Abitlost

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My suggestion is to get a nice journal to write down your kids' memories -- big and small -- as they are shared. Things my kids remembered early on faded, so it's nice to have them in writing (although we have not revisited them....)

People attend births? When my kids were born it was just my husband and me. In the situation you describe, I'd think it awkward for everyone if you did go. I can't imagine the birth parents have a strong desire for your presence, and my perspective is from their standpoint.

I believe that there are family as well as and individual maximums. The way I understand it, if both of your kids were receiving the individual maximum before your oldest turned 18, then the youngest's benefit would not increase. If they were below the individual maximum, I believe your youngest's benefit would have automatically adjusted when the oldest aged out. It's always worth a call to the Social Security office though. If your 18-year-old is still in high school, benefits should continue until he graduates. In the months prior to your eldest's 18th birthday, you should have received a form to be completed by the high school.

W40, Everyone approaches things differently. I'm sure having a connection with someone so close to your wife is bringing you comfort right now. My only concern is that if you take on the benefits aspect with your wife's best friend, in the future you may regret it, which could complicate your grieving process. Of course that's impossible to predict. It's also a slippery slope how she might react, either initially or weeks/months/years in the future. If it were to drive a wedge between you, it's possible you could lose that connection to your wife. I am ten years out and am very thankful for the relationships I have with my husband's friends -- for both me and my kids. abl

I'm ten years out and consider myself a widow. I dislike when the options are "single, married, divorced". I am proud that my husband picked me, that we had a wonderful bond, and a successful marriage. When the topic of marital status comes up with people I meet -- be it at the bank or a social setting -- I simply state that my husband passed away -- usually as part of a longer sentence -- and move on. The response is generally a quiet "I'm sorry" to which thank them and continue on with the conversation. This seems to diminish the discomfort and gives everyone permission to accept it as a fact of who I am.

Beyond tragic. I'm thinking of Kate.

Hi t2b, Sorry I'm late to this thread. I feel for you. Going through these milestones without the one person who could share in your pride -- as well as all the other emotions surrounding his moving on -- is so difficult. I have had several of these moments, and while I am in a relationship, I don't feel like I have anyone who shares my feelings or who truly gets it. Thank goodness for widda. How are you feel now that it's a week removed? abl

Hi HM, Teens are awesome, aren't they? I'm sending you a PM. abl

Captains wife, I am also proud of you for setting and keeping your boundary! You and your son deserve that! I'm sorry NG tried to guilt you, but am glad you stood up for yourself. abl

Oh Trying, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Another deep connection to Tim is gone, which must be gutting. It isn't right that Tim isn't with you for this or any other big or small event

Mc5, I am so sorry for your loss. Raising two kids alone is no picnic, but it sounds like you are doing an exceptional job. Do you have a close female friend or family member that can commit to stepping in as a female role model? Adolescents is such a confusing time to begin with, and they may resent not having their mom to guide them through their changes. If you don't have a female friend or family member, perhaps check out Big Brothers Big Sisters? It is hard to grieve along side your kids, and to take the brunt of their anger. Grief support groups are a good outlet, and I will second the grief camps. The unspoken bonus of the grief camp is that while they are away for the weekend, you get time alone with your own grief. abl

I agree with Captain's Wife that there are increased concerns about privacy, with serpico that the inability to edit or delete posts after an hour passes is a deterrent to posting, and with Wheelerswife that other social media platforms are where people congregated after YWBB closed. Not everyone is on Facebook, and new members don't even have any idea that a group exists. After the one-hour edit window was implemented, I became hesitant to post knowing things would stay etched into the internet for all eternity. I wish the moderators would eliminate that window, because sometimes a wid posts something that in retrospect s/he would like to not be forever reminded of, or something s/he doesn't want others to find, or something s/he wishes they could take back. abl

Congratulations Gracelet!

I am so sorry, Bluebird. I have no words, just hugs. abl

Powbesh, the pain right now might feel unbearable, but it gets easier, I promise! I, too, couldn't sleep in our bed for months. The TV had to be on in order for me to sleep. 10 years later, I didn't even remember those things until you mentioned them. You'll get through this, and you'll feel happiness again. Hang in there!

SB...I'm glad your son and the girlfriend know you saw her fuck me text. That right there is a pretty good mood killer. How about setting up nanny cams? Or just telling your son that you are. (That's not a playback you'd ever want to see...)

Powbesh, hang in there. It sounds like your husband was sick for a long time. Those first few days and weeks are very disorienting as all your caregiving comes to an abrupt halt. Sometimes caregivers forget how to take care of themselves. These early days just focus on the basics of nourishment and sleep. Exercise is good, too -- even just a walk in fresh air. Try to surround yourself in things that bring you comfort. Maybe a cozy blanket or a favorite movie and call a friend to come over and just talk or sit with you. Hugs! abl

Wow November, you sure expedited your move in schedule even faster than what you originally told your kids! It sound like just five months after meeting your kids, your new guy moved in even though your daughter expressed discontentment with that idea. If I were your daughter, I'd be upset as well. You state that "kids grow up and at some point leave to live their lives without looking back"...yet she is still living at home! Frankly if I were her I would feel like my feelings didn't matter and I'd be counting the days until I could leave. You are obviously happy with your decision and your priorities so I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really feel for your daughter and understand her resentment.

Needytoo, I'm so sorry for the struggles with your eldest. I don't have any experience with drug or alcohol abuse, but friends who have walked that road have come to the same conclusion as your friends -- nothing good will happen while they are enabled. I know it's a tough course, and I'm glad you have a solid partner to support you. abl

I'm 10 years out. I'm still in the midst of raising kids to the best of my ability but not a day goes by that my husband's absence isn't missed. The absence isn't a bring-me-to-my-knees pain most of the time, but more of a matter of I'm down a player and it shows (at least to me, the rest of the world -- my kids included --- thinks I've got it all handled gracefully...ha!) I was in a relationship at 2-6.5 years out that I deeply regret in retrospect; he was not the man for me long term and I always knew that, yet I put far too much energy into the relationship which would have been better focused on myself, my kids, and/or a better man. After that I refused to settle and went through 41 men before I found my keeper. Still, we keep things separate for now as both our kids come first, and I'm fine with that. Do I feel like the old me? Nope; the old me hadn't gone through the loss of a spouse and ten years of solo parenting. Am I happy with myself and my life now? Yup, I think I've done okay. Do I wish things had been different? I won't torture myself in contemplating that.

Hi Silverfish, GBM widow here, 10 years out now. I'm so sorry for your loss. The disease is a beast, and the caregiving extreme. Add to that being a young parent, it's more unfathomably challenging. I long ago forgave myself for any shortcomings as a caregiver. Yes, I felt that way for a long time. After my husband died, I had no interest in dating. I was horribly offended when people suggested I should or would or could. My own feelings morphed about two years in, and I have been in two committed relationships since. My advice would be to not burden yourself with this thought right now, but rather revisit your feelings if and when they change. For now, just focus on grieving in your own way and supporting your grieving children. Hugs, abl

Oh Sugarbell, my heart sunk with yours. It sounds like you've handled this quite well, from prepping him with contraceptives over a year ago to keeping the lines of communication open. Major kudos to you! Still, I get what you are saying about being mortified. I can't tell from your message...did you always not like the girl, or is that a new dislike because of their recent intimacy? If it's the latter, try to keep your feelings in check and be welcoming to his relationship; it could payoff in everyone's favor.

Thank you, Judy. That was beautiful and what I needed as I approach my 10-year sadiversary. Much in my life is the same, but there is more change than not. Sometimes I'm stuck, other times flowing with energy. Half my friends never met DH, a fact I sometimes forget because I often feel like he just left. Then I get gobsmacked at all that he has missed. Widowhood never ends.

I'm so sorry hopon. Facing cancer alone must be difficult. I'm sure it's frightening for your kids as well, especially having lost one parent already. I'm glad you have the pajamas to wrap yourself in. abl