WifeLess

Justin, Since there are some here in favor and some others opposed to the Like feature, keeping it but reducing its presence seems a good compromise. Thank you and Wadmin for acting so quickly and judiciously. --- WifeLess

Justin, We all crash and burn occasionally. But after a bit of downtime, we recover our strength and continue to move forward. I hope the wave that hit you passes quickly. --- WifeLess

Elbel66, Again, welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your loss. At only 2 months, of course you are feeling as you describe in your post. At this point it is normal to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. And it is perfectly ok to be alone when you want, cry when you want, and wallow in grief when you want. But be assured that it does get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You will not always feel as you do now. --- WifeLess

kevsdragonfly and Elbel66: Welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your losses. Elbel66: To start a new thread/discussion, go to any of the individual forums and click on New Topic. The rest should be self explanatory. --- WifeLess

TooSoon, I agree with you. I don't like the Like feature here, and never have since it was first introduced. This is in part for the reason you mention. I think it decreases active participation and involvement in the site, which partially accounts for why the amount of posting that goes on here is far below what it was on the old YWBB despite our good sized membership. Another reason is that it allows members to respond quickly and superficially, rather than encouraging them to seriously consider the issues and offer thoughtful and meaningful input, which would be much more beneficial to both other members and themselves. I also think displaying the number of Likes sets up a needless competition among members and encourages them to post what they think will be popular rather than what they truly feel. Widowhood should not include the additional burden of competing in a popularity contest. All this may explain why I have deliberately not given even one Like here despite my being a member of this site since its first day of operation. Although I do freely give many Likes on a daily basis on Facebook, I see that site as a mostly fun, lighthearted and superficial medium. But on Young Widow Forum, we are dealing with what is likely the greatest tragedy of our life and the most life-altering event. I think we owe it to each other and ourselves to engage here much more genuinely than we do on Facebook. --- WifeLess

Bumping this up for some new members who are also newly widowed. Perhaps it will bring them a measure of comfort to know that many of us who have previously traveled this sad road truly understand the excruciating pain they are now experiencing.

DavidsKTBeth, Nearly all of us here have wanted this as well. But as we unfortunately discover during our first year, there is no going back, only forward. And among the many challenges we face in doing so is the realization and acceptance that our new life without our spouse is now our "new normal". Sorry it must be so painful. --- WifeLess

MegK, Welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your loss. It was for reasons like this that I once wrote the following: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,8.0.html --- WifeLess

SimiRed, Despite the very difficult road you have travelled, you have indeed accomplished much during these past few months to be proud of. And not just with regard to your son and yourself. Your strength and determination have also inspired others here who read your story. For this you should take pride as well. --- WifeLess

AndysWife, What you describe is my sense as well. Spouses rarely participate in SOS (survivor of suicide) activities, as the reasons for teen suicide are often quite unlike what they are for adults. An otherwise well-adjusted teen may be bullied or feel socially ostracized, leading to thoughts of suicide, and in such situations death may be easily preventable. Some awareness and vigilance, as well as open and honest discussion of the problem, perhaps in the form of temporary professional counseling, may in fact be all that are needed to save their life. But as I have written in the past: "... none of this applies to my wife, who suffered for decades from a chronic anxiety/depressive disorder and battled occasional episodes of major psychotic depression. Nor does it apply to many other adults whose suicides were similarly associated with serious physical or mental illness, or with some form of personality disorder, perhaps undiagnosed, and may also have involved years of drug or alcohol dependence. This may explain why we, their widowed spouses, sometimes feel out of place even at SOS support group meetings, where we are vastly outnumbered by parents and siblings grieving the death of a teen or young adult." --- WifeLess

Wheelerswife, August 2009. At first I didn't think I would last more than a few weeks, but now it's been 6 years. Very difficult to believe that so much time has passed. --- WifeLess

SoVerySad, Happy 30th Anniversary. I hope your day was filled with only the happiest of memories. --- WifeLess

TG / AC, Glad you're back. The place hasn't been the same without you. --- WifeLess

keeptrying, As you correctly point out, research has shown that suicides often occur in clusters, and publicizing suicides, especially of high profile individuals, may cause a temporary increase in the number of such deaths. It is believed that the extent of this "copycat" behavior depends on how these suicides are reported by the news media, which often unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) sensationalizes and even glamorizes death by suicide. Consequently, several mental health organizations and suicide prevention groups have put together a set of guidelines for responsible reporting of suicide deaths: http://reportingonsuicide.org/ It seems unclear whether the number of suicides increases as a result of activities sponsored by suicide prevention groups themselves, such as awareness walks, fund raising events, etc. But even if not, I still have a problem with these groups for other reasons. On the old YWBB I sometimes posted about the trivialization of suicide prevention that I often see being publicly promoted by them. A few excerpts: "As a survivor of suicide (SOS) of my wife, I have a problem with how suicide is commonly portrayed to the public, not only by the news media, but even by many suicide prevention groups ... they mislead the public by significantly understating, and sometimes totally ignoring, the tremendous challenges frequently faced when attempting to prevent the suicide of a loved one ..." "... these organizations routinely promote the popular misconception that preventing a suicide is pretty straightforward, perhaps even easy ... "The truth is that the actual efforts required to save a life often far exceed those commonly promoted by the news media and suicide prevention groups ..." "This attempt to ... trivialize suicide prevention is not only misleading to the general public, but also dismissive and insulting to many of us who have lost a loved one to suicide despite our extraordinary efforts to save them. And it may be psychologically harmful to us as well due to the subtle message it sends: If awareness of the warning signs, a little vigilance and a simple intervention were all that were needed to save their life, then we must be partially to blame for their death. Or if not to blame, then at least we could have easily saved them, and should have. This lie reinforces the tremendous guilt and self-doubt that many of us already feel in the aftermath of our loved one's suicide, which are almost universal reactions regardless of the circumstances." --- WifeLess

How incredibly presumptuous.

keeptrying, I agree with you. After reading on the organizers' websites about the events that were scheduled for World Suicide Prevention Day, I was left wondering what all that has to do with actual suicide prevention. Although it may raise public awareness, a worthy goal, that is not the primary problem. In 90 percent of cases, mental illness is the problem. I fail to see how those activities would lead to successful treatments or cures of depressive and other such illnesses. Perhaps I am wrong, but even the donations collected seem to mostly support suicide awareness programs rather than research into psychiatric disorders. So I gave it all a pass. --- WifeLess

Guaruj?, Shortly after joining this site's predecessor, YWBB, I posted: Virtually every square inch of our/my house, reminds me of my wife. She found it for us while it was still being built. We were able to customize it somewhat to our/her tastes: color schemes inside and out, kitchen and bath cabinets, countertops, sinks, tubs, tiles, etc. We then spent the next several years picking out pretty much all new furniture, carpets, curtains, etc., to replace the old things we still had from all the previous places we lived. Of course, they were mostly her choices, and when I did choose something, I made sure it would conform to her tastes. Or maybe it was just that our tastes merged together after so many years. I don't know. But several years later I posted: After living with my wife for 25 years, there was an entire houseful of her personal belongings to deal with in the aftermath of her death. Although I removed her clothes, toiletries and paperwork from the closets, bathrooms and home office pretty early on so as not to drive myself crazy on a regular basis, they sat in an unused bedroom for nearly 3 years. Over the next several months I donated all of her clothes and other items that I could, discarding the rest. I had long ago decided that she was not in these things, and so most of them held no special significance for me. I didn't need these or any objects to remind me of her or of the life we lived together. Those memories will always be with me. --- WifeLess

Fran721, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Of course you are feeling as you describe in your post. At just a few weeks, you should not expect to feel anything other than heartache, hopelessness and despair. Perhaps the best description I have read of the early weeks and months appears in "Letter to a Friend", which begins like this: I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted. I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain. My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted. I can't eat. I can't stop eating. I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping. Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now. Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone. For the complete letter, here is a link: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html But be assured that it does slowly get better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are extremely early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now. Sorry for your loss. --- WifeLess

Since "Letter To A Friend" was just reposted for newer members, perhaps there would be value in bumping this up as well.

HoldingOn, Thank you for reposting this for newer members. It is called "Letter To A Friend", which appeared on the old YWBB. It was also previously reposted on this new site here: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html --- WifeLess

HoldingOn, Thank you for the the advice and encouragement you offer newer members. All I will add is this: As difficult as it may be to believe when you are newly widowed, it is possible to survive this, and things do get slowly better with time. So please hold onto hope. You are very early in your journey. You will not always feel as you do now. --- WifeLess

My Widowed Friends, Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. As I posted many times during my first 6 years: "Without question, the single greatest factor in my emotional survival and recovery in the aftermath of my wife's death was this new set of YWBB friendships I formed." And the same can now be said of my new friendships here on Young Widow Forum. As I begin my 7th year, I thank you all for your continued support. --- WifeLess

Sugarbell, Although the intentions are admirable, I can see it posing an awkward and potentially humiliating situation for you and your children. Sorry you must deal with this. --- WifeLess

Today, exactly 6 years have passed since my wife's tragic death. To commemorate this sad anniversary, I am reposting "Mental Illness, Suicide and Cosmic Justice". Although public attitudes towards mental illness and suicide have progressed since I first posted it on the old YWBB in 2011, I think there may still be some value in having it appear on Young Widow Forum. From the perspective of SOS (survivor of suicide) members like myself, its message is an important one. Parts may also resonate with others here who are not SOS but whose loss nevertheless falls into the same specific situations category. Though gone 6 years, the legacy my wife left behind lives on, including in the many lessons I learned from her valiant struggle to survive. One such lesson I try to convey below. Mental Illness, Suicide and Cosmic Justice (by WifeLess) Why do so many presumably educated people still believe the antiquated notion that those who die by suicide have committed some sort of 'sin' for which they must be punished in an afterlife or perhaps in their next reincarnated life? This is a shamefully unenlightened attitude that has its origins in the dark ages, long before the advent of modern medical science. It is well known today that the vast majority of suicides, somewhere between 70 to 90 percent, result from mental illness so severe that one's capacity for rational decision making is seriously diminished. Why then, would someone fatally inflicted with such illness be cosmically treated so differently from and far more harshly than one who dies from some other natural cause? Should those who die from terminal cancer be punished for acquiring their illness and succumbing to it? How about those who die of heart disease or stroke? Or perhaps accident or homicide victims? Are they responsible for their own deaths? Are they ever blamed to the point of meriting cosmic punishment after they die? If not, then why are those with psychiatric illnesses singled out this way? The truth is that mental illnesses are just as real as 'physical' illnesses, and consequently, like those other causes of death, suicide should rarely be considered one's true 'choice'. This is well known to medical professionals and universally accepted by nearly all religious orders today. In fact, decades ago it was discovered that several types of psychiatric illness have a physiological basis that is often genetically inherited like many other disorders. Bipolar and other such depressive illnesses, for example, which are responsible for most suicides, are actually diseases of the brain that involve an imbalance of its chemistry or a malfunction of its chemical receptors. This may cause, not only periods of mania or severe depression, but also delusions and even hallucinations. And either of these can seriously compromise judgement and deprive one of the ability to think and act rationally. It should be clear how deadly this could quickly turn under the right conditions. So, after such a suicide, which I sometimes refer to as a 'fatal case of mental illness', one should be cosmically subjected to even more punishment? Additional punishment beyond genetically inheriting a disorder of the brain, the most complex and least understood organ of the body, which makes theirs one of the most challenging and frustrating illnesses to treat? Additional punishment beyond suffering for perhaps decades from the ravaging effects of their incurable and life-threatening disease? Additional punishment beyond bearing a larger financial burden than most others who are sick, since medical insurance benefits for mental illnesses are generally not on par with those of other illnesses? Additional punishment beyond having to keep their psychiatric condition a secret due to the stigma associated with it, which leads to social isolation as well? Additional punishment beyond being deprived of the long happy life they deserved? Additional punishment beyond the horror of sudden death by their own hand while in an irrational state of mind? How could anyone believe such nonsense? I can think of one reason only: Ignorance. Medical and theological ignorance. But even if shockingly ill-informed with regard to these matters, how can someone be so rude and insensitive as well, to openly express such blatantly insulting and hurtful views before those of us widowed by suicide? How thoughtless and even cruel can someone be, to flagrantly dishonor the memories of our beloved spouses this way? Such overt ignorance and extreme callousness always astound me. Having witnessed for decades my wife's valiant struggle with bipolar illness, I can say with certainty that she along with the spouses of nearly all other suicide widow(er)s I've ever encountered merit no additional punishment whatsoever due to their manner of death. Far from it, I know they are now at peace, free at last after years of suffering. But not necessarily so for those who brazenly slander the memories of our spouses by heartlessly suggesting the contrary. If there indeed be an afterlife, then their ignorance, insensitivity and cruelty will likely earn them rather different consideration. Upon their death, it is surely they instead who have much to fear as they grimly face the firm hand of cosmic justice.

Catherine, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. There are a number of us here who have borne the extraordinary burden of the SOS (survivor of suicide) widow(er). Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone. Feeling we no longer have a purpose in life is common among the newly widowed, especially for those of us who were with our spouses for a very long time and never had children. Several months after my wife's suicide I posted: I now see that those last two paragraphs actually proved to be among the best pieces of advice that I could have given myself back then. For more than a year, I blindly put one foot in front of the other and kept going, even though I didn't have a clue where I was headed or why. But as time passed, my life did slowly change for the better. A new direction for my future eventually revealed itself and I began to develop a new sense of purpose. Which is why I often post to newer members: Please hold onto hope. You will not always feel as you do now. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here. --- WifeLess