Abitlost

Serpico, You haven't asked for advice so I will not offer any. Rather, an observation in combining this post with your recent "Marrying a Widower is Tough..." post: it sounds as though there are significant insecurity issues going on. I am not suggesting they are coming from you, because from what you write, it appears you have made attempts to assuage any feelings that your current wife is second fiddle. Still, it seems as though she has lingering resentment manifesting in passive-aggressive ways. That would be of concern to me if I were in such a position. To answer your question, I will be buried next to my husband. abl

DOE, Blending families is hard! Everybody has their own tolerances, and obviously your NG's varies significantly from yours. If it were me, I would not allow drug use to touch my kids in any way, be it a regular habit or an experimental phase. It is NOT "fine"; plenty of studies conclude that marijuana use permanently diminishes function of developing brains. I would not be able to respect a parent that doesn't attempt to curb a child's drug use. Good luck in navigating this... abl

Rob, I've given this some thought. I am no parenting expert and have my own teen issues, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I know that having your girls cook is important to you and, if I recall correctly, is one of the suggested expectations of the Love & Logic principle. But what Mike said about this not working for you resonated with me. Your description reads like everything revolving around the meal -- from the planning to the preparation -- has become a point of contention throughout the whole week. In my opinion, I don't think it is healthy to associate so much tension to eating. For me, family meals are a time to reconnect, share, and enjoy each other. When I provide healthy meals to my kids, it is an expression of my love. Turning meals into a battle ground I fear could associate a negative connotation to food, with a plethora of potential unpleasant outcomes affecting their relationship with food, perhaps for a lifetime. Still, I understand you wanting the girls to develop responsibility. Bare with me…what do you think about dropping the meal expectation, and asking them what they want to do to contribute to the functionality of the family? It could be one prefers the mindlessness of vacuuming and bathroom duty and the other is willing to take on all laundry duties. Or it could be that when presented with options and given the ability to make a choice, they may choose the meals. But at least that way they could take ownership of the task. I have never expected my kids to cook for the family. (I am not saying it is wrong…please don’t misread it as such!) But often my youngest asks if he can cook or surprises me by cooking. He scours the internet and comes up with recipes he wants to try. He will find a YouTube video about a cooking technique and want to test it. A couple times I have been out on a long bike ride and he has pancakes (made from scratch) in the shape of a heart waiting for me. Once he had a frozen concoction waiting that he found online. It is very sweet. His room and bathroom though…those are our (major) points of contention! Food though is our way of reconnecting. I know you adopted the meal expectation long ago (when Michelle was alive if I recall correctly), but if it isn't working and is making everyone miserable, maybe you should look at some other options. This only-parenting thing is tough! abl

Mike, I am dealing with noncompliance of household safety and sanitation standards deemed unimportant to my teen. Removing privileges and enforced consequences are ineffective, and natural consequences are not in the toolbox because they would be unacceptably unsafe. Could you please start a new thread to share your carrot method? Thanks, abl

No words. Not one. I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this! abl

Thank you, arneal. I spent a long time in the wrong relationship thinking nothing could be as good as it was with DH, so therefore a good-enough relationship was what I would have to settle for. I'm happy to report that was flawed thinking. Finally I'm with someone who deserves me as much as I him. My relationship with NG is of course different than my relationship with DH, but it is just as rewarding. It feels amazing And there is nothing wrong with your keeping cool and taking it one day at a time approach!

Congratulations!!!!! This is so beautiful! And yes, yes, we want wedding photos!!!!

To the original post, about the pinnacles and pitfalls… I am so blissfully happy with my NG, we’ve thus far encountered no pitfalls We communicate well and often, support each other, cherish each other, anticipate each other’s needs, and have deep respect for one another, not to mention exceptional romance and chemistry. The pace of the relationship has been mutually set, we have integrated our lives in a comfortable and natural way, and above all have full trust in each other. The only thing we have ever disagreed on is the sleeping room temperature: I like it cold and he likes it warm. Our disagreement comes in that I want to warm up the room so that he is comfortable whereas he wants to cool the room so I am comfortable. We both want it the other person’s way - lol! I could not be happier!!!!!!!!!!!! abl

Welcome, Blueheart. The first crush in widowhood can be confusing. For me, it was difficult to accept that I was able to have romantic feelings for someone other than DH, and then I was not able to easily let that go. But, the feelings have to be a) mutual, b) healthy, and c) sustainable. What your widower friend has shown you is that you are capable of having romantic feelings and interested in finding another partner. Your energy could be better spent finding someone who reciprocates what you desire rather than trying to get this friend to change his mind; that rarely works out to anyone’s benefit. You don't have to cut him out of your life; I imagine that once you start seeing other men, your feelings for this friend will shift, and it will be a comfortable friendship for both of you. abl

Okay, I just read the link. Wow. While I had my idea of a perfect marriage, there is not a single person in my life that would think or say anything even remotely close to what is on the 10-things list. Admittedly I live in a bubble, but I am a bit horrified -- and saddened -- that such a world exists. abl

serpico, I have not yet read the blog, but I am curious as to what your current struggles stemming from widowhood are. And did your new bride have similar feelings when you were dating? I am not married or living with my NG, but he does not seem threatened or uncomfortable with my widow status. Rather, I think he sees that I am capable of working toward and maintaining a successful relationship, and that my capacity to love is intact. abl

SL, I'm not suggesting that you should stay with NG. From what you have written, it sounds like you feel there is too much dysfunction, conflicts with parenting expectations, and you simply don't care for his son. It sounds like a lot of strife this early in a relationship. My only point was from what you have written, his 15-year-old's behavior does not seem out of the realm of typical teenage defiance/button pushing/know-it-all/sassy-mouth/exertion of independence, and NG's attempts to talk with him not yielding the results you desire are not in and of themselves unusual. There are some things my teens do and say that I would not want to put up with given a choice, and despite pulling my hair out in attempt to influence particular behaviors, they still appear. Of course they save these behaviors for me, acting differently out of our home as is typical with teens. I am finding the teen years to be the most challenging of all! My NG has teens himself, we are both on the same parenting page, and both realize that when our teens act like toddlers, it is not a reflection on us or our parenting. It's not easy when a relationship ends. I am a firm believer that when something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. abl

SL, From your past posts, it sounds like this relationship is still quite new, just a couple months by now? For me, that seems quite early to be involving your kids. You and NG barely know each other, and having your kid and his teen --who are at vastly different developmental stages -- spend regular time together sounds like a recipe for failure. From your description, the issues you have with his 15-year-old's behavior seem to me to be -- please don't take this wrong -- partially a matter of not having a teen yourself. You said your child is much younger (8?) and more respectful, more compliant, and better behaved which is typical behavior to that age; at that age, they are still trying to please their parent. Not so much when they become teens. Of course not all teens behave in manners that would be described as disrespectful, but certainly many do -- particularly to their parent. They are separating from their parent and despite the parent's best attempt, the teen often continues to act out and push buttons. The parent can not MAKE the teen behave in a certain way. Since you are with his parent in a new role to him, he is likely to behave in a similar -- or more pronounced -- fashion. Teens sometimes suck. You can't expect the same parenting techniques that worked in childhood to be effective. It's easy to judge when it is your feelings being hurt, but perhaps an understanding of teen behavior would be beneficial. There are numerous books on the teen thing for a good reason... abl

Congrats!

I get it. Wishing you peace as you get through this tough day, abl

SL, I'm not going to comment on this incident in particular. What I will say is it sounds like resentment is forming as a result of the "us vs. you" competition. My ex-BF was very competitive about our kids even though I never showed up to the games. He let up after I made an ultimatum over it, but I still have major regrets that I allowed someone into my life that felt it was okay to treat my kids that way. I used to think it was a divorced-parent thing, but now recognize it was a character flaw of ex-BF. My wonderful NG does not possess an inkling of that undesirable trait. abl

That sounds like a lot of dysfunction. In my past experience of dating a man for 4.5 years with constant drama and dysfunction in his life (of course it was all the ex's fault...not...) and thinking it would one day get better, I finally came to realize he had a fair share of perpetuating the dysfunction. YMMV. abl

SL, You asked for opinions, so here is mine: I don't think the household chores and expectations placed on BF's kids are inherently bad, regardless of the mother working, being on the computer, or what not. The domestic responsibilities a parent chooses to place on their kid does not mean that parent is neglectful, asking too much or leaving the kid to fend for him/herself. Chores are a way of priming kids for independence. It is unfair to judge or draw correlations into BF's ex parenting based on that. The issue I see in your situation is common in trying to blend families. You have your way of doing things and they have theirs. Neither is right or wrong. You have every right to raise your son the way you want without having to justify it to BF or his son. I don't think a 15-year-old pointing out things like how little your son eats is outside the realm of normal teenage behavior. However, you state that BF chastises your son for things like leaving a glass out which I find out of line unless you stated to BF that you could use some input/backup from him (it doesn't sound like that is the case so my feeling is he needs to lay off). Perhaps a few words to BF -- without getting defensive or pointing out contrasts -- about how you have chosen to raise your son is in order. Edited to add: In regards to his son making comparisons of your son to his siblings...I'm thinking a 15-year-old doesn't have a lot of common ground with Dad's girlfriend's 8-year-old, so he reverts to what he knows which is his siblings... abl

RyanAmysMom, SF and MTK have given good advice. I will add to that, I learned in my online dating to research every single person I agreed to meet or converse with. A little Google research goes a long way. I would start by a simple copy/paste of small portions of their profile verbiage into Google with quotes around it; a lot of scammers rip off and/or post multiple profiles in different cities, sometimes with the same photos, sometimes not, but often with the same text. Then I would do a Google image search just to see if they are who they say they are; couple times these searches revealed they had lifted the images from news articles or other sites. I would also search a few terms, their phone number and/or information they had given me; I saved myself from meeting a couple married men this way. This applies to all the sites and apps -- free and paid -- but I found more scammers in the free sites. Even if you build a text/email/phone relationship with them, don't ever send money. And always meet in a public place with a friend knowing where you are. All that said, there are wonderful people out there! Just be cautious! abl

SL, I can't advise you on what to do but I will share my experience. I spent 4.5 years with a man who had a very dysfunctional, competitive, manipulative relationship with his ex and kids (as well as other aspects of his life). I thought I loved him and would put up with parts of it, but the relationship ended because I would not let his dysfunction affect my kids by cohabitating into his circus. Despite the pain of the relationship ending, I am so happy I stood by my resolve because it was not a lifestyle I wanted for myself or my kids. I came to realize I did not respect him or the way he conducted his life and was exceedingly relieved and exponentially better off without him. I finally saw that the games he played and/or succumbed to stemmed from deep character flaws within him. I am now in a happy, healthy relationship with an emotionally-stable man who neither manipulates nor is manipulated by his ex and is fully vested in us. How refreshing! abl

Congratulations!!!! I am *so* happy for you!!!!! abl

Mikeeh, I apologize if I caused you any added grief; that certainly was not my intent. I was just trying to relate that I was so destroyed by my breakup but with time and perspective I realize I didn't respect him in so many ways. I am now happy to be free of his dysfunctional lifestyle. (And by that I don't mean anything like sadness, attitude or lack of spirituality...I'm talking serious dysfunction with his mother that abandoned him as a child moving in and resuming the role of mothering, everyone ignoring the fact that his father was on meth until he keeled over, his brother forging a drug test for the father, constant combative and competitive engagement with his ex-wife resulting in manipulative and undisciplined kids, I could go on and on...I wouldn't let any of that touch my life or my kids' lives. My friends were appalled by his dysfunction because it is not at all how I conduct my life; that's why the collective rejoicing when it ended.) For what it's worth, I know he was completely torn up about our breakup as well, although he handled it quite differently. I know you're in pain. My message to you is that as acute as that pain was for me, my experience is I am 110% over it and happy to be without him now...something I will never say about DH. abl

((Trying)) I can only imagine how you must feel. I don't believe someone has to hit rock bottom to change so I will continue holding out hope that the tide will peacefully turn. Please keep us updated when you hear from him. abl

Mikeeh, I went through an excruciating breakup just over a year ago. We were together 4.5 years and while there was a lot of love between us, there was far too much dysfunction in his life for me to ever consider moving in together (which was what he wanted and why we broke up). Everyone told me I deserved better. There was a collective rejoicing among all my friends when we broke up; they reminded me daily of all his shortcomings and dysfunction (which honestly didn't help, it only made me defend the relationship.) He himself told me I deserved better; someone on this board wrote to me that if a guy tells you you deserve better, believe him because he knows himself better that you will ever know him. Still, I was convinced that love was enough; it took me several painful months to recognize, in fact, that he wasn't good enough and I am SOOOO much better off without him. Now I am greatly relieved to be free of him and look back on it as a very bad, very long mistake but one from which I have learned a lot, such as not to settle or put up with drama and dysfunction. There wasn't anything anyone could say or do, it just took me a long time to take a good, honest look at the relationship and all the negatives to realize they weren't how I wanted to live my life. A lifetime with the wrong person is a dreadfully long time. It is highly unlikely that you will be alone forever. Once your wounds heal over and you are in a good place to welcome a new, healthy relationship into your life, you will. If nothing else, this experience has shown you that you still have the capacity to love deeply. abl

I am so sorry, Marian. Cancer sucks. The loss of your friend and your shared memories sucks. It all just sucks.