Abitlost

I have a house full of DH's stuff. I go on mini-purges from time to time. Sometimes I get frustrated with all his stuff that I don't know what to do with or is too heavy that I can't manage it. Fortunately I can just close the door to his basement office and ignore it for the most part. But there is also a lot I will never discard. I like running into reminders of what a happy life we led and how much love we shared. When I find little treasures, I don't collect them or place them in a box, rather I leave them as they were so that I can happen upon them and feel that love again next time.

I have an old friend who has chided me for many years about Social Security. My husband died when our youngest child was very young, and Survivor's Benefits will extend until after high school graduation. This friend has inquired several times over the years as to how much I collect (is this any of his business??) and when I decline to answer he presses on that I am "taking" more than DH put in. He laments that he will never get back what he puts in. I have told him that DH wanted nothing more than for that to be the case for him as well, and have asked him to lay off the topic. Still he keeps bringing it back up, which I find rather disrespectful. He insists as a taxpayer, he has the right to know since he is paying for my house (!!!) :-\ Twice recently he asked about my relationship status with my new guy...are we going to get married? (He is the only person to broach that by the way.) Both times I responded that it is not something we are discussing at this time, and nonetheless it would not be financially prudent of me to do so before the age of 60, because (just like every widow/er), since we were married more than ten years I am entitled to collect on DH's SS record (which is greater than mine since I spent so many years out of the workforce being an extreme caregiver, and then raising my kids as an only-living parent), but only if I am unmarried at age 60. Both times he told me to do him and all the taxpayers of America a favor and get married. I take great offense to those comments. Even if NG and I were in that space, it is not "gaming the system" if I chose to remain unmarried. Following the rules that I didn't make to maximize my retirement is just as much a part of financial planning as tax-loss harvesting or IRA contributions. This is just mostly a vent. And maybe a request for a better way to respond to this friend's insults.

LF, I won't profess to be a relationship expert, but in my widow dating experience I have both been the emotionally-unavailable participant, and have tried to date the emotionally-unavailable. Men that tried in earnest to get close to me when I was not in that place were never going to get in, despite their patience and understanding. Similarly, my attempts to wait it out with those I saw potential in were equally unsuccessful. My advice to save you a lot of emotional energy and heartache would be to cut ties with this woman and move on. It's spectacular when you meet someone who is in the same place as you are. Enjoy your cycling trip, each revolution of the pedal bringing healing and a new adventure. abl

Trying, your post resonates with me. My husband was also 45 when he died. His should-have-been 50th was tough for me. I do not think he would have handled the turning of the decade well, but I am confident he would have made a big to-do over my 50th. Instead, my 50th passed pretty much unnoticed. I look in the mirror and see so many changes in the past 9 years. I wonder how my husband would have aged. The actor that played the father in "Downton Abbey" had a lot of similar features and mannerisms, and carried himself similarly. I miss that show a lot, in part to see what I think my husband would look like. I am glad you and your boys found a meaningful way to mark the day. Tim would be so happy for that. abl

I may be recalling this incorrectly because that time frame is a blur, but I am 99.99% sure I never went in to a physical SS office; everything was done by phone during a pre-arranged time and I believe I had to mail documents in. It could have been the mortuary that sent in the paperwork. My husband was on disability prior to his death, which was also conducted by phone.

SB, What you describe sounds like a lot of drama and dysfunction touching you and your kids, despite trying to keep it at a distance. You have always been good at deciding what level of exposure you will tolerate. As we have come to learn, with kids involved, it's a package deal. abl

Picking up the slack where you are used to support is tough on an emotional level as well as the execution and implementation. Even years later, it sucks. For air travel, I would recommend purchasing tickets directly through the airline. First do a Google flight search which will show you all the available routes and prices per segment. I recommend using the same airline for all segments, even if you can save a few bucks here or there...the rules and restrictions vary so much. Most, but not all of the airlines are viewable on Google flights. Then go to the specific airline site for the route you chose and book it directly. Pay attention to all the different classes of tickets you can buy which can carry different rules these days - from carry-ons to boarding to flight changes to seat selection. If you have a frequent flyer number with any of the airlines, enter it, and if not sign up. I advise against portals (such as Orbitz, Travelocity, etc) which often have unforeseen consequences. abl

Without hesitation, in-law.

My kids are healthy, succeeding in school, and get on famously with each other. abl

How did things go with your tests and doctor appointment in Houston? Thinking of you, abl

Missmybecky, Yes, dating sucks, but chances are you dodged a bullet there. Whatever her rationale (or ghost), better she flake at 6 weeks than 6 months. abl

Those are my two biggest triggers as well. Every one of my kids' accomplishments is twinged with a bit of sadness that their dad missed so very much. This will never change. In fact, as the years go by and so much more is missed, I'd say the feeling intensifies for me. Even though I am in a solid relationship now, elderly couples get me every time. DH never got to be elderly, which was all he wanted. We already had plans for our 50th wedding anniversary. We only got 11 abl

My condolences, tybec. Losing a parent is tough, even if it's natural and expected. Wishing you peace, abl

I hear you, Rob. This only-parenting thing sucks. Teens are harder than I ever imagined. I read recently that by 16 or so, there is little else you can do. You have spent the years making your rules and your expectations known, it is now time to step back and let them make their way -- be it the right way or the wrong way. Intervening does not bode well any longer, they make their own mistakes and either learn from them, or not. Harder than it sounds. abl

If you make it to Colorado, I'll be your tour guide through our mountains. abl

I don't have a brick-and-mortar bank. I could try to e-deposit it I guess, but his name is not on my account...

Almost 9 years post-death, a class-action lawsuit check arrived for DH in his name only. It's under $100 but I would like to cash it if possible. This is the second time something like this happened, the first time I let it expire unsure of what to do. Does anyone have any ideas how to cash this? abl

Adding my support, Tybec. Hugs, abl

It has been more than a decade since DH got sick, at which time I became an extreme caregiver and the sole person responsible for our two kids. I give myself passing marks for raising generally well-adjusted and high-achieving kids (still a work in progress for a few more years). But it has sucked the life out of me. I have no energy left, no motivation to do things that need to be done that and will go undone if I don't do them. I'm not fun any longer. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm weary. I'm sad that my kids were cheated out of the joyful life they had until diagnosis. They don't remember that I was the mom that played in the playground, participated in games with them, made every Halloween costume, read to them endlessly. The mom they will remember and recount to their kids was always stressed, stretched, and out of sorts. I want a break, I need a break...but that break will never come. abl

I'm reading this beautiful post with my morning French press. Our loved ones infuse our lives in so many big and small ways, and offer a way to stay connected to them. Thank you for this wonderful reminder. abl P.S. What is the precise optimal steeping time?

What a sweet story. It's wonderful you found your way back to each other. abl

SB, What a horrible position for you to be in -- both in your youth and adulthood! Having to carry the burden of that secret for so many years must have been draining. I hope now you can breathe a little easier. Hugs, abl

I'm deleting this because the person I referred to may be reading this board.... Thank you to everyone for your support!

I'm deleting this because the person I referred to may be reading this board.... Thank you to everyone for your support!

Understood. It is surreal.