WifeLess

rememberingjason, I understand your frustration with the trivialization of suicide prevention that you mention. A few excerpts from an essay I once wrote out of similar frustration: "As a survivor of suicide (SOS) of my wife, I have a problem with how suicide is commonly portrayed to the public, not only by the news media, but even by suicide prevention groups in their attempt to raise awareness through the use of online educational material and sponsorship of live events. While I of course commend these organizations greatly for the attention they bring to this important issue, I think that often in the process ... they trivialize prevention ... which I find the personally insulting as well as potentially harmful to many SOS widow(er)s like myself." "To encourage personal involvement, these organizations consistently promote the public misconception that preventing a suicide is pretty straightforward, perhaps even easy, while dismissing the tremendous challenges that may actually be involved. All that is required to save a life, they seem to imply, is to first learn the warning signs of suicide, and if observed, to then intervene by encouraging the person at risk and to seek help, after which they will be on the road to recovery." "... the actual efforts required to save a life ... far exceed those that are commonly promoted. Education and vigilance amount to very little here since suicide risk cannot be accurately gauged even by highly trained psychiatric professionals and the warning signs will likely be ever present. These organizations' advocacy of personal intervention is misleading as well, since their characterization of its being brief and casual grossly understates the level of commitment and care that would actually be needed to make a difference." Perhaps I will post the entire essay as a separate thread. It is a bit long though. --- WifeLess

Sugarbell, I understand your reluctance to participate. At 6 years since my wife's suicide, my life is very different from what it was during the months immediately following her death. My everyday concerns are now far removed from issues related to suicide, and I no longer have the passion to continue to make the point as I once did. On the one hand, this a good thing, a sign of great healing. But on the other, it is an important issue. So I understand the dilemma you are facing. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right decision for you and your children. --- WifeLess

briana, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life. There are a number of us here who have borne the extraordinary burden of the SOS widow(er), and we have often shared our stories on this site, especially in the Specific Situations section. Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here. --- WifeLess

Carey, Sorry you are going through this. During my first year I found that illness seems to make us more vulnerable to grief. Perhaps when we are ill, we no longer have the strength to fight off grief since we are using all our energy to battle the illness. So in our weakened state everything seems worse. But the good news is that, if we hold on, then this too will eventually pass. And I hope it does so quickly for you. --- WifeLess

Justin, I too found the lead up to my one year point more difficult than the day itself. And I was later able to post this: "Last week I passed my one year point . . . I found that the anticipation was worse than the actual day, which I managed to get through without a major meltdown. And afterward, I actually felt a sense of relief that this obstacle was now out of my way . . . " Peace to you as you pass this milestone. --- WifeLess

A Tout Jamais, I greatly appreciate your very kind words. For the 5.5 years that I have been a member of YWBB and now this site, you have been a source of great support for both myself and countless other SOS widow(er)s. On behalf of all of us, I say THANK YOU. --- WifeLess

Elenuna, Welcome. Glad you were able to find this new site. -- WifeLess

CiscoMom, Welcome to Young Widow Forum, and thank you for sharing your story. I previously posted the following on YWBB: "When an issue such as alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness or suicide is involved in a spouse's death, dealing with the aftermath is especially difficult. As anyone who has gone through one of these knows, life was likely very complicated and exhausting for many years before their spouse's death. It was probably an ambiguous love / hate relationship with a wide range of behaviors, some loving, some argumentative, some violent. And so for those who are left behind to deal with the consequences, feelings will probably be conflicted, just as they were before their spouse's death. Normal feelings of grief are therefore made more complicated, and the time it takes to heal may differ from those widowed under other more 'normal' circumstances." Sorry for your traumatic loss. I hope you will find a measure of comfort here. --- WifeLess

Tricia, Shortly after passing one year I posted: "Last week I passed my one year point . . . I found that the anticipation was worse than the actual day, which I managed to get through without a major meltdown. And afterward, I actually felt a sense of relief that this obstacle was now out of my way . . . " And an obstacle had indeed been removed. Although feeling like I was in a state of Limbo the entire previous year, a new and extremely positive direction for my future revealed itself immediately after passing my one year point. Although some say their second year was worse than their first, that was certainly not the case for me. Nor was it for most other widow(er)s I came to know personally during my first few years. Hopefully, you will find this to be the case as well. --- WifeLess

tmppgh2015, The death of our spouse is truly devastating to our life. We lose not only that one unique person in the world we were closest to, but so much more. And this often includes even our own selves. Towards the end of my first year of widowhood, I tried to articulate this in "Unique and Devastating Loss". Although I first posted it on YWBB in 2010, with that's site's demise it was recently reposted here: http://widda.org/index.php?topic=8.0 --- WifeLess

ATJ, Your journey has been such a long and difficult one. But as you have travelled it, you have shared with us so much wisdom and beauty, this touching poetic offering being among them. I wish for you a measure of peace on this melancholy day of reflection. --- WifeLess

Ginger, Thank you for your many contributions to both YWBB and this site during your many years as a member. At this 12 year point, I wish for you continued optimism and hope. --- WifeLess

jlp, Sorry you are going through this. I too never had children. And in the days leading up to my one year point, I also had painful memories of my wife's illness during the months preceding her death. But in the end, I found the anticipation of passing through one year worse than the day itself. I later posted the following to several other members who were having flashbacks as they approached their one year point: --- WifeLess

For years she was a loyal member of YWBB and contributed greatly to that community. She will be sadly missed by so many of us. --- WifeLess

Brenda, Sorry for your loss and that you are dealing with the problems you describe. The purpose of this section is to discuss issues of importance to members who had a seriously mentally ill, abusive or unfaithful spouse (or fiance, significant other, partner, etc.), or who lost them through suicide, alcohol/drug addiction or other such means, and who may consequently feel some form of shame, stigma or complicated grief. Members who wish to discuss problems they are personally having with drug or alcohol abuse or with suicidal thinking often bring these up in the timeframe section they are currently in. And as a result, they generally find that many others here too have had similar such experiences. Thank you for your sensitivity in asking about this before posting here. Please feel free to share in the newly widowed section any thoughts and experiences you wish along these lines. Not only might this be of help to you, but to some others here as well. --- WifeLess

Joey, It's interesting that you mention sand mandala. Shortly after YWBB ceased operations, I used such a metaphor to describe its existence and sudden disappearance. It was as if an intricate sand painting, whose construction was contributed to by thousands of widows and widowers over 13 years, had suddenly been swept away. Of course there was sadness at its passing, but also gratitude that I was able to be a small part of its creation. --- WifeLess

Mike, Although your young daughter may not actively remember her mother, I think your dear Cathryn nevertheless has an ongoing presence in her life in countless ways. Who your daughter has become as a person is greatly a product of her mother's loving and caring ways. And not only in early childhood, but even now, as I have personally witnessed how your wife's love and care for her children lives on through you. Peace this day as you pass 9 years. --- WifeLess

HvnBound, Yes, as difficult as it was at first to believe, this new life can indeed be loved. I wish you continued growth as you pass your 3 year point. --- WifeLess

IronBear: Please do join us someday when you're up in the area again. SoVerySad: Glad that you and your teens will be coming. TooSoon: There is a salad bar with vege options. And the last time we were there, the cook accommodated K's request for a vegan meal by preparing her a plate of hot veges. Be sure to ask them about this when you arrive, or even before. And Bluebird suggests that you might want to bring your own seasonings for it. I was wrong. It now looks like the final list of definites and maybes will be: Bluebird WifeLess Singinmomo4 Bobssleepykitty Wjoy Michael797 TooSoon SoVerySad + 2 teens MikeR Lmsmdm Chica BC63 NickM Gaff Jamiesgirl (perhaps via Skype) Plus 2 other widowers. But there's still time to add more names if anyone else wishes to join us. For Those Planning To Attend: The reservation is for 11:00 am, the time they open for Sunday brunch. If you don't recognize us when you arrive, just ask for the Chapter 2 table. Since there will be one check for all of us, please bring exact cash. The full adult price is about $30 per person, which includes tax, their 20% service charge for large parties, plus a little extra since we stay so long. (Unlimited coffee and juice are included with brunch. Soda and alcoholic beverages are extra.) Also bring your appetite. The extensive offerings on the buffet are diverse enough for two large meals plus dessert, and so overeating should be expected. Again, here are the directions to Snuffy's - Pantagis - Renaissance: http://www.pantagis.com/direct.html Hope to see all of you tomorrow morning at 11:00 am.

K: Sorry you and your entourage of (vegan) exclamation points will not be joining us. Maybe something can be planned for NYC this summer. It appears that the final list of definites and maybes will be: Bluebird WifeLess Singinmomo4 Bobssleepykitty Wjoy Michael797 TooSoon + 8 yo MikeR Lmsmdm Chica BC63 NickM Gaff Jamiesgirl (perhaps via Skype) Plus 2 other widowers. But there's always room if anyone else wishes to join us. For Those Planning To Attend: The reservation is for 11:00 am, the time they open for Sunday brunch. If you don't recognize us when you arrive, just ask for the Chapter 2 table. Since there will be one check for all of us, please bring exact cash. The full adult price is about $30 per person, which includes tax, their 20% service charge for large parties, plus a little extra since we stay so long. (Unlimited coffee and juice are included with brunch. Soda and alcoholic beverages are extra.) Also bring your appetite. The extensive offerings on the buffet are diverse enough for two large meals plus dessert, and so overeating should be expected. Again, here are the directions to Snuffy's - Pantagis - Renaissance: http://www.pantagis.com/direct.html Hope to see all of you tomorrow morning at 11:00 am.

Sugarbell, Although I live in one of the most densely populated urban areas of the country, where counseling services of every variety are widely available, in my early days I nevertheless found the online support offered by YWBB far superior to any of them. This excerpt from one of my old posts may indicate why: "I have now had exposure to 3 different bereavement group facilitators / social workers, none of whom have lost their spouse. And it shows. Although they try to be helpful, they have not experienced what we are going through, and often make the same mistake as many others in comparing our situation to their loss of parent or grandparent, etc. I can't blame them though. There is no way for one to learn what this feels like without going through it oneself." And with regard to loss like mine, one due to mental illness and suicide, I think the situation is even worse. As I also once posted: "I recall one evening in the bereavement group I was attending last year, I had to educate the young social worker who was substituting for the regular counselor. She knew little of major depressive illness and the range of available treatments for it. And of course, she had never before encountered an SOS (survivor of suicide). But I had sympathy because she was rather young and new to this. So I was patient with her." And even at in-person support group meetings specifically for survivors of suicide, I felt like I didn't fit in. At most such meetings, SOS widow(er)s like myself are vastly outnumbered by parents and siblings grieving the death of an adolescent teen or young adult, whose life experiences, situations and reasons for suicide are often so different from those of our spouse, that it is very difficult to relate. So, as I've posted before, the single greatest factor in my emotional survival and recovery in the aftermath of my wife's death 5+ years ago was the support I found at YWBB and the new set of friendships I formed there. --- WifeLess

SoVerySad, It was because of experiences like yours that I posted "Bill of Rights for Grief" on YWBB several years ago and reposted it on this site last month. Here are a few excerpts that seem to speak to the issues you raise: 1. You have the right to take whatever path you take through your grief without judgment. 2. You have the right to ignore or incorporate any or all of the MOUNTAINS of advice you will get. 4. You have the right to grieve for whatever you have lost, including things you never had but ache for, like phantom limb pain. 11. You have the right not to "move on." 12. You have the right to ungodly, ugly, blind rage. 13. You have the right to feel complete, utter hopelessness and despair, and to say ? out loud ? over and over, that it will never get better, you will never feel better ? without everyone shushing you. For the complete list, here is a link: http://widda.org/index.php?topic=13.0 --- WifeLess

Sandi: Sorry you cant make it. And I don't know whether the ninja will be attending, since she has not yet replied. TooSoon: Although no other who responded on Facebook has yet indicated they will definitely be bringing a child, several who have previously brought their children wanted me to again assure you that doing so is perfectly fine. After a few additions, the list of definites and maybes is now: Bluebird WifeLess Singinmomo4 Bobssleepykitty Wjoy Michael797 TooSoon + 8 yo MikeR Lmsmdm Chica BC63 NickM Gaff Kochanie Jamiesgirl (perhaps via Skype) Plus 2 other widowers. Who else would like to join us?

Brenda, For decades, my deceased wife had been my best friend and nearly only friend who lived nearby. So immediately after her death, I felt pretty much totally alone in the universe. I previously described my first year of widowhood this way: But the good news is that I did eventually return to the land of the living, gradually forming many new friendships with fellow widows and widowers. Fortunately, my life has changed greatly from those early lonely days. --- WifeLess

Jess, In "Man’s Search for Meaning ..." the author and holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl argues that: "... suffering ceases to be suffering in some way in the moment that it finds a meaning." Perhaps your incredible work putting this site together, which has helped numerous widows and widowers, has given some meaning to your suffering and thereby reduced its intensity. Just a thought. I wish you continued healing. --- WifeLess