WifeLess

jgib and PeaceLoveLinny, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. I hope you will find a measure of comfort knowing that there are many of us traveling the same difficult road you are on. Sorry for the tragic losses that brought you here. --- WifeLess

James, Welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your loss. Yes, after my wife's death I was numb for weeks and probably months. The only feelings were excruciatingly painful ones, and so it was better not to feel anything at all if possible. As described in Letter to a Friend: "I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted." http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html But as we begin to heal, the shock does eventually wear off and some positive feelings start to return. It is a long road, taking months for some of us and years for others. I wish you well on that journey. --- WifeLess

Bumping up for newer members.

Quixote, All throughout my first year of widowhood, I believed that I would never become romantically involved again. But shortly after passing my one year point, I met Bluebird, who was 8 months widowed at the time and a fellow member of the old YWBB (as well as this site). Although neither of us had dated since losing our spouses and we were not even actively looking, we fell in love almost immediately. And our love grew much deeper with time. With regard to the guilt you describe, yes, you are not alone. Many of us here have expressed such guilt as we began a new and meaningful relationship. But eventually I was able to post this: "My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my wife. As some other members here have expressed, we often feel (or at least like to think) that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought." --- WifeLess

seaforrest, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. My wife was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder that included several major depressive episodes. Like you, I don't regret our marriage. I have often posted that over the decades we were together I learned many lessons from her valiant struggle to survive. Sadly, she eventually lost her battle in a horrifically violent and self-destructive manor. My road to recovery was a difficult one, but it was made much easier and shorter due to the posts I read and wrote on this site's predecessor, as well the many friends I made there. Sorry for the trauma that you and your children have had to endure, and for the tragic loss that brought you here. --- WifeLess

Maureen, Along with many other YWBB friends, Bluebird and I were in disbelief that January three years ago when we heard the shocking news. Since all of us had already experienced our loss, there was the prevailing belief that this could not happen so soon after. How wrong we were. And how cruel life has been to you. So unfair. --- WifeLess

TooSoon, Ever since my graduate school days decades ago, I have repeatedly witnessed the problem you describe of academic couples attempting to stay together while each pursues a college/university position. Always a frustrating situation, I think in recent years it has only become worse, with the freezing and gradual elimination of tenure track positions in favor of an ever increasing number of very poorly paid adjuncts. Sorry I can't offer any meaningful advice, suggestions or words of wisdom. But I just wanted to say that I understand the difficult dilemma you are facing. And as I have said here before, I'm glad I will be retiring from the academic life soon. --- WifeLess

janieK, Yes, this is my impression as well. Very few who attend support groups for SOS (Survivors Of Suicide of a loved one) are grieving their spouse. Nearly all have instead lost a child, sibling, parent or friend. Which is why, during the early months after my wife's suicide 7 years ago, I found much more comfort extensively reading and posting on this site's predecessor, rather than a website for SOS. Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here. --- WifeLess

Mikeytee, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life. So at only 4 months, of course you feel as you describe in your post. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here. --- WifeLess

Ginger, I just lit a candle for my deceased wife. Thank you for the idea and for describing how we can find candles lit by others in the Widda community. --- WifeLess

cassandra, That's the spirit! (Or lack thereof.) Nice job. Thank you for your contribution. --- WifeLess

The Holiday Season can be an especially difficult time for widows and widowers. So for those in need of a laugh, I am bumping this up from last year.

mbanyard, I recall my first Holiday Season after becoming widowed 4 months earlier. My plan was to merely endure, rather than celebrate it. For the first time in years, I put up no decorations and sent no Christmas cards. When January 2 arrived, I considered all of it finally over. And I had survived. Somehow. --- WifeLess

Dannette, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Before her death, my wife and I were together for nearly 28 years, and we never had children. She was my best friend and nearly only friend who lived nearby. So beginning immediately after she died, I felt pretty much totally alone in the universe. I previously described my first year of widowhood this way: But the good news is that I did eventually return to the land of the living, gradually forming many new friendships, mostly with fellow widows and widowers. Fortunately, my life has changed greatly since those early lonely days. Sorry for your loss. --- WifeLess

Mcdc10, During the first several years of my membership in this site's predecessor YWBB, there was a very large and active group of us in the greater NYC area who would get together regularly. At least once per month a dinner or brunch would be scheduled in either Manhattan, northern NJ, southeastern PA, etc. that typically drew between 10 to 20 members. And we would eat, drink, talk, cry, laugh together for hours. I previously described (and posted photos and a video) from several of those events here: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,112.msg797.html#msg797 Over time, as our wounds healed and our lives moved forward, we got together less often. And not enough new members joined us to keep the group going. But as singinmomo4 mentioned, some of us still do get together occasionally. So please continue to check out this section for announcements. --- WifeLess

keeptrying, Having met, both online and in person, a number of other survivors of their spouses' suicides, I have learned that our path towards healing can be a very long and treacherous one. Often, the pain subsides, but as you say, never goes away completely. Sorry for this difficult road you must travel. --- WifeLess

momtokam, Thank you for your post. I recall my first Thanksgiving as a widower. It was a difficult and lonely time. But fortunately, I had recently joined this site's predecessor, YWBB, and I was greatly comforted by the support I found in that widowed community. I hope members here, especially the newer ones, feel some of the same this Thanksgiving Day and as we enter the Holiday Season. --- WifeLess

Blue green, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. A commonly raised issue among the recently widowed is the reluctance on the part many friends and family members to discuss our deceased spouse with us or even mention their name. To address this, an adaptation of a touching poem from "Saying Olin to Say Goodbye" by Donald Hackett has been posted on a number of online support sites for widows and widowers. I previously posted it on this site's predecessor YWBB, and more recently canadiangirl reposted it here: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1000.0.html Sorry for your loss. --- WifeLess

I sent you a private message.

piecesofapart, Thank you for the link. Something I posted in the past that speaks to your point: Several months after my wife's suicide I learned that, rather than using the term "commit suicide", the proper terminology these days when referring to a death like this is "complete suicide". The former term is associated with very negative and usually criminal acts, such as to "commit murder", "commit perjury", "commit robbery", "commit adultery", etc. But in the great majority of cases, one who dies by suicide has likely succumbed to their illness, like the spouses of so many other members here. The only difference is that in this case it happens to be mental illness. So, if a crime is indeed committed when a suicide occurs, the one who completes it should not be viewed as the perpetrator of the crime, but instead its victim. And with regard to blaming, shaming and "punishing" victims of suicide as a result of their mental illness, there's this: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1291.0.html --- WifeLess

Maureen, Wishing you the happiest of your memories with Barry as you pass your 7 year point. --- WifeLess

Sad Confused, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Of course you are feeling as your username implies. At just two months, you should not expect to feel any other way. Perhaps the best description I have read of the early weeks and months of widowhood appears in "Letter to a Friend", which begins like this: I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted. I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain. My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted. I can't eat. I can't stop eating. I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping. Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now. Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone. For the complete letter, here is a link: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html But somehow we do find a way to go on. And it does slowly get better with time. Sorry for your loss. --- WifeLess

Sugarbell, Sorry for the loss of your friend, however distant. Only the naive believe that to prevent someone's suicide all that is needed is to stay up and talk with them for a night. In my experience, willingness to do that every night for 6 months or longer is a much more accurate description of what is required. That worked for the first two of my wife's major depressive episodes. But even that was not enough for her third. In 2009, after several psychiatric hospitalizations, after an array of psychiatric medications, and of course, after several hundred long days and endless nights of staying up and talking with her, she nevertheless finally succeeded in ending her life. I often envy the naive. --- WifeLess

AprilRain, Welcome to Young Widow Forum. Several months after my wife's suicide 7 years ago, I joined this site's predecessor, which also had "Young Widow" as part of its name. At first I wondered whether I belonged there since I was neither young nor a widow. I was instead both old (older than you) and a widower. But I was nevertheless made to feel very welcome there, as you should feel here. Sorry for your traumatic loss. --- WifeLess

Today marks exactly 7 years since my wife's tragic death. To commemorate this sad day, I am bumping this thread up for all who have suffered their own unique and devastating loss.