane, I'm not as strong as you may think, despite your wishes plain, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain, sadness and pain, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain. Do not tell me it could be worse, or that you understand, Do not tell me to seize the day, or give a reprimand, Do not compare my life to yours and tell me mine is grand, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain, sadness and pain, Oh, tidings of sadness and pain. (To the tune of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year ) It's the most horrible day of the year. Everyone is happy, Even mama and pappy, But not me, oh noooo. It's the most horrible day of the year. It's the most difficult day of the year. Last year was much better, I got a new sweater, And I was in loooove. It's the most difficult day of the year. There'll be Kleenex using, Photo albums perusing, And staring idly at the waaaall. There'll be difficult moments, While seeing the ornaments, Still boxed down the haaaall. It's finally the end of 2015. I hated this year, Daily shedding of tears. Grief has been like my waaaar. Love hurts, that's what I've learned, and much more. There is one blessing I discovered this year. I've faced the worst life can give me, My spouse would be proud of me, But this much I knoooow. I'll survive, thanks to all of you heeere!!!!!

Carey, Hang in there. Wishing you the best. --- WifeLess

Since the Holiday Season is often a time for memories and reflection, bumping this thread up as a reminder of how much is lost when we are widowed.

MauiMermaid, Inappropriate comparisons between divorce and death have frustrated many of us who have been widowed. Over the years I have read a good number of posts about this issue both on the old YWBB and now here. So, a while back I tried putting together a list of some of the numerous differences I saw between being divorced and being widowed, although I never posted it since I have never gone through a divorce and consequently don't feel sufficiently qualified to speak on this issue. But, for what it's worth, here's what I came up with: Divorce vs. Death: 12 Differences (by WifeLess) 1. In a divorce at least one spouse is no longer in love with the other. And perhaps both no longer are. A widow(er) and their deceased spouse were both in love with each other to the end. 2. In a divorce spouses become emotionally more distant as the marriage ends. A widow(er) and their deceased spouse were likely drawn much closer together emotionally towards the end if death was expected. 3. In a divorce at least one spouse chose to end the marriage. And perhaps both did. Neither the widow(er) nor their deceased spouse chose to end their marriage. 4. In a divorce at least one spouse knows that the other is not their "soul mate". And perhaps both do. A widow(er) continues to believe their deceased spouse is their "soul mate" long after their death. 5. In a divorce at least one spouse does not want to be reunited with the other. And perhaps both feel that way. A widow(er) wants above all else to be reunited with their deceased spouse and firmly believes their spouse would feel that way too. 6. A divorced person may find comfort in the thought of possibly reuniting with their former spouse someday. A widow(er) is greatly distressed by knowing with certainty there is no possibility of ever reuniting with their deceased spouse, at least not during their lifetime. 7. A divorced person may grieve the loss of their relationship. A widow(er) grieves, not only the loss of their relationship, but also the tragic loss of life. The life of the one person in the world who was most important to them. 8. A divorced person likely knows the exact whereabouts of their former spouse, as well as their present life situation. A widow(er) frequently wonders about the fate and present circumstances of their deceased spouse, or at least of their soul or spirit. 9. A divorced person likely still communicates with their former spouse, although they may not want to. A widow(er) cannot ever communicate with their deceased spouse, even though they desperately want to. 10. A divorced person likely shares parental responsibilities and expenses with their former spouse. A widow(er) bears the entire burden of caring for and raising their children. 11. A divorced person may relieve anger and frustration about their plight by placing the blame on their former spouse and venting to them. A widow(er) rarely blames their deceased spouse for dying and cannot vent any anger or frustration to them. But they do often blame themself for not saving their spouse. 12. A divorced person often wishes their former spouse dead. A widow(er)'s greatest wish above all else is for their deceased spouse to be alive and well.

For those who feel alone this Holiday Season, getting together with other widows and widowers may help. One way to accomplish this is to arrange or attend a Widowbago. Bumping this up for those who need further encouragement.

This thread has fallen so far down, so perhaps it could use a bump.

Bumping this up in recognition of International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.

Carey, From what you write, it seems clear to me that you are "missing him" but not "all the trauma of dealing with his alcoholism", which is certainly understandable. It is not contradictory to love our spouse but hate their illness and the havoc it once caused. And this is especially true for many of us who post regularly in this section of the board. Sorry you are having these distressing nightmares. I hope they soon subside. --- WifeLess

fern, Sorry you have been abandoned by your friends. This appears to be a common problem among widows and widowers. Inspired by your question, I just reposted the How You Can Help Me letter in the Newly Widowed section, since that's where I think it might be needed most: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1587.0.html This letter, along with several other documents that were previously posted on the old YWBB and have already been reposted here, tries to explain to family and friends what we are feeling and what we may need. Those other writings include: Letter to a Friend http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html Unique and Devastating Loss http://widda.org/index.php/topic,8.0.html Bill of Rights for Grief http://widda.org/index.php/topic,13.0.html And an edited version of Saying Olin to Say Goodbye http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1000.0.html Perhaps these can be of help in the "mass education campaign" that you mention. --- WifeLess

A number of writings once appeared on the old YWBB that were helpful to many new widows and widowers. Although several of these have already been reposted on Young Widow Forum, that does not seem to be the case for Dr. Virgina A. Simpson's widely circulated How You Can Help Me letter, which offers advice on how to help a grieving friend or family member. Perhaps there would be benefit in reposting that letter here as well. How You Can Help Me Please talk about my loved one, even though (s)he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that (s)he never existed. I need to talk about him/her, and I need to do it over and over. Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Don't ever feel that you have made me cry. The tears are always there and I appreciate the opportunity to shed them. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand. Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that." Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his/her death, but also the person I was when I was with him/her, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his/her life and love into the rest of my life. (S)He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him/her with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right. Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry. I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas: (a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together. (b) Send me a card on special holidays, his/her birthday, and the anniversary of his/her death, and be sure to mention his/her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day. © Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone. (d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable. Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes. Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve. Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

mikeeh, Bluebird and I were both widowed after several decades long marriages and are now actually living what you describe. We have been in a relationship for 5 years, have lived together for 3 years, and been married for 2 years. From the beginning we've been spending as much time with each other as we can, taking joy in all that we do together (including household chores if that's possible). We constantly show our appreciation of one another and regularly acknowledge the incredible love and tremendous happiness we've found in our new life together, never taking even one moment of it for granted. Some have asked us how long this honeymoon phase will last. "As long as we both shall live", I think. And then some. --- WifeLess

Melbar, Congratulations! After Bluebird and I were married, I changed my YWBB signature line to: "I once was lost but now I'm found." And I still feel this way. I wish you and your children a future filled with tremendous happiness. --- WifeLess